Steve: I just had a disturbing thought that I think might be true.
I happened to play a YouTube video of an old Jackson Five song.
Steve: Michael’s voice sounded the same then as it did when he was an adult.
Steve: I also remember during his first molestation ordeal way back in the early 90′s hearing it mentioned that the child tried to prove he was telling the truth by describing certain “distinguishing characteristics” about MJ’s genitalia.
What if they cut his balls off before puberty?
They used to do it to young sopranos back in the dark ages.
It keeps your voice from changing.
Joe: stop it
stop it, stop it, stop it
Steve: What if that’s why he sounded that way?
Joe: I’m going to poop out my mouth now
Steve: Dude, I think it’s true.
Joe: Dude, there’s poop coming out my mouth.
And I’m not even a Japanese porno mutant
Steve: Dude… I think I’m thoroughly convinced about this.
Everyone knows his dad was an asshole.
And he grew up crazy.
Joe: Now I’m pooping a French hen.
Steve: Obsessed with little boys? Why might that be?
Steve: CAUSE THEY STILL HAVE THEIR JUNK.
LIKE HE USED TO.
Joe: Lots of guys with balls molest little kids.
Steve: Yeah, but how many of them are amazing musicians when they’re little kids, then grow up to be the greatest recording artist of all time without their voice ever changing?
Joe: Sandra Day O’Conner
Wait, not her.
Steve: And of that group how many come from families that have been accused of some seriously twisted, controlling, money-grubbing shit?
Joe: Donny Osmond?
Nah, they were just Mormons.
Steve: And besides that, it wasn’t just molestation with him. He would say things like he wanted to be Peter Pan so he never had to grow up.
He would have slumber parties with kids.
His whole life he was obessed with young boys.
Joe: There are unique individuals with unique voices, and God bless our culture for finding the most fucked up one.
Steve: Did you know he wrote the “Do the Bartman” song and never took credit for it because he loved Bart so much?
He was under a recording contract that prevented him from taking credit for it. He did it for free and nobody found out he was involved for seven years.
Because he was such a fan of Bart.
Joe: Are you saying Michael Jackson molested Bart Simpson?
But mostly I’m pointing out that his obsession with pre-pubescent boys was well beyond the line of batshit crazy.
And I think I now know why.
Joe: That you can convince yourself of things is an amazing talent, not unlike Joel’s ability to perform dentistry with Skittles or my ability to rebuke sneezes.
Can you show me one piece of evidence that Michael Jackson had balls?
Grown men just don’t sound that way.
Even Mike Tyson had a deeper voice than Michael Jackson.
Joe: Can we have one conversation where we don’t discuss your obsession with a black man’s balls?
Steve: Look, all I’m saying is…
Joe: Anyway, I’m going to go meet my beautiful wife so I can steal boxes from my office that will help us move back to Los Angeles.
Joe: Here, convince yourself of this:
Joe: Oranges are really apples.
Steve: Dude, call me crazy all you want.
You know I just made some really solid points.
Joe: That oranges are apples, I totally agree. Good night nurse.