Category Archives: History’s Greatest Villain

Go For It, Alan.

Posted on April 9, 2012 | Comments Off

Steve: Holy fuck dude.
Holy…
fuck.

Joe: ??
You okay?

Steve:

“Hey Steve, thank you for your response!
I’m a film student down here in Orlando, FL and a HUUUUGE fan of your blog. Recently my friend and I took turns reading your posts out loud in a “table read” style and we had such a hilariously fun time that we are wanting to create a short sketch. It would be in a style reminiscent of an old Shakespearean actor reciting lines, but instead it would be me and my friend portraying you and Joe by fireplace in opulent robes. I did not want to start filming this sketch because out of respect I first wanted both you and Joe’s blessings. So may we have your go ahead to film this? If you have any questions or suggestions about it, feel free to ask.

Thank you and keep up the awesome blog,
Alan”

Joe: OUR GENIUS HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED!
Of course he has my blessing, but only if he sends us the final product.

Steve: Agreed.
And he’s talking about WKJT.
He’s not even talking about the blog we actually update regularly.
He’s talking about the one that we forget about.

Joe: I know
Tell him about Death By Movies.

Steve: Well if he reads WKJT he probably already knows about DBM.
But… wow. Someone who’s never met us reads our blog.

Joe: Dude, can you, in honor of our apparent fan, put a new tag line for WKJT?

Steve: Okay, what’s the line?

Joe: It should read “We’re Huge in Orlando.”

Steve: Done and done.
I think since this fellow is such a fan, he might get a giddy thrill out of us answering him via blog post.
Go for it, Alan.

Joe: Alan, in the words of the immortal Steve “Go for it, Alan.”
Also, I am to be played by a topless hobo and/or Marc Singer lookalike.

Steve: And I am to be portrayed by none other than the late Mitch Hedberg.

Joe: Hey, on a side note, guess what soda made its way to my Easter party yesterday?

Steve: Oh no.
If that bastard Sierra Mist turned up at your party, I hope you shanked him and took his wallet.

Joe: Sierra Mist tried raping the ham I made for Easter. Jesus literally had to come and take the keys to Hell and death from Sierra Mist in order to set things aright.

Steve: Sierra Mist ran into my in-laws’ house Easter morning just so he could kick my son in the balls, ask me where my Messiah is now, and run away cackling like a witch on PCP.

Joe: Sierra Mist votes for the Green party.

Steve: Sierra Mist was one of the scientists who created the chemical base for the film print of Superman 3, starring Richord Pryor.

Joe: Sierra Mist has a van with no windows and parks outside playgrounds.
That’s probably going too far.

Steve: Yeah, it is.
He usually parks inside the playgrounds.
The Eiffel Tower used to have walls. Sierra Mist stole them and built a shelter for homeless cats.
The cats appreciate it, but… come on man. That’s not how to go about things.

Joe: Sierra Mist campaigned for Hitler…in 1978…in New Jersey.

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote the entire third season of Heroes.

Joe: Sierra Mist shot Bambi’s mother.

Steve: Sierra Mist shot Bambi.

Joe: And that’s about it.

Steve: Man. We should have a “We’re huge in Orlando” party.

Joe: Agreed
Maybe we can film something this Saturday to thank our Orlando fans.

Steve: Good idea. It should involve a giant white ball. They love those there, right?

Joe: They also love…the Magic and…not mentioning Nick Anderson.

Steve: Plus old people represent 75% of their economy. We should do a military salute to old people.

Joe: Mmmm…no we shouldn’t, let’s let them keep their/our dignity.

Steve: Our what now?

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Posted in Death By Movies, Gibberish, History's Greatest Villain

Alright, Who Brought the Sierra Mist?

Posted on July 7, 2010 | 1 Comment

Steve: So.

Joe: Earthquake.
That’s what.

Steve: That’s what Sarah just said.
Didn’t feel it here.

Joe: I’m on the 19th floor
I felt it.

Steve: Anyway.

Joe: What’s up?

Steve: Barbecue time has come and gone again.
Which means I have to ask you a question.

Joe: Yes, I shit a burger.

Steve: No, not that question.
The question is, Joe…
How many Sierra Mists do you want when you come over on Saturday?

Joe: mother fucker

Steve: Mother.
Fucker.

Joe: I hate that shit man.

Steve: It’s a whole unopened 12-pack.
Again.
It’s like someone read our blog and brought it just to spite us.
So far nobody has owned up to it.

Joe: Dude, who brings that crap?

