Category Archives: Movies

Go For It, Alan.

Steve: Holy fuck dude.
Holy…
fuck.

Joe: ??
You okay?

Steve:

“Hey Steve, thank you for your response!
I’m a film student down here in Orlando, FL and a HUUUUGE fan of your blog. Recently my friend and I took turns reading your posts out loud in a “table read” style and we had such a hilariously fun time that we are wanting to create a short sketch. It would be in a style reminiscent of an old Shakespearean actor reciting lines, but instead it would be me and my friend portraying you and Joe by fireplace in opulent robes. I did not want to start filming this sketch because out of respect I first wanted both you and Joe’s blessings. So may we have your go ahead to film this? If you have any questions or suggestions about it, feel free to ask.

Thank you and keep up the awesome blog,
Alan”

Joe: OUR GENIUS HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED!
Of course he has my blessing, but only if he sends us the final product.

Steve: Agreed.
And he’s talking about WKJT.
He’s not even talking about the blog we actually update regularly.
He’s talking about the one that we forget about.

Joe: I know
Tell him about Death By Movies.

Steve: Well if he reads WKJT he probably already knows about DBM.
But… wow. Someone who’s never met us reads our blog.

Joe: Dude, can you, in honor of our apparent fan, put a new tag line for WKJT?

Steve: Okay, what’s the line?

Joe: It should read “We’re Huge in Orlando.”

Steve: Done and done.
I think since this fellow is such a fan, he might get a giddy thrill out of us answering him via blog post.
Go for it, Alan.

Joe: Alan, in the words of the immortal Steve “Go for it, Alan.”
Also, I am to be played by a topless hobo and/or Marc Singer lookalike.

Steve: And I am to be portrayed by none other than the late Mitch Hedberg.

Joe: Hey, on a side note, guess what soda made its way to my Easter party yesterday?

Steve: Oh no.
If that bastard Sierra Mist turned up at your party, I hope you shanked him and took his wallet.

Joe: Sierra Mist tried raping the ham I made for Easter. Jesus literally had to come and take the keys to Hell and death from Sierra Mist in order to set things aright.

Steve: Sierra Mist ran into my in-laws’ house Easter morning just so he could kick my son in the balls, ask me where my Messiah is now, and run away cackling like a witch on PCP.

Joe: Sierra Mist votes for the Green party.

Steve: Sierra Mist was one of the scientists who created the chemical base for the film print of Superman 3, starring Richord Pryor.

Joe: Sierra Mist has a van with no windows and parks outside playgrounds.
That’s probably going too far.

Steve: Yeah, it is.
He usually parks inside the playgrounds.
The Eiffel Tower used to have walls. Sierra Mist stole them and built a shelter for homeless cats.
The cats appreciate it, but… come on man. That’s not how to go about things.

Joe: Sierra Mist campaigned for Hitler…in 1978…in New Jersey.

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote the entire third season of Heroes.

Joe: Sierra Mist shot Bambi’s mother.

Steve: Sierra Mist shot Bambi.

Joe: And that’s about it.

Steve: Man. We should have a “We’re huge in Orlando” party.

Joe: Agreed
Maybe we can film something this Saturday to thank our Orlando fans.

Steve: Good idea. It should involve a giant white ball. They love those there, right?

Joe: They also love…the Magic and…not mentioning Nick Anderson.

Steve: Plus old people represent 75% of their economy. We should do a military salute to old people.

Joe: Mmmm…no we shouldn’t, let’s let them keep their/our dignity.

Steve: Our what now?

Gandalf vs. Darth Vader

In reference to Joe's recent post on Death By Movies...

Steve: For the record:
Gandalf.
No contest.
Ok…
SOME contest.
But still Gandalf.

Joe: So.
You’re saying…
We need a point/counterpoint on Darth vs. Gandalf?

Steve: Apparently.
Point: Gandalf can summon the lords of various species of animals to aid him.

Joe: Darth Vader chokes people from twenty feet away.

Steve: Gandalf knocked Sauruman over from another country.
And that was another wizard.

Joe: Darth is the best fighter pilot in the galaxy.

Steve: Gandalf’s homeless sidekick can beat up an entire party of Nazgul.

Joe: Darth Vader has a light saber.

Steve: Gandalf has a staff that glows in the dark, shoots rays at flying dragons and knocks people over without touching them.

Joe: Darth Vader was responsible for wiping out the Jedi.

Steve: Gandalf can get fat midgets to fight dragons and overthrow dark lords.
Fat LAZY midgets.

Joe: Darth Vader was the most feared man/cyborg in the universe.

Steve: Gandalf was the head of a divine order of incarnate angelic beings sent by God to destroy evil.

Joe: Darth Vader also wiped out the Sith Lord.

Steve: Gandalf died and it didn’t take.

Joe: Darth was barely half alive the entire time he ruled the universe.

Steve: Ooh good recovery. Didn’t see that one coming.
Gandalf jumped off the roof of a tower, fought a Balrog on a one-foot-wide bridge, flew towards an erupting volcano, exorcised the King of Rohan, fought several wars despite being older than dirt, faced down the Witch King of Angmar, knocked the Steward of Gondor unconscious in the middle of his own city and pretty much gave every form of evil in Middle-Earth the finger.

Joe: Darth became evil, evil itself.

Steve: Gandalf’s beard changes color.

Joe: Darth killed his own son (or so he thought), killed his own wife (so he thought), helped blow up a planet, murdered his second Jedi master then murdered his Sith master, survived being burnt by volcanic lava and even his own sperm was so awesome it made the man who would change him back to being good.

