Steve: I realized something.
Joe: That the sky is blue?
That hobbits are bisexual?
That dwarves really do pop out of the ground?
As of this week, I’ve crossed every line of nerdiness I ever swore I’d never cross.
That stuff’s still terrible.
Joe: I saw your Facebook post.
You’ve already gone too far.
Dungeons and Dragons? Really?
Steve: There was a time when I was like “I like comics, but I’d never go to one of those conventions.”
Honestly, I don’t think this D&D thing’s really going to take shape.
Cloribel’s been pushing us to give it a shot.
Joe: Don’t do it!
Steve: But it’s so freaking complicated I don’t think it’s going to happen.
Even if we try a game, I don’t think the group can handle it.
Joe: If you do, I’m going to make you watch a documentary that will scar your soul.
I will make you watch it.
Steve: I’ve seen it.
Joe: Here’s how you fight this, Steve.
You have to embrace what you are and draw clear boundaries.
I’m a scifi nerd and I love bad techno.
But I have lines.
I won’t watch any of those Stargate turds.
I won’t do it.
I can admit what I am and have boundaries.
You need to do the same.
Steve: See, this is where you’re wrong.
We all have those lines to start with.
The problem is, most of us have friends. If you have friends, they erode your lines.
You, for example, like to pretend there’s a difference between sci-fi fans and fantasy fans and you’ve chosen to identify yourself as sci-fi.
Like you don’t love Lord of the Rings or something.
It’s all nonsense.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m going to cry now.
Joe: Now hold on!
There’s a difference between being a fantasy fan and liking a well made piece of art.
LOTR is amazingly well made.
Joe Joe Joe.
We all started with Lord of the Rings.
Joe: Dont you dare suck me into that vortex of wizard beards and 1970′s animation that makes me feel like masturbating with razor blades!
Steve: 70′s indie animation is a whole different thing.
Joe: No it’s not.
Steve:That’s something you get into by being interested in animation, not by being interested in fantasy.
At least usually.
Joe: It’s all fantasy based.
And it hurts me so bad.
Steve: How about Willow?
How about Star Wars?
How about Raiders?
Joe: Star Wars is sci-fi.
Willow is…..FUCK YOU!
Raiders isn’t fantasy, it’s action/adventure.
Steve: Are you high? Being one doesn’t automatically make it not the other.
Ever hear of the Force?
Ever hear of the Ark of the Covenant?
Joe: Ever hear of fucking space ships and guys kept alive by science?
Your mother’s the ark of the covenant, you douche.
Fantasy = wizards.
Steve: First of all, jedi are wizards, dumbass.
Second of all, fantasy does not equal wizards.
Fantasy equals something fantastic.
Even if I accept your nonsensical argument that sci-fi elements don’t qualify as fantastic, anything supernatural does.
Joe: Star Wars is scifi/fantasy.
Not at all straight fantasy.
Steve: I see what’s going on here.
To you, fantasy means “bad Tolkien ripoffs.”
Joe: Ugh… Steve, you ignorant slut.
When I go to the book store and I look at fantasy books, it’s about journeys to ancient lands, magic and so forth. Sci-fi has space and science and aliens, etc.
Star Wars mixes them.
LOTR is clearly fantasy
Stargate has a little of both but is mostly scifi (the movie that is).
Steve: First of all, almost every bookstore has a section labeled “sci-fi/fantasy.”
Never seen them separate, except in specialty bookstores that target that genre specifically.
Second, if you actually look at the non-scifi books in that section, you will see lots of different types of fantasy.
Urban fantasy, sword and sorcery, high fantasy, low fantasy.
Granted, about 65% of them are ripping of Tolkien.
But there’s a ton of other stuff too.
Anyway, the point is, I’ll play D&D if I fucking want to
And I don’t.
But I’m going to anyway.
And then we’ll probably quit because it’s like doing quantum fucking mechanics to play that stupid game.
Don’t see the appeal at all.
You won’t play once.
You’re like the guy standing outside the gay nightclub who “just wants to see what goes on in there.”
Next thing you know, he’s wearing a choker and filing for divorce from his wife.
DON’T GO IN THERE!
Steve: MAYBE I WANT TO PLAY MORE THAN ONCE!
MAYBE I’M SUPPOSED TO REACH THE D&D CROWD FOR JESUS, JOE!!
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
Joe: You’re not.
Steve: Screw it. That’s my attitude. Screw it.
It takes six months to get a game together anyway.
That, plus the fact that I’m the only person competent to run a game and I don’t have any time.
Joe: Did you ever see the D&D bachelor party ad on craigslist?
Joe: A guy put in an ad for a topless girl to run a D&D game.
Here’s the kicker.
She had to be hot AND have experience running a D&D game.
This is not possible.
I just searched “Hot D&D chicks” and the first two links go to missing images.
These women dont’ exist.
Steve: No, they do.
Like 1/9,000,000 I’m sure.
But dude, I’ve got to tell you this story.
You should have been in that D&D store with me yesterday.
There were so many moments when I almost ran screaming.
Steve: Bryan bought all these manuals and dice and stuff and dumped them off on me because he wants me to run the game.
There were a couple of elements we still needed to play, so I Googled.
Had to drive to Long Beach to find a place that sold D&D stuff.
The owner is one of the original players from like 1974.
Like in his late 50′s, pretty fat, but in that weird way where it’s almost all below the waist.
Steve: Glasses so tight they’re leaving marks.
Anyway, I like him up front because I got there fifteen minutes before he opened and I’d spent all that time walking to nearby businesses trying to find one that would let me use the bathroom.
None of them would, but he did.
So we got off on the right foot.
But I walk in and make the mistake of telling him I know nothing about D&D.
Which isn’t exactly true, but this guy decides he’s going to tell me everything.
I can’t seem to communicate to him that I understand the core mechanics and I only had a couple of specific questions.
Dude just keeps talking.
After about twenty minutes, I realize that, at some point, he’s actually started playing D&D with me.
Steve: Like, he’s describing a scenario and asking me what I what to do about it.
And I have no idea how to get it to stop.
Eventually another guy comes into the shop and starts looking around, so I’m thinking, “Surely he’ll go help this guy and leave me to browse for a while.”
Five or ten minutes go by.
Finally I have to prompt him.
“Well why don’t you help him and I’ll see what you’ve got over here.”
After another couple of minutes he does.
And that’s when something happened that seriously took me to a hair’s breadth of losing my shit completely and running away screaming.
This guy who’d walked in…
The other customer…
He was about 5’10″ maybe 5’11.”
Joe: Did they kiss?
Steve: About my age, but with a receding hairline.
Not fat but kinda soft and doughy.
I’ve been seeing him out of the corner of my eye this whole time, but now that the owner’s talking to him, he speaks.
I shit you not.
This is his voice.
Minus the Valley Girl mannerisms and plus a lot more nasal…y…ness.
I almost cracked.
Almost dropped everything, ran out of the shop and never came back.
Like, I seriously almost screamed “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
The only thing that kept me from walking out right then was the fact that the guy had let me take a crap in his store.
So here’s what I did.
I bought one physical item, which we pretty much have to have.
Came home, jumped on the internet and downloaded every piece of 4th Edition D&D material I could find in .pdf format.
Maybe the game turns out to be fun, and maybe I’ll like playing it.
But there is no way I am interacting with that community again.
It was like a cartoon.
I just can’t do it.
I’ll read off my phone when we play.