Steve: I actually suspect it brought itself.
I’m sure I’d know if any of my friends were… that way.
Plus, Sierra Mist is a sonovabitch.
Bringing itself to my BBQ is exactly the kind of thing it would do.

Joe: Sierra Mist just caused an earthquake.

Steve: Earlier today, Sierra Mist caused an accident on the Metro Blue Line and made 4000 people late for work.

Joe: Sierra Mist makes collect phone calls to 7-Up and never pays him back.

Steve: Sierra Mist prevented Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel from joining the cast of the Expendables.
And he cast the A-Team movie without Mr. T.

Joe: Sierra Mist optioned the rights to Airbender, only to hire a down on his luck director and a white kid to ruin it.

Steve: Sierra Mist heard some people think of Hitler as the literal antichrist and started punching llama after llama until he gradually surpassed Hitler’s evil. Just for spite.

Joe: Sierra Mist voted for the Green Party in the last six presidential elections.

Steve: Sierra Mist framed Carmen San Diego.

Joe: Sierra Mist baked three dozen cookies for Mrs. Schneider’s elementary school class and put his own pubic hairs into the batter.

Steve: Sierra Mist directed Pirates of the Caribbean 3 while Gore Verbinski was tied up in his basement.

Joe: Sierra Mist took my mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again.

Steve: Sierra Mist had $30,000 to invest in my movie Gray, but he spent it all on Vienna sausages and Cabbge Patch Kid dolls, which he rolled into banana leaves and smoked.

Joe: Sierra Mist is on the sex offender list.

Steve: Twice.
Sierra Mist is wanted for drug smuggling in 134 countries.
It used to be 138, but he toppled a few foreign governments.

Joe: Sierra Mist built the Iron Curtain, melted it down to make scrap and then built a statue of the founder of the KKK outside Nashville.

Steve: Sierra Mist doesn’t care about black people.

Joe: Sierra Mist beat up a homeless person, blamed it on the police and then raped a bunny rabbit.

Steve: That bunny rabbit went on to get elected to Congress, where he betrayed every principal of the Democratic party, then blew his brains out on national television.

Joe: Sierra Mist is both pro and anti Prop 8.

Steve: Sierra Mist won’t help me straighten up my office, no matter how many times I ask him.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented cold sores.

Steve: Sierra Mist got David Lee Roth kicked out of Van Halen.

Joe: Sierra Mist keeps propogating the idea that KISS is a good band and that people want more reality shows based on people made famous by other reality shows.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the chief of programming for NBC.

Joe: Sierra Mist is a douche bag.

Steve: I hate Sierra Mist.
It’s like 7-Up took a whiz into some Mountain Dew, then someone spilled the Mountain Dew and had to refill it with seltzer water and poison.

Joe: We have 7-Up, Sprite and vomit, why on earth do we need Sierra Mist?

Steve: I seriously think it’s a test to see how long they can sell a competing product called “Sierra Mist” before “Mountain Dew” figures how to sue the living shit out of them.

Joe: Well, at least we got another blog post out of it.

Steve: Word.

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Posted in Celebrities, Gibberish, History's Greatest Villain, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, Talking trash

Exotic Meats and the Return of History’s Greatest Villain

Posted on May 10, 2010 | Comments Off


Steve: Buffalo.
Hot dogs.

Joe: You had them?

Steve: Yeah.
There’s still one in my fridge.
I’m going back for several pounds worth.
Gonna use them at the BBQ.

Joe: Are they good?
Or just cheap?

Steve: They are awesome.
No, anything but cheap.
They’re $6.99/lb.
But they’re worth it.
Whole Foods is selling them.
I bought the Whole Foods vegetable-fed all-beef hot dogs and the buffalo hot dogs.
Had one of each to compare.
Buffalo dogs blow the beef ones out of the water.

Joe: Sweet.

Steve: Now if I can just find some bear, some alligator and some venison…
This will be the greatest meatfest ever.

Joe: Ha.

Steve: Quite.
Bryan’s telling me he once had bear hot dogs at his uncle’s house.
And deer.
I’ve got him trying to find out where they came from.
I’ve actually found deer hot dogs and gator sausages online.
But I can’t find the bear ones.

Joe: Bear is tough since some bears are endangered.
Plus, I hear women attract bears. They’re attracted to the menstruation.

Steve: Black bear seems to be what most people sell.
But I’ve only found bear burgers.
And we may be out of luck because nobody ships bear to California.
Some grass-smoking hippie probably thinks it’s mean to eat bears and got himself elected to the state senate.
But I figure it’s definitely time to start diversifying my meat sources.
This is year five. Gotta start eating things that could eat us back.