Steve: So you’re saying Darth was beaten by his own sperm?
Gandalf was the wisest of the Maiar, cited by CĂ­rdan the Shipwright as having a higher inner greatness than any of the other Istari, and was entrusted with one of the three Elven rings, despite not being an elf.
He wore that ring… which was supposedly ruled by the One Ring… THE ENTIRE TIME he fought Sauron.

Joe: Darth couldn’t breathe well and still kicked everyone’s ass, even his son who he fought when he must have been in his late 50′s. He could sense ambushes coming from space ships which hadn’t even landed on the Death Star yet. He was maniacal enough to corrupt Billy Dee Williams.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS STEVE!

Steve: Gandalf had more friends that could defy the lord of all evil than Darth Vader had working body parts.

Joe: So, you’re saying Gandalf had an unfair advantage there. I agree.

Steve: If by “unfair advantage,” you mean he used the resources available to him to their fullest potential, yes.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader had an entire Imperial army at his command and insisted on doing everything himself.
But let’s bring theis back to mano-a-mano
Say Darth gets lucky and someohow lands a lightsaber in Gandalf’s belly.
What happens then?
Mofo gets up.
Stronger, and with cleaner clothes.
And gives it another go.
What happens when Darth dies?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Joe: He comes back and his ghost probably trains the next generation of Jedi.

Steve: Yeah and that’s something we’d all like to see. The worst villain in the universe training space cops.
And let’s not forget. 30 years after Darth dies, he inevitably turns back into Hayden Christensen.
That’s just science.

Joe: Okay, that’s Apocrypha and you know it.

Steve: Is it, Joe?
Is it?
Well, if that’s Apocrypha, then Vader doing anything after he dies besides hanging out by a fire and smiling is also Apocrypha.

Joe: DARTH VADER!!!!!!!!

Steve: MITHRANDIR!!!!!

Judge Dredd and Movies That Star Wrestlers

Steve: I am in possession of a Judge Dredd DVD.

Joe: I’m scared.
The lalllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllaaawwwwwwww

Steve: I haven’t watched it yet.
I’m kind of nervous about it.

Joe: I’d avoid it.

Steve: I can’t.
That video made me need to see it.
Here’s thing Joe.
I think Judge Dredd and Demolition Man are seen kind of the same way.
But I actually think Demolition Man is way better than people give it credit for.
And while I know that’s not going to be true of Dredd
I just can’t help but wonder…

Joe: You’ll regret this.

Steve: I’m going in with my eyes open.

Joe: That’s the problem.

Steve: I’m not sure when I’m going.
But when I do, it’ll be with my eyes open.
Have you seen it?

Joe: No, and I have no plans to.

Steve: I’m really just hoping it’ll be a fun terrible movie.
And if not, what have I lost? It’s not like I was gonna go somewhere.

Joe: Ha.
http://www.deathbymovies.com/2012/02/02/deadly-franchise-marathons/

Steve: Reading…
Um…
Excuse me?
I believe your forgetting a little film called Suburban Commando?

Joe: Was Suburban Commando with Hulk?

Steve: Yeah.
I watched it so many times as a kid.

Joe: I really try not to remember that part of his career.
Didn’t that one have Christopher Lloyd? Or was that the nanny movie he did?
They’re all equally awful.

Steve: I think it had Lloyd, yeah.
It’s been years.

Joe: Seriously, would there be a worse collection of movies to watch?

Steve: It’d be worse if we weren’t action fans too.
I make it through some of those purely on the killing.
Although for the record, I have never even attempted to watch anything with John Cena.
And only one thing starring Steve Austin, but that was because I was gearing up for The Expendables.
Also, They Live was a pretty good movie until about 45 minutes in.
Then all of a sudden it was crap.

Joe: Right.

Steve: Like the director just gave up or something.

Joe: You bite your tongue about John Carpenter.

Steve: Eh… nah.

Damn The Gods

In reference to Joe’s earlier post at http://www.deathbymovies.com/2011/12/22/sequels/

Steve: Wow. You really have a lot of bitterness about Greek myths.
Were you forced to read the Illiad when you were six or something?

Joe: Am I wrong?
Are there warm and cuddly Greek myths not retold by Disney?

Steve: Um…
That’s like… being right and wrong at the same time
Obviously Greek myths are really dark. Most mythologies are.
But… like… are you okay?

Joe: What?

Steve: You seem personally offended by it.
Like Greek myth raped your mom or something.
Wait… are you a demigod?

Joe: I am Zoul

Steve: The minion of Gozer?

Joe: You’re the minion.

Steve: Your mom’s a minion.
Minion of Jesus.

Steve: Also, I’m going to adjust your extremely venomous post so that terrible trailer is embedded instead of linked.
Did you see the first Clash of the Titans?

Joe: Yes.

Steve: Were you with me?
That movie was BAAAAADDDDDDD.
But the kind of bad that I sometimes like to watch just to make fun of it.

Joe: I saw it at the Grove with friends.
not with me
you

Steve:
Did you just get me confused with yourself?

Joe: Kinda.

Steve: Dammit. We all knew this day would come. I’d better grow my beard out again.

Monster Epics

This conversation relates to our new project, DeathByMovies.com

Steve: So Joe.
I think we should have a goal.
And that goal should be Godzilla.
We should spend the year building up our tolerances.
And then close out with a two-weekend Godzilla marathon.
There are 22 of those.
We could 11 each weekend.
And then collapse and die.

Joe: I hate you and I totally agree.

Steve: How much do you agree?

Joe: What do you mean?

Steve: Enough that we can announce that as our goal now?

Joe: Yes.

Steve: Alright. We’re both in then.
Damn.
So much Godzilla.

