Steve: Let me tell you something about the 80′s.
In the 80′s every pop culture icon that existed for little boys was either a violent, murdering sonovabitch, or a weepy puss from some John Hughes movie.
Obviously, we all wanted to be tough guys.
Like Rambo or He-Man.
We all wanted guns and fighting.
Because really, that’s what all boys want.
Now I had good parents.
They made sure I knew that it wasn’t cool to start fights and I needed to eat my vegetables.
But some kids didn’t.
Some parents were fools.
And that’s why God created Mr. T.
What other hero could we look to who was an icon of masculinity, but would also look right into the camera and tell us to stay in school, don’t do drugs, drink our milk and respect our mommas?
Nobody else, that’s who.
Only the toughest man in the world could get away with that.
And because he was the toughest man in the world, they gave him a TV show.
That show was called “The A-Team,” but it could easily have been called “Mr. T and his Three Friends.”
Because that’s what it was.
Joe: True.
Steve: And through that show and his other platforms, Mr. T raised an entire generation of young boys to stay in school, drink their milk, not do drugs, and love their mommas.
He was a father figure.
Or at least an older brother figure.
Hulk Hogan had a similar message, but for Hogan it was a persona.
For Mr. T, it’s who he really was, and we know that for sure now.
Now it’s 20 years later and they’ve remade the A-Team as a feature film.
Mr. T hated the movie.
He said it was too violent, too graphc, too much sex.
He didn’t like that people died in it.
He said it was nothing like the show they used to put out every week.
Earlier today someone told me he thinks Mr. T is out of touch or hyperspiritual.
Because he can’t enjoy a movie with too much violence.
Well, I like violent movies as much as the next guy.
But Mr. T’s my big brother.
And he’s helluva tough.
So when Mr. T tells me not to go see the movie based on his own show…
You’d better believe I’m gonna listen.
I pity the fool who don’t.
Joe: Who said he’s hyperspiritual/out of touch?
Steve: A guy you don’t know, but he’s a little too old.
He wasn’t raised by Mr. T.
Plus he grew up in Kenya.
So he has no clue.
Joe: Dude, Americans are too violent. Violence is not a “good” thing and someone who doesn’t like violence is a good person.
Violence means people die or get hurt, and Jesus wasn’t a violent dude. I appreciate good violence, but that’s a part of me that isn’t all that righteous.
Steve: Well, we could debate about that for a long time.
But in short, yes. Someone who doesn’t like violence is right not to.
Joe: Agreed, but saying a person is “out of touch” because they don’t like violence is dumb.
Steve: Exactly.
And saying someone is hyperspiritual because they don’t like it when Hollywood rapes their beloved franchise is even stupider.
Joe: Conan understands.
Steve: Sweet.
And Mr T’s right. That movie is terrible.
I mean, MR. T didn’t like it.
http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
Joe: Dude, it’s quite possibly the lamest thing this summer. And this is a particularly bad summer.
Steve: I think the worst part is either when Rampage puts on the tu-tu and prances around singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” or when Liam Neeson puts on the full Revolutionary War-era redcoat outift and tattoos “Screw America” across his forehead.
Joe: No, the worst part is where they destroy the A-Team van. Which actually happens.
I mean, it’s like they know they’re crapping on the A-Team, so they crap on themselves since they are the fake A-Team.
It’s just wrong.
Steve: Oh yeah.
Unbelievable.
Mr. T made the right call not doing a cameo alongside Face and Murdoch.
He was obviously too helluva tough to be fooled by the jibba-jabba.
Joe: When Mr. T doesn’t like something – something specifically related to him – you should just follow his lead.
Rampage can suck it.
He’s not Mr. T.
Steve: No. He definitely is not.
Joe: I’d rather go see Sex in the City 2.
Steve: Nor is Liam Neeson George Peppard.
Joe: I’d rather go to see Sex in the City 2 and then go see Shrek 4
Steve: And in case anyone didn’t notice, LIAM NEESON ISN’T EVEN AMERICAN!
His American accent is worse than Arnold’s,
They may as well have just pissed on our childhood.
Rampage’s acting ability makes Mr.T look like Marlon freaking Brando.
Joe: Last summer I had to pretend that the Wayans brother I like the least didn’t take a dump on GI Joe, now I have to do the same thing with the A-Team. Hollywood can get cancer and die.
Steve: Seriously.
Hey remember how great life was back when the A-Team was an awesome show from the 1980′s starring one of the greatest men who ever lived?
Now it’s a crappy action movie that rapes the memory of said show.
Way too much CG. Way too many attempts at sly references to the original show.
When in fact they’re just destroying it.
Oh yeah, and lest anyone forget:
http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
That A-Team movie helluva sucks.
Joe: When Ralph Macchio dogged the new Karate Kid I thought “maybe he’s just bitter, I mean, it does have Jackie Chan who is entertaining every fourth movie he does.”
Steve: Macchio didn’t dog it.
He liked it.
He took his son to see the premiere with him.
Joe: But, when Mr. T tears apart a film that either never should have been made or should have starred him, original Face and original Murdoch avenging Hannibal, I know Satan just produced a film.
Steve: Pretty much.
I’ve been waiting twenty years for an A-Team movie and when they finally make one, Peppard is dead and Mr. T’s been replaced by a freaking nobody from idiotsville.
And don’t get me wrong, I love Liam Neeson.
He’s one of the best actors alive today.
But casting a Brit as Hannibal – especially a Brit who can’t do an American accent to save his life…
It’s no different than casting a Brit as Captain America.
We may as well just sign the colonies back over to the freaking Queen.
Joe: Right. They cast a Brit as Hannibal, a South African as Murdoch and a retard as Mr. T.
I’m just appalled on so many levels.
What’s worse is that I think the film will make money because of how bad this summer has been for movies.
Steve: You know what it reminds me of?
Seriously?
Joe: What?
Steve: It plays exactly like one of those stupid comic book fan films.
Like some guys with a camera and a few extra bucks for Final Cut just grabbed the best actors they could get for the weekend and shot a fake concept trailer.
It’s exactly that level of quality.
Only instead of a fake trailer, they actually made the whole movie.
With the wrong actors and CG in place of anything that might actually be cool.
Just like that Mortal Kombat trailer that looks really cool at first until you suddenly stop and go… wait… a Mortal Kombat trailer?
Joe: I know this hasn’t gone on too long, but I think I can’t talk about this any longer. It’s an abomination. Too painful.
Steve: Abomination is exactly the right word.
The toughest man in the world is so disappointed in our culture.
And that makes me sad.
Joe: I don’t pity the fool, I pity us.
Steve: I pity us.
Oh, you know what?
Joe: ??
Steve: http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
‘Nuff said, America.
‘Nuff said, Hollywood.