Joe: I’m not sure why we don’t start with those meats.
I know we’re already at the top of the food chain, but those gosh darn lions are getting upity.

Steve: I think it’s easier to raise cows than lions.
Probably because you’d have to raise cows in order to feed the lions anyway.
So we figure, “Why not just eat the cows ourselves and the lions can go screw themselves?”

Joe: Yeah, freaking lions.
You know who hates humans?

Steve: Who?
Doug?

Joe: Sierra Mist.

Steve: Damn Sierra Mist!
You can’t even eat one out of revenge.
Because it’s a liquid.
And a gross one at that.

Joe: Sierra Mist tried to blow up a van in Times Square and then blamed it on a Pakistani.

Steve: Sierra Mist once gave birth to a baby. The baby turned out to be smallpox and it killed millions of people.

Joe: Sierra Mist encouraged Abraham Lincoln to select Andrew Johnson as vice president, then convinced John Wilkes Booth that Lincoln’s head was made of popcorn and thus impervious to bullets.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the reason why communism doesn’t work.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented polytheism.

Steve: Sierra Mist is keeping me from finding bear hot dogs.

Joe: Sierra Mist bought all the bear hot dogs and fed them to the buffalo. He then shot the buffalo.
Also, there are some eagles under the floor boards.
Wait, wrong bit.

Steve: Sierra Mist invented the gun just so millions of people could be killed by it.
Then it invented gun control to make sure only innocent people were hurt.

Joe: Sierra Mist raped 7-Up.

Steve: Sierra Mist gave my cat herpes.

Joe: Sierra Mist is going to give Greece $600 billion in debt in order for Greece to pay off its current debt, only to further their debt problems.
Yes, Steve. Sierra Mist is Europe.

Steve: Sierra Mist does not taste very good.

Joe: Not at all.

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Posted in History's Greatest Villain, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, Talking trash

Dammit, Sierra Mist!! Bring back Earl!

Posted on July 14, 2009 | Comments Off

Steve: When you move back we should have a work party.
I can use a laptop when I need to.
Or you can come over here.
We can throw Cheetos at each other while we press buttons that arrange electrons in a way that someone will pay us for.

Joe: Yes!!!!!!!!

Steve: My mountains of soda are dwindling.
I’m down to just Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew now.

Joe: Make them fight it out.
My money’s on Mountain Dew, although Sierra Mist is probably sneaky.

Steve: Soon it will be just Sierra Mist.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist went on a sex tour of Asia.

Steve: I have the Moutain Dew bottle sitting next to me.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist hates African-Americans so much he donates money to the KKK.

Steve: That bastard.
I swear, I hate Sierra Mist

Joe: Sierra Mist has unprotected sex with strangers in men’s bathrooms and then goes home to his wife.

Steve: Sierra Mist is responsible for colon cancer.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist picks up hitchhikers and forces them to undress while he sings “Nobody Does it Better” by Carly Simon.

Steve: Sierra Mist once tied up Al Gore and beat him with a snow shoe until he admitted that global warming was a myth.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist directed Van Helsing

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote Pirates of the Carribean 3.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist makes anonymous donations to the Green Party.

Steve: Sierra Mist is holding back RC Cola by making shady deals with the soda conglomerate.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist puts razor blades in Halloween candy. He also pees on the razor blades.
Also, the candy is made of pee.

Steve: Sierra Mist went back in time to warn Hitler about the suitcase bomb.

Joe: Sierra Mist voted for Ralph Nader in the past four presidential elections.

Steve: Sierra Mist taught Uwe Bol everything he knows.

Joe: Sierra Mist sells rotten milk at convenience stores.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the real-life inspiration for Cobra Commander.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented black jelly beans.

Steve: Sierra Mist convinced NBC to cancel My Name is Earl.

Joe: Okay, why haven’t we had a “My Name is Earl got cancelled and America is stupid” conversation?

Steve: America isn’t stupid.
Just NBC.
If America had had any indication that Earl was on the block, they would have raised hell.
The problem was it was canceled without warning.
In the middle of a two-part episode.

Joe:Yeah, it’s ridiciulous.
I hate that it was cancelled.

Steve: Yeah it ‘s definitely the kind of thing only Sierra Mist would do.

Joe: What on earth will replace it? Every show they tried as the fourth show with The Office, 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl sucked crab dick.

Steve: I no longer care.
I don’t watch The Office or 30 Rock and as the creator of Earl pointed out, it’s not really that upsetting to be kicked off a sinking ship.
NBC’s going down and I don’t give a rip.

Joe: I watch The Office and 30 Rock and I tried to watch the horror that were the other pilots, but it seriously wounded me.
Screw NBC.