Joe: You know what the worst part of that 2 weekend nightmare will be?

Steve: The American one.
Or do you mean the Monday in between?

Joe: No, the American one.
I have watched a total of 5 minutes of that twice in my life and regretted it ever since.

Steve: Yeah that’s the one where Godzilla doesn’t even breathe fire.
I saw it in the theater.
I was young enough to assume they couldn’t possibly screw up Godzilla.
He’s a giant fire-breathing lizard who can’t be killed.
Only in the movie he not only didn’t breathe fire and was easily killed.
He also turned out to be asexual and laid a bunch of eggs so that they could rip off the Jurassic Park raptor scene with a bunch of baby Godzillas.
In other words, they literally cut the dick off the most famous monster in movie history.
On the flip side, you know what the best part of those two weekends will be?

Joe: ???

Steve: Godzilla vs. King Kong.

Joe: True.

Steve: Greatest thing since Superman vs. Batman

Joe: Did you ever take sides in that fight? I always hated King Kong for even thinking he could get into the ring with Godzilla.
Giant fire breathing dragon with armor plating created from toxic waste vs. giant gorilla.
Didn’t seem like a fair fight on any front.

Steve: Eh.
It’s tricky.
I mean, monkeys beat reptiles every time.
But like you said, Godzilla breathes fire, which is something real reptiles don’t do.
Plus, in the original movies King Kong was 50 feet tall while Godzilla was 400.
So again, Godzilla
But I’ve actually seen that film.
And the explanation was that in the intervening years, Kong had simply continued eating the giant-growth berries that embiggened him in the first place.
So now he was Godzilla-sized.
Plus, apparently electricity makes Kong stronger but hurts Godzilla.
So the lightning storm helped him out.
Kong won in the American release, but my understanding is Godzilla won in the Japanese release.

Joe: Yes, that was the case.
Editor’s Note: No, it wasn’t. Turns out Kong won in both versions.

Steve: I say Kong I guess.
Breathing fire is nice, but nothing beats raw brute strength.

Joe: Except breathing fucking fire.
But whatever.
I was super emotional about it as a kid.

Steve: Gorillas are fucking strong dude
Haha.

Joe: Fire is hot, nuclear fire is crazy hot.

Steve: I loved them both.
Yeah but Kong can take it.
From his perspective, it’d only be a little bit of fire.
It just singed his fur.

Later…

Steve:I also have bad news.
The Godzilla franchise is even bigger than I thought.
29 films total with a 30th in preproduction.
Possibly to be released next December.

Joe: I hate you.
Well, that’s like three Saturdays.

Steve: http://www.deathbymovies.com/
Just posted about it.

Joe: Not sure that’s possible, especially in December.

Steve: I think we’ll be able to do it in two.
30 hours each.
Say we start at 9am Saturday, we’d be done by 3pm Sunday.
Then sleep until it’s time to go to work.
Hopefully we’ll gain the experience we need to pull it off between now and then.

Death By Movies

This conversation is the genesis of our new project, DeathByMovies.com

Steve: Dude.
Dude dude dude.
You gotta do this new thing with me.

Joe: Mmm…does it involve lube? ‘Cuz if it does, I’m out.

Steve: No.
Worse.
I just had the greatest idea for a blog ever.
And I’m totally doing it.

Joe: Are we doing a blog a year now?

Steve: And I want you in on it with me.

Joe: What is it?

Steve: Once a month.
We sit down and watch an entire movie franchise from beginning to end in one sitting.
And blog while we do it.
We start with the Fast and the Furious.
We can do Rambo, Die Hard, Rocky, Alien, Predator, Friday the 13th, whatever we want.
But the only rule is we have to watch ALL of them.
No skipping Rocky V.
And we write whatever comes out of us while this is happening.
What do you think?

Joe: I like it, might actually be a good way to kill a saturday while watching our sons and letting our wives rest, sleep, shop, hang out, etc.
I think we should do one a month and agree before hand on which franchises
Obviously Rocky and Fast/Furious are in.
Probably Die Hard as well.

Steve: And Rambo
We can bring in guest bloggers to watch with us too
I did this once with Glen when we watched all ten Star Treks.
That was a one shot deal but it was hilariously painful.

Joe: Well, Star Treks would take two days, maybe three.
We should put things like Rambo and Fast between things nicer to our souls, like Lord of the Rings or something.

Steve: At the time there were ten Star Treks.
It took us from 1:30pm on Saturday to 9:00am on Sunday.
We were totally incoherent by the end.

Joe: Yeah.
I’d be blind and dead.
Also, I think we should end with Star Wars, watching them in the order they were created, not the order Lucas rammed them up our asses.

Steve: Star Wars yeah.
I might feel the opposite about the order though.
That’s one of the few franchises where we could have the better movies at the end.
So you’re on board with this? Because I want to start soon. I’ll probably create the blog today.
We could have a no pausing rule.
That keeps it from taking forever.

Joe: Right.
We will have to create a schedule and present it to wives as “you will have this Saturday off while we do something stupid with our boys.”

Steve: Agreed.
I think Sarah’s already on board.
She had this look on her face that was a mix of excitement and terror while she simultaneously realized the awesomeness of the blog and the horribleness of what we’ll have to do to create it.
The taking the baby element will seal the deal I think.
Yeah, Sarah’s down.
If Liz agrees we’re golden.

Joe: I’ll email Liz.

Steve: The next step is to start making a list of every movie franchise we can think of with more than two films in it.
We’ll probably run out of franchises we like early on.

Joe: True.

Steve: But we can probe history for things like Frankenstein.

Joe: That might be too much.

Steve: And Sergio Leone’s Man With No Name trilogy, which isn’t really a trilogy but is called one.

Joe: There are some very old and some very bad and some very bad old Frankenstein movies.

Steve: Yup
My parents a have a DVD box set
Dude!
I just realized.
If we get started soon enough maybe we can build up a following before Avengers comes out.

Joe: That’s a good one.

Steve: Then we can watch all the Marvel movies at my place and cap it off by going to the theater
It’ll be like a premiere event
And we can do the with Expendables 2
Watch one film from each actor, then Expendables 1, then go to the theater.

Joe: I don’t have time right now, can you create the biggest list you can and I’ll edit/update after I see it and then we decide?

Steve: Yeah no problem
Everyone’s about to leave me alone here anyway.
Later we’ll start inviting other bloggers over to do it with us. Cross promotion.
My sister wants to do our first one with us.
She’ll be in town on the 1st for Johnny’s dedication.
I don’t suppose you have Monday the 2nd off work?

Steve: Okay I shared a Google Doc with you.
I marked in red the ones I really want to do and put asterisks around franchises that have a new installment coming out soon.

Joe: Ok, I will look at it later.

Watchmen without Nixon and Battle: Los Angeles


Joe: If we could somehow eliminate the 90′s for Stallone, we’d be cutting out Rocky V, Daylight, Judge Dredd, Demolition Man, Oscar, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot and just about every film he gets panned for. The only good thing we’d be taking out is Cop Land.

Steve: Actually, I’m very pro-Demolition Man.

Joe: You’re very pro-stupid.

Steve: I think it’s a beautiful example of 80′s/early 90′s action movies.
Muscles, explosions, glorification of said muscles and explosions.

Joe: Regardless, I’m just saying that if we took out the 90′s, he goes from Tango & Cash to Get Carter.

Steve: Yeah…

Joe: No one liked Get Carter, but he was trying to branch out.

Steve: Yeah, on the whole, he needs to lose the 90′s.

Joe: His quote about fake-muscled super stars was pretty accurate. America was fascinated with skinny heroes like Michael Keaton and Keanu Reeves.
There’s no room for him in there.
Arnold hit hard times too, especially with that Batman poop show.
I think the 90′s needs to apologize to the 80′s for fucking shit up, and then the 70′s needs to apologize to humanity for existing.

Steve: No, all the best rock music is from the 70′s.
What we really need to do is wipe out the 60′s.
That was the birth of evil.

Joe: Mmm… I feel like parts of the 70′s (fashion, architecture, politics, oil prices, tele-evangelists, plaid pants, etc.) really need to apologize.

Steve: Yeah, all true.
But the really evil stuff like the sexual revolution, the proliferation of divorce, glorified heavy drug use, etc. all came from the 60′s.

Joe: I feel like it came from the last part of 60′s. There was this odd quote from a throwaway Soderbergh movie where a character says. “The 60′s weren’t the 60′s, just ’68 and half of ’69.”
So maybe we ditch like Jan. 1 1968 – Dec. 31 1974 (Nixon resigns in there)
that really gets rid of a lot – wood stock, MLK’s murder, RFK’s murder, both of Nixon’s elections, etc.

Steve: True.

Joe: Although, if Nixon never gets elected, where does that leave the Watchmen?

Steve: Oh they’d be fine.
As long as there was still a Vietnam War.

Joe: ’68-’74 gets rid of most of the deaths in Vietnam, changes it to more of an Iraq (hey why are we over there, 10,000 Americans got killed) from an “Oh my God, hundreds of thousands of young Americans lost their lives in a war fought completely the wrong way for reasons no one remembers.”
They’d be less snarky.

Steve: Nah.
I have a theory that the level of tragedy that actually took place is not directly proportional to how pissed off Alan Moore is about it.

Joe: You know what I thought about when I saw the first 10 minutes of Watchmen?

Steve: What?

Joe: Alan Moore thinking “You know what would make me more pissed than reality? This other reality I created. Oh man, I’d be so pissed if that actually happened. Holy sh*t, now I am pissed, f*cking Nixon’s fourth term, I’m so pissed.”

Steve: Hahaha.
Truth.

Joe: It was just so odd that he created an alternate reality that every American would have hated…but then passed it off as acceptable. Just really an odd premise. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t a big fan. You can rewrite the future however you want, but rewriting a past that really wasn’t possible makes it hard to grasp I think.
Unless it’s Abe Lincoln vs. Vampires.
That’s awesome.

Steve: I kind of disagree.
The only thing he changed was that America had a god-like superbeing on our side during the Cold War.
I’m pretty sure that would have made most of that stuff happen.
Probably not the four-term Nixon thing, but even that wouldn’t be a huge jump.

Joe: Mmm… I don’t know, didn’t seem believable.

Steve: Well you and I have grown up in a world where two-term limits are just a given.
But that didn’t happen until FDR.

Joe: True.

Steve: In Nixon’s day, there were still people alive who thought of that as a new-ish law.

Joe: But, whatever.
We already had this conversation three or four times.

Steve: We did? I don’t remember having the “feasibility of Moore’s Nixon thesis” discussion.

Joe: Well, we’ve had the overall “Why Joe does not and Steve does like Watchmen”

Steve: Oh. Yeah, the book was better.

Joe: I want to see Battle: LA next weekend, want to go?
or this weekend.
whichever.

Steve: I saw it Sunday.

Joe: Damn.
I was spinning from vertigo.

Steve: No, no.

Joe: How was it?

Steve: I saved you.

Joe: Really?

Steve: Oh yeah.
It’s the worst movie since 2012.
Discounting Avatar, obviously.