Steve: Yeah.
NBC hasn’t produced ten consecutive minutes of watchable Saturday Night Live material in almost fifteen years.
They deserve to die.
They have the most popular sketch comedy show in history and they can’t make it good.

Joe: Which is amazing considering there are countless people dying to get into that show.

Steve: Yeah, well it’s still a good way to get a movie role.
At least once.

Joe: How can you have so little writing and acting talent when anyone from anywhere who has ever made someone laugh would do it in a heartbeat?

Steve: Maybe that’s the problem.
They’re taking anyone from anywhere.

Joe: Yeah, it’s just sad.

Steve: Oh well.

Joe: Sierra Mist ruined Saturday Night Live.

Steve: Sure did, Joe.
It sure did.

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Posted in Celebrities, History's Greatest Villain, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

RC Cola and Ron Perlman

Posted on July 8, 2009 | Comments Off

hellboyRC
Joe: How was the billion dollar bbq?

Steve: I had 51 guests.

Joe: Wow.
That’s a lot.

Steve: Dude I have so many sodas.
And so much beer.
This was a weird year for leftovers.
I made less food and had more people than last year.
So the leftover food is almost gone already.
But the drinks could fill an Olypmic-sized swimming pool.

Joe: Nice.
Anything good?

Steve: Cherry 7-Up.
Pepsi.
Some douchebag brought like four 2-liters of Diet Coke.
I’ll probably give most of that away.
Some Mug Root Beer.
A completely unopened 12-pack of Sierra Mist.
And a mostly full 12-pack of Mountain Dew.
And lots of Miller.

Joe: Sierra Mist is like American Pie movies. Who the hell keeps asking for it?
…Oh, teenagers. They’re stupid.

Steve: Exactly.
It’s like all the useless parts of Sprite and all the worst parts of Mountain Dew had a retarded baby.
Oh here’s a bunch of Tropicana Fruit Punch.

Joe: If I were 7-Up, I’d be so pissed. Sierra Mist pretends 7-Up doesn’t even exist, but why do we need more than 7-Up in the first place?

Steve: And a bottle of Red Horse Malt Liquor.

Joe: Awesome!!!!!!!!!
If I even smelled that I’d throw up.

Steve: The other day there were some pretty fancy beers with unpronounceable names but Sarah and our current houseguest drank them.
While I shook my head and muttered about the evils of alcohol.

Joe: Who is your current house guest?

Steve: Some guy you don’t know.
Needed a place to stay temporarily.

Joe: Potsi from Happy Days?

Steve: Yup.
The good thing is, if you tell him to sit on it, he does.
You know what’s really underrated?
RC Cola.

Joe: Oh yeah.
It’s a great soda.

Steve: I’m basically a Dr. Pepper man myself, but if it was between RC, Coke and Pepsi, I’d usually reach for the RC first.

Joe: Oh yeah, RC’s sorta like Ron Perlman. You’re never quite sure why things didn’t work out, and then you’re like “Oh, Ron Perlman’s a 7 foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.”

Steve: Absolutely.
And then his most prominent role in decades is one where nobody can see what he actually looks like.

Joe: Yeah, poor guy. He was Beast from Beauty and the Beast, Hellboy, and like four other roles where he was covered in makeup.
I have no idea if he’ll ever get recognized by anyone other than sci-fi fans.

Steve: It’s what he’s good at.
You know what else he’s doing a lot of these days?
Video game voices.
It’s like he’s committed himself to taking roles that can make him the maximum amount of money while allowing him to retain the maximum amount of anonimity.

Joe: Not a bad idea.
Hey, you know what movie Ron Perlman’s in?

Steve: What?

Joe: Any film where the story begins with “A crack commando squad is sent in to fight a psychotic band of…”

Steve: haha

Joe: Wait, they released this?
http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=mutantchronicles.htm
I know it’s horrible, but I wanted to see it.

Steve: Direct to DVD I think.
Hit up a Blockbuster.
They don’t carry good movies anymore, but they should have this one.
Along with 800 copies of anything starring a Wayans.
Or Tyler Perry.

Joe: Oh, just saw Babylon AD. I finished the first 100 minutes and I’m waiting for the movie to begin.
You know, the part of the movie with the story and character development and what the fuck a hot Russian cyborg?

Steve: All I remember is Vin Diesel shooting everything the fuck up.
And then the movie mooned me instead of ending or having a third act.

Joe: Yeah.
I got lost in there.
Ok, headed to lunch.

Steve: Later.

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Posted in Celebrities, Comic books, History's Greatest Villain, Movies