Joe: Wow.
I had high hopes for Aaron Eckhart. That makes me sad.

Steve: Dude, I couldn’t believe they got Aaron Eckhart to say some of that dialogue.
I said to Sarah, “This movie has everything.”
In a single unit of Marines, they had the guy with a pregnant wife,
The scared virgin kid who’d never been in combat,
The young leitenant nervous about his first field command,
The staff sergeant with a bad reputation because he got people killed on his last assignment,
The guy whose brother got killed on the staff sergeant’s last assignment,
The guy who was about to get married,
They had a scene with a guy writing a letter beginning with the words “My dearest wife-”
And a later scene where he entrusts that letter to someone else with his dying breath,

Joe: Ok.
You win.
I shouldn’t see it.

Steve: (The woman down the row from us audibly groaned at that part)

Joe: I owe you something for taking the bullet.

Steve: Oh that’s not the best part.
EVERY COOL EFFECTS SHOT WAS IN THE TRAILER.

Joe: Oh man.
What a waste.

Steve: Even with all that horse crap, there wasn’t even any great eye candy to make it worthwhile.

Joe: Ugh, so crappy.
Anyway, lunch.

Steve: Aight later.

Star Trek V vs. Rocky V


Steve: It’s amazing how spending three seconds trimming my mustache to uniform length can make my entire beard look more presentable.
Maybe we only look at someone’s top lip to judge their beard.

Joe: Maybe.
Did I tell you I had vertigo last week?

Steve: Yeah.
You’re all better now?

Joe: Mostly.
I get a dizzy spell now and then, but if I stay hydrated I’m fine.
I guess dehydration is part of the problem.
Something in my head was inflamed, so my whole apartment was a carnival ride wednesday morning, complete with vomit and a strange urine smell.
Had to go see the doctor, get medicine (including Xanax) and watched Star Treks 1, 2 and 3.
Although I didn’t like being sick, I’m glad I was able to watch Star Trek 3 and realize that I was a fool to like such a huge pile of crap.

Steve: Vertigo must have made the Star Trek movies seem like awesome action thrill rides.

Joe: Star Trek 2 was amazing on Xanax/vertigo.
Carlos Montalban in the most amazing breast plate ever was so cool, and the ear wig thingies were super scary.
I watched Star Trek 3 while mostly sober.

Steve: Ricardo

Joe: Right.
Ricardo Montalban.
Out of all the Star Trek movies, you know which line always sticks out the most?

Steve: Yeah, Star Trek 2 would be the perfect movie if they hadn’t cast a whiney dweeb with a blonde fro as the son of James Kirk.

Joe: Oh yeah, possibly the worst miscasting of the 1980′s.

Steve: I can’t understand why that one is so many people’s favorite Trek movie, and the main reason I can’t understand it is that kid.

Joe: With the exception of that kid, it’s a good movie.

Steve: Yeah.
What line sticks out the most?

Joe: “What does God need with a starship?”
From the fifth one I think, which is the worst turd that ever turded a turd.
And you know why it sticks out the most? It’s both a legitmate and mentally retarded question at the same time.

Steve: I would like to make a comparative judgement that may lead to an internet discussion of mammoth proportions.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: Star Trek V, though it is the worst Star Trek movie, and one of the top ten worst major sci-fi movies of all time…
Is still less despicable than Rocky V.
I could sit through Star Trek V way more easily than I could Rocky V.

Joe:

Steve: I know, tough call, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.

Joe: I think that’s true for 2 reasons:

Steve: Yeah, Tommy and Gunn.

Joe: 1. Star Trek movies were already up and down. By that point, 2 and 4 were well received and 1 and 3 were Turd Ferguson.
2. Rocky movies were all awesome or at least spectacular from 1-4, culminating in a bomb of epic proportions.
3. As bad as that blonde kid was, Tommy Gunn was somehow worse in every way.
4. Putting Mickey in as a sign of dementia was like Jesus resurecting as a mummy or something.
5. Someone finally punches Paulie (who deserved to lose his front teeth after the way he treated Adrian in Rocky 1 and ruining their finances in Rocky V) but then somehow the audience is expected to feel bad for Paulie?
On a side note, how fucking long was Rocky in Russia? He goes to train for a fight, gives Paulie the keys to the castle for 6 months at most, and Paulie destroys their finances?

Steve: Oh yeah, not to mention the kid’s age jump.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: He’s like four when Rocky leaves for Russia and like 13 when he gets back.

Joe: You just reminded me of how awful that kid was.
And yet, somehow Tommy Gunn was worse.

Steve: Dude Tommy Gunn is such a bad actor, I wouldn’t believe him if he was reading my diary to me.

Joe: Dude, he’s such a scary guy now. he’s got HIV, denies there’s such a thing as HIV, still boxes in like underground fights… it’s like he’s training to be Joker’s deranged henchman or something.

Steve: He denies there’s such a thing as HIV?

Joe: Yeah, he denies HIV exists.
He has lesions on his face and he denies HIV exists.

Steve: That’s… insane.
And only further proves that Rocky V is the worst thing ever.

Joe: Yup.

Inception: B/B+ from Steve, B+/A- from Joe (or: Is Chris Nolan trying to recreate his success through a clever use of posters?)

Joe: I can’t believe Christopher Nolan thinks that Inception was his idea. Only Danny Glover and I know the truth.

Steve: I can’t believe you and Danny Glover think that. Only Ernie Hudson, Don Rickles and I know the truth.

Joe: I really liked Inception, very well shot, well written and well acted.
Hard to find any flaws.

Steve: I agree with your first sentence, but not your second.
The highest compliment I can pay this movie was that it was so enjoyable and engaging that my mind immediately started latching onto the few things about it that prevented it from being perfect.
It’s one of only four good movies released so far this summer.
(The other three being Karate Kid, Toy Story 3 and Predators).
And Inception is the best of those and the only one of those four that isn’t a sequel or remake.
So hell yeah to that.

Joe: I thought it was original. The story was good and I liked the writing quite a bit.
Not sure why you disagree.

Steve: I don’t disagree on any one of those points. I definitely was into it but a few things bugged me.
First and foremost, Ellen Page.
Or more accurately, the relationship between her character and DiCaprio’s.
Not for one second did I buy that Ellen Page’s wide-eyed college student character could possibly have exerted any amount of control or authority, even through blackmail, over DiCaprio’s older, more matured, world-weary dream expert.
It’s just weird how completely dominated he is by her even though she should be totally at his mercy given their positions.
Even his long-time comrades couldn’t or wouldn’t bare his secrets without his permission, yet he repeatedly caves to the n00b for no apparent reason. I found it completely out of character.

Joe: Mmmm…I thought they set up his character as being on the brink of a breakdown and while he had the others fooled, Ellen was possibly more talented than he was.
I thought it made sense that she found his weak points in part because he wanted them to be found.

Steve: I didn’t.
I also didn’t buy that if his issues were such obviously major threats to their job, that his other friends, who knew way more about shared dreaming than she did, wouldn’t know they were in danger.

Joe: I think they knew they were in danger, and that their jobs were full of danger.
I don’t think they had any clue how difficult things were this time.

Steve: In the opening scene, his right-hand man witnesses Cobb’s subconscious destroy their whole job.
Then he just seems to forget that that happened, while Ellen Page makes it her personal mission to blackmail Cobb with what everyone seems to already know about.
So that didn’t really make sense.
But more than the logic problems of the experts not noticing what the newbie did, was just that I didn’t accept Leo allowing her in.

Joe: Well, I thought they established the girl as intelligent, even more so than the other two male leads.
I thought it made sense that she could penetrate Leo’s persona because she had no emotional attachment to him, or any history with him.

Steve: You could explain it that way, but I didn’t feel that the movie did so.
I felt that all the characters came off as highly intelligent (which, btw, is a HUGE compliment to any film) and therefore I didn’t buy that the people closest to him didn’t know the danger he presented.

Joe: I think they knew, but it was the degree of trouble that they didn’t know.

Steve: They could have even suggested that they did know, but trusted him enough to go in anyway.

Joe: I think the film was all about degrees, and slight adjustments made a huge difference.
They were aware of some, but not all of the degrees.

Steve: Okay, that’s the second thing.
Why did Ellen Page automatically know that Cobb’s wife presented a severe threat to everyone’s safety when I still don’t understand why?
Cobb is never allowed to know the specifics of the dream geography because if Mal ever knew her way around the dream, it would ruin everything.
Why is that?
Mal’s motivation is that she wants Cobb to stay in creepy subbasement dreamland with her forever.
So why does constantly attacking the dream help her further that goal?
It made no sense.
We see her do it once at the beginning, then at the end we find out what she’s all about, but it still doesn’t explain the way she behaves or why everyone’s terrified of her.

Joe: Because Mal was DiCaprio’s subconscious and it would try to protect him by harming everyone else.
It attacked foreign entities. That’s what everyone’s subconscious did, only everything in a non-Leo dream world would be a foreign entity.
I’m actually surprised you don’t understand that, that was one of the easier things to get I thought.

Steve: I don’t agree. The film never established anything of the sort.

Joe: Wait, when Page went into Leo’s dreams, Page was attacked and Leo had no control over his thoughts.
If one of Leo’s subconscious thoughts was introduced into another world, everything would be foreign, meaning everything would be at risk and Leo would have no control.

Steve: That’s an interesting interpretation, but it’s too great a leap. The scene you’re referring to established that the primary dreamer’s (i.e., the target’s) subconscious projections would attack foreign entities, because in that scene they were in Leo’s dream.
The idea that your subconscious being in someone else’s dream is a threat was never solidified.

Joe: It’s inferred.

Steve: Nope.
Not clear.
In fact, I suspect that if I were to ask Chris Nolan why it was bad for Mal to know the dream geography, he might give me a different answer than what you just did.

Joe: The subconscious beings are said to be protecting the dreamer, so if they are mindless protection, they would seek to protect what they understand to be the dreamer, which isn’t very much.
And you can’t say nope.
Nope is frustrating.

Steve: Sorry, I think you’re filling in gaps in the movie’s logic that the movie should be filling in for you.

Joe: I disagree.

Steve: Well, there’s that.

Joe: While this isn’t saying very much, it’s easily the best movie of the summer…so far.

Steve: I absolutely agree with that.
But back to the bitchfest. Another problem – and this is something it took me a while to put my finger on -

Joe: Ugh…what?

Steve: I was really disappointed that early on there was a line about how the dream is more about “feeling” than sight and sound, but that’s never demonstrated in any way. The dreams didn’t feel like dreams. They just looked like normal scenes.
Everything was very logical and straightforward and made perfect sense. The few times something fantastic and unreal does happen, like a train driving down Main Street or gravity pulling the wrong direction, we’re told this is bad, because these kinds of things will risk cluing the mark in on the fact that he’s dreaming.
I don’t know about you, but my dreams are NEVER straight narratives that take place in any sort of logical space. They just SEEM to make sense while I’m in them, even though characters are constantly turning into one another, locations are shifting, non-threatening things are terrifying, mundane things seem ecstatic, etc.
I wanted to see more of that in the film, but instead everything plays like a heist movie with pretty much the same physical rules as real life.
That’s more of a direct critique of Nolan’s vision than any sort of plot hole or weak storytelling.
But I do wish there had been more cool dream-type stuff happening.

Joe: I thought about that, but if things got too fantastic, then it’s the Matrix with dreams, which it already sort of was. I appreciated that they treated dreams as less fantastic and more a spin on reality.
I was on the fence. They treated all dreams as mundane dreams, but it might have been too big of a stretch to throw in a purple dinosaur or a knife throwing rabbi.
The film was already 150 minutes.

Steve: I would have been more happy with it if they had explained it as a necessary aspect of shared dreaming.
That would have made it totally fine for me.
Like, in a shared dream, the architect is responsible for maintaining some semblance of reality in order to maintain stability and make it possible for everyone’s mind to interpret it the same way.
But they never got into that or any other explanation.

Joe: Well, I think if you’re going to make a story about dreams or supernatural occurrences, you’re going to have to throw out some stuff.
I think here, they threw out most of the fantastic, which I was fine with.
It’s the creator’s choice I suppose.

Steve: Yeah, but then why did they have the line early on about how it was more about feeling than seeing, only to demonstrate the exact opposite for the rest of the movie?
It’s not a huge deal, but I think it was something of a weakness on Nolan’s part.
It wouldn’t have added any length but it would have added to the effects budget.
So maybe that’s it.

Joe: Can I make a statement that will undoubtedly offend you?

Steve: Sure.

Joe: You sent me a text earlier about how the many positive reviews and the many people that raved about it bugged you.
I know how you feel, but I think it’s a bad habit people our age have when stuff like that happens.
We don’t like when there is too much positive, or too much love shown to a film/band/politician.
I know when everyone is calling a B+ an A+ it’s annoying, but I don’t think it should bug you that much.

Steve: If you’re saying that I’m looking for flaws out of a spirit of rebellion, you’re 100% right.
And it doesn’t bug me that much.
But it does automatically make me more critical.

Joe: Yeah, I am the same way.
But… isn’t that a bad thing we’re doing?

Steve: No.
I mean, sometimes it can be, but it can also help keep us grounded.
In this case, I sincerely don’t believe that this movie is the greatest movie ever made.
I don’t even think it’s the greatest movie Chris Nolan’s ever made.

Joe: I agree.
But, it’s really good. And I think when everyone likes something, it’s now cool to find major flaws. I think that’s a bad habit our generation has. Not that we should be sheep, but that the desire to rebel or critique is a little too strong sometimes.

Steve: Yeah, but I’m aware of that in myself and I feel that I sufficiently kept that instinct in check in this case.
My motivation is less about tearing down the movie than it is about pointing out that it’s not Citizen Freaking Kane.

Joe: I agree that it’s not.

Steve: I don’t want to detract from the movie’s accomplishments at all.
I just kind of have to take up the complainy role in this conversation because you’re playing good cop.

Joe: However, look at its competition so far this year.
Sequels of sequels, remakes, the fucking mutant A-Team.
All crap.
It’s a sliding scale I think, but with the exception of a film that’s coming out August 13.
A little film starring a little actor named Sylvester Stallone.

Steve: Don’t call him little to his face or he’ll reach up and stab you in the neck.

Joe: My lower neck.

Steve: All in all, I give Inception a B or maybe a B+.

Joe: Yeah, it wasn’t a perfect movie, but really good. And I’m glad neither of us bothered to get into a “did the top fall over or keep spinning at the end” conversation.
That would have been annoying.

Steve: It was really engaging and I didn’t lose focus on it at any point, even though I had been fasting for three days and had a massively painful ear infection.

Joe: Ouch.

Steve: Which basically means it was really freaking good, because both of those things should have made it really hard to pay attention to a movie.

Joe: Anyway, I’m gonna take a nap and maybe..THE EXPENDABLES IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

Steve: Yup.

Joe: We’ve had our intelligent, challenging summer movie. Now it’s time to reinvent the action movie.

Steve: Oh yeah, since you brought it up, I also thought the last shot with the top spinning was unnecessary.

Joe: Yeah, me too.

Steve: They had gone the whole movie without ever bringing up the standard “how do you know you’re not dreaming when you think you’re awake” question that all dream movies inevitably harp on.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Then in the last shot they go and smack us in the face with the most overused faux-philosophical mind-bender in movie history.

Joe: So stupid.
I agree, very annoying.
But, I can forget the last 7 seconds.

Steve: So, what letter grade would give the movie?

Joe: B+/A-, low A- though, like an 89.5 number grade.

Steve: Oh.
So almost the same as me.
Despite my complaints.

Joe: Slightly higher than you. Not a solid A. I feel like I should have been impacted spiritually to get a good A.

Steve: Yeah, good wording.

Joe: But it was Citizen Kane compared to the last two or three months of movies.

Steve: No doubt.
This is the shittiest movie year ever so far.

Joe: Yeah. I mean the Planet of the Apes summer was bad, but not like this.

Steve: Inception is probably going to sweep at the Oscars just because there’s no competition.

Joe: Agreed.
It’ll at least get nominated for Best Picture.
At least.
And Best Director.

Steve: I think I feel about Inception the way Dan Roemer felt about The Hurt Locker.

Joe: I still haven’t seen Hurt Locker.

Steve: Which is basically: Yeah, it was really good, but that should be the baseline for how movies should be. This should be the least we expect from any movie that sees a major release. The best picture nominees should be several levels above even this.

Joe: I agree.

Steve: But sadly, we don’t live in a world of mostly goods and a few greats.

Joe: I know.

Steve: We live in a world of mostly shit and a few goods and a very few greats.

Joe: It’s disappointing that this film was really good, but nothing has come close this year.
Well, maybe not nothing, but you know what I mean.

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: It’s not as if I can name even one or two other films I think should be nominated for Best Picture.

Steve: I can tell you Toy Story 3 will be.
Other than that, who knows?

Joe: Can they nominate a threeqel?
Hey, I really do have to take a nap. I’ll talk to you tomorrow dude.

Steve: If they do ten nominees again this year, who knows?
Aight.
Later.

Predators Released Today!




Joe: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10012256-predators/
Next weekend?

Steve: I might go this weekend.
Next weekend is Inception.

Joe: Oh right.

Steve: Sarah and I have a deal.
I will see Inception if she will see Predators.

Joe: I think Inception will be really good and Predators will be better than Predator 2 and those AVP movies.

Steve: I know I should want to see Inception anyway, but I just can’t bring myself to care about that movie.
No matter how many good reviews it gets.
I think it’s just because they’ve been playing the same two trailers for a year.
And they’ve still barely told us anything about it.

Joe: But don’t we get annoyed when trailers tell use the whole story? I sorta of like that.

Steve: Yeah, but there’s a middle ground.
You don’t have to tell me the whole story to tell me the premise.
All I know about Inception is something about dreams and a city gets folded in half.
But I think Predators will be awesome.
It’s gotten all good reviews so far.
And more importantly, Robert Rodriguez has promised to restore the Predator franchise to its pre-spin-off glory.
Which means he, like the rest of the actual sci-fi fans of the world, is wondering why we should care about yet another Aliens Vs. Predator movie or video game or comic book or whatever when there hasn’t been a legit Predator movie since the 80′s.
I think he’s about to fix that problem.
And even that Danny Glover movie was just kind of weird.
Not terrible, exactly.
Just… weird.

Joe: It annoyed me.

Steve: It set the tone for Predator lore to come.
Which is either good or bad.

Joe: I think the overall problem with Predator movies is that the draw of the Predators is also their downfall. They toy with humanity because they’re stronger and more advanced. But, who the hell wants to pay $12 to see humans get their asses kicked by Predators for two hours?

Steve: Um… everyone?

Joe: Dude, the second Predator movie made no money.

Steve: Yeah, but that was because it had Danny Glover replacing Arnold.
The problem isn’t the concept, it’s the execution.

Joe: The first movie at least put our strongest human against a teenage Predator and they came out relatively even.
The AVP movies were kinda shitty because all anyone wanted to see was 10,000 Aliens vs. 10,000 Predators and we got some shitty actors talking for way too long.

Steve: Exactly.
AVP can go screw itself.
That was a bad idea in the first place AND they didn’t do it right anyway.

Joe: I’m saying you’ve got to give humans at least a fighting chance to survive, and it looks like that’s what this movie does.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Just like the Arnold movie.

Joe: Right, I think we agree.

Steve: I liked Predator 2 in concept, but I’d have to actually watch it again to know how good or bad it really was.
I suspect a lot of the “bad” was actually just “dated.”
Because it took place in the city and all the gangbangers had brightly colored mohawks.

Joe: I’m saying the problem with the last 3 Predatorish movies was that humans seemed helpless.

Steve: For my money, the best Predator story since the first movie was a little comic book called Batman vs. Predator.
Which sounds like just another silly comic book crossover but was, in fact, the shiznit.

Joe: I remember that short.

Steve: No, it was a comic.
It was basically the same concept as Predator 2, but better executed.

Joe: Yeah, but I remember the short.

Steve: Oh, Batman: Dead End.
Yeah that was a cool short, but it also had Aliens in it, so screw it.

Joe: Right.

Steve: Batman vs. Predator was just Predator 2, but with Batman instead of Danny Glover.
Predator comes to the big city and starts murdering all the most powerful people.
Mob bosses, boxing champions, etc.
Until he finally targets Batman.

Joe: Ah.
Better concept.

Steve: Several Batman/Predator fights ensue.
Batman loses most of them.
Anyway, I’d better get a copy of Predator for tonight.
Sarah’s never seen it.

Joe: Really?
It’s on all the time.
It’s one of the top three Arnold movies.
Oh, there’s a wicked list.
Top 3-5 Arnold movies.

Steve: Predator, Terminator one and two.

Joe: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Steve: Well, it depends on what we mean by “top.”

Joe: Maybe if you go to 5 it gets tougher for 4 and 5.

Steve: After them I’d say True Lies.

Joe: I liked Total Recall.
Maybe the first Conan.

Steve: Leaving out Twins and Kindergarten Cop on the assumption that we’re talking about action movies.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, yeah here’s my list:
1. Terminator 2
2. Conan the Barbarian
3. Predator
4. Terminator
5. Total Recall
6. True Lies

Joe: Mine:
Terminator 2
Predator
Terminator 1
Conan the Barbarian
Total Recall
True Lies was good though

Steve: Yeah, I’m iffy on whether Conan or Predator should be #2, actually.
They’re both amazing movies.
Conan was the father of a new genre of sword-and-sorcery movies, AND it was the first movie to make Arnold a movie star.
But then Predator was one of the single best action movies of the greatest era of action movies.

Joe: True.
You know what would be terrible, Arnold in a Star Trek movie.

Steve: Yes, Arnold as Spock.
No, Arnold as Scotty.

Joe: Wouldn’t that be the worst thing you’ve ever seen?

Steve: Yes.
Yes it would.
Anyway, I’ve got to get in the shower now, but I leave you with this:

And this: