Category Archives: Death By Movies

Go For It, Alan.

Posted on April 9, 2012 | Comments Off

Steve: Holy fuck dude.
Holy…
fuck.

Joe: ??
You okay?

Steve:

“Hey Steve, thank you for your response!
I’m a film student down here in Orlando, FL and a HUUUUGE fan of your blog. Recently my friend and I took turns reading your posts out loud in a “table read” style and we had such a hilariously fun time that we are wanting to create a short sketch. It would be in a style reminiscent of an old Shakespearean actor reciting lines, but instead it would be me and my friend portraying you and Joe by fireplace in opulent robes. I did not want to start filming this sketch because out of respect I first wanted both you and Joe’s blessings. So may we have your go ahead to film this? If you have any questions or suggestions about it, feel free to ask.

Thank you and keep up the awesome blog,
Alan”

Joe: OUR GENIUS HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED!
Of course he has my blessing, but only if he sends us the final product.

Steve: Agreed.
And he’s talking about WKJT.
He’s not even talking about the blog we actually update regularly.
He’s talking about the one that we forget about.

Joe: I know
Tell him about Death By Movies.

Steve: Well if he reads WKJT he probably already knows about DBM.
But… wow. Someone who’s never met us reads our blog.

Joe: Dude, can you, in honor of our apparent fan, put a new tag line for WKJT?

Steve: Okay, what’s the line?

Joe: It should read “We’re Huge in Orlando.”

Steve: Done and done.
I think since this fellow is such a fan, he might get a giddy thrill out of us answering him via blog post.
Go for it, Alan.

Joe: Alan, in the words of the immortal Steve “Go for it, Alan.”
Also, I am to be played by a topless hobo and/or Marc Singer lookalike.

Steve: And I am to be portrayed by none other than the late Mitch Hedberg.

Joe: Hey, on a side note, guess what soda made its way to my Easter party yesterday?

Steve: Oh no.
If that bastard Sierra Mist turned up at your party, I hope you shanked him and took his wallet.

Joe: Sierra Mist tried raping the ham I made for Easter. Jesus literally had to come and take the keys to Hell and death from Sierra Mist in order to set things aright.

Steve: Sierra Mist ran into my in-laws’ house Easter morning just so he could kick my son in the balls, ask me where my Messiah is now, and run away cackling like a witch on PCP.

Joe: Sierra Mist votes for the Green party.

Steve: Sierra Mist was one of the scientists who created the chemical base for the film print of Superman 3, starring Richord Pryor.

Joe: Sierra Mist has a van with no windows and parks outside playgrounds.
That’s probably going too far.

Steve: Yeah, it is.
He usually parks inside the playgrounds.
The Eiffel Tower used to have walls. Sierra Mist stole them and built a shelter for homeless cats.
The cats appreciate it, but… come on man. That’s not how to go about things.

Joe: Sierra Mist campaigned for Hitler…in 1978…in New Jersey.

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote the entire third season of Heroes.

Joe: Sierra Mist shot Bambi’s mother.

Steve: Sierra Mist shot Bambi.

Joe: And that’s about it.

Steve: Man. We should have a “We’re huge in Orlando” party.

Joe: Agreed
Maybe we can film something this Saturday to thank our Orlando fans.

Steve: Good idea. It should involve a giant white ball. They love those there, right?

Joe: They also love…the Magic and…not mentioning Nick Anderson.

Steve: Plus old people represent 75% of their economy. We should do a military salute to old people.

Joe: Mmmm…no we shouldn’t, let’s let them keep their/our dignity.

Steve: Our what now?

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Posted in Death By Movies, Gibberish, History's Greatest Villain

Gandalf vs. Darth Vader

Posted on April 5, 2012 | 1 Comment

In reference to Joe's recent post on Death By Movies...

Steve: For the record:
Gandalf.
No contest.
Ok…
SOME contest.
But still Gandalf.

Joe: So.
You’re saying…
We need a point/counterpoint on Darth vs. Gandalf?

Steve: Apparently.
Point: Gandalf can summon the lords of various species of animals to aid him.

Joe: Darth Vader chokes people from twenty feet away.

Steve: Gandalf knocked Sauruman over from another country.
And that was another wizard.

Joe: Darth is the best fighter pilot in the galaxy.

Steve: Gandalf’s homeless sidekick can beat up an entire party of Nazgul.

Joe: Darth Vader has a light saber.

Steve: Gandalf has a staff that glows in the dark, shoots rays at flying dragons and knocks people over without touching them.

Joe: Darth Vader was responsible for wiping out the Jedi.

Steve: Gandalf can get fat midgets to fight dragons and overthrow dark lords.
Fat LAZY midgets.

Joe: Darth Vader was the most feared man/cyborg in the universe.

Steve: Gandalf was the head of a divine order of incarnate angelic beings sent by God to destroy evil.

Joe: Darth Vader also wiped out the Sith Lord.

Steve: Gandalf died and it didn’t take.

Joe: Darth was barely half alive the entire time he ruled the universe.

Steve: Ooh good recovery. Didn’t see that one coming.
Gandalf jumped off the roof of a tower, fought a Balrog on a one-foot-wide bridge, flew towards an erupting volcano, exorcised the King of Rohan, fought several wars despite being older than dirt, faced down the Witch King of Angmar, knocked the Steward of Gondor unconscious in the middle of his own city and pretty much gave every form of evil in Middle-Earth the finger.

Joe: Darth became evil, evil itself.

Steve: Gandalf’s beard changes color.

Joe: Darth killed his own son (or so he thought), killed his own wife (so he thought), helped blow up a planet, murdered his second Jedi master then murdered his Sith master, survived being burnt by volcanic lava and even his own sperm was so awesome it made the man who would change him back to being good.

Steve: So you’re saying Darth was beaten by his own sperm?
Gandalf was the wisest of the Maiar, cited by Círdan the Shipwright as having a higher inner greatness than any of the other Istari, and was entrusted with one of the three Elven rings, despite not being an elf.
He wore that ring… which was supposedly ruled by the One Ring… THE ENTIRE TIME he fought Sauron.

Joe: Darth couldn’t breathe well and still kicked everyone’s ass, even his son who he fought when he must have been in his late 50′s. He could sense ambushes coming from space ships which hadn’t even landed on the Death Star yet. He was maniacal enough to corrupt Billy Dee Williams.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS STEVE!

Steve: Gandalf had more friends that could defy the lord of all evil than Darth Vader had working body parts.

Joe: So, you’re saying Gandalf had an unfair advantage there. I agree.

Steve: If by “unfair advantage,” you mean he used the resources available to him to their fullest potential, yes.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader had an entire Imperial army at his command and insisted on doing everything himself.
But let’s bring theis back to mano-a-mano
Say Darth gets lucky and someohow lands a lightsaber in Gandalf’s belly.
What happens then?
Mofo gets up.
Stronger, and with cleaner clothes.
And gives it another go.
What happens when Darth dies?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Joe: He comes back and his ghost probably trains the next generation of Jedi.

Steve: Yeah and that’s something we’d all like to see. The worst villain in the universe training space cops.
And let’s not forget. 30 years after Darth dies, he inevitably turns back into Hayden Christensen.
That’s just science.

Joe: Okay, that’s Apocrypha and you know it.

Steve: Is it, Joe?
Is it?
Well, if that’s Apocrypha, then Vader doing anything after he dies besides hanging out by a fire and smiling is also Apocrypha.

Joe: DARTH VADER!!!!!!!!

Steve: MITHRANDIR!!!!!

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Posted in Death By Movies, Movies, Talking trash

Damn The Gods

Posted on December 22, 2011 | Comments Off

In reference to Joe’s earlier post at http://www.deathbymovies.com/2011/12/22/sequels/

Steve: Wow. You really have a lot of bitterness about Greek myths.
Were you forced to read the Illiad when you were six or something?

Joe: Am I wrong?
Are there warm and cuddly Greek myths not retold by Disney?

Steve: Um…
That’s like… being right and wrong at the same time
Obviously Greek myths are really dark. Most mythologies are.
But… like… are you okay?

Joe: What?

Steve: You seem personally offended by it.
Like Greek myth raped your mom or something.
Wait… are you a demigod?

Joe: I am Zoul

Steve: The minion of Gozer?

Joe: You’re the minion.

Steve: Your mom’s a minion.
Minion of Jesus.

Steve: Also, I’m going to adjust your extremely venomous post so that terrible trailer is embedded instead of linked.
Did you see the first Clash of the Titans?

Joe: Yes.

Steve: Were you with me?
That movie was BAAAAADDDDDDD.
But the kind of bad that I sometimes like to watch just to make fun of it.

Joe: I saw it at the Grove with friends.
not with me
you

Steve: …
Did you just get me confused with yourself?

Joe: Kinda.

Steve: Dammit. We all knew this day would come. I’d better grow my beard out again.

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Posted in Death By Movies, Movies, Stuff Joe hates, Talking trash

Monster Epics

Posted on December 20, 2011 | Comments Off

This conversation relates to our new project, DeathByMovies.com

Steve: So Joe.
I think we should have a goal.
And that goal should be Godzilla.
We should spend the year building up our tolerances.
And then close out with a two-weekend Godzilla marathon.
There are 22 of those.
We could 11 each weekend.
And then collapse and die.

Joe: I hate you and I totally agree.

Steve: How much do you agree?

Joe: What do you mean?

Steve: Enough that we can announce that as our goal now?

Joe: Yes.

Steve: Alright. We’re both in then.
Damn.
So much Godzilla.

Joe: You know what the worst part of that 2 weekend nightmare will be?

Steve: The American one.
Or do you mean the Monday in between?

Joe: No, the American one.
I have watched a total of 5 minutes of that twice in my life and regretted it ever since.

Steve: Yeah that’s the one where Godzilla doesn’t even breathe fire.
I saw it in the theater.
I was young enough to assume they couldn’t possibly screw up Godzilla.
He’s a giant fire-breathing lizard who can’t be killed.
Only in the movie he not only didn’t breathe fire and was easily killed.
He also turned out to be asexual and laid a bunch of eggs so that they could rip off the Jurassic Park raptor scene with a bunch of baby Godzillas.
In other words, they literally cut the dick off the most famous monster in movie history.
On the flip side, you know what the best part of those two weekends will be?

Joe: ???

Steve: Godzilla vs. King Kong.

Joe: True.

Steve: Greatest thing since Superman vs. Batman

Joe: Did you ever take sides in that fight? I always hated King Kong for even thinking he could get into the ring with Godzilla.
Giant fire breathing dragon with armor plating created from toxic waste vs. giant gorilla.
Didn’t seem like a fair fight on any front.

Steve: Eh.
It’s tricky.
I mean, monkeys beat reptiles every time.
But like you said, Godzilla breathes fire, which is something real reptiles don’t do.
Plus, in the original movies King Kong was 50 feet tall while Godzilla was 400.
So again, Godzilla
But I’ve actually seen that film.
And the explanation was that in the intervening years, Kong had simply continued eating the giant-growth berries that embiggened him in the first place.
So now he was Godzilla-sized.
Plus, apparently electricity makes Kong stronger but hurts Godzilla.
So the lightning storm helped him out.
Kong won in the American release, but my understanding is Godzilla won in the Japanese release.

Joe: Yes, that was the case.
Editor’s Note: No, it wasn’t. Turns out Kong won in both versions.

Steve: I say Kong I guess.
Breathing fire is nice, but nothing beats raw brute strength.

Joe: Except breathing fucking fire.
But whatever.
I was super emotional about it as a kid.

Steve: Gorillas are fucking strong dude
Haha.

Joe: Fire is hot, nuclear fire is crazy hot.

Steve: I loved them both.
Yeah but Kong can take it.
From his perspective, it’d only be a little bit of fire.
It just singed his fur.

Later…

Steve:I also have bad news.
The Godzilla franchise is even bigger than I thought.
29 films total with a 30th in preproduction.
Possibly to be released next December.

Joe: I hate you.
Well, that’s like three Saturdays.

Steve: http://www.deathbymovies.com/
Just posted about it.

Joe: Not sure that’s possible, especially in December.

Steve: I think we’ll be able to do it in two.
30 hours each.
Say we start at 9am Saturday, we’d be done by 3pm Sunday.
Then sleep until it’s time to go to work.
Hopefully we’ll gain the experience we need to pull it off between now and then.

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Posted in Death By Movies, Movies

Tagged , , ,

Death By Movies

Posted on December 15, 2011 | Comments Off

This conversation is the genesis of our new project, DeathByMovies.com

Steve: Dude.
Dude dude dude.
You gotta do this new thing with me.

Joe: Mmm…does it involve lube? ‘Cuz if it does, I’m out.

Steve: No.
Worse.
I just had the greatest idea for a blog ever.
And I’m totally doing it.

Joe: Are we doing a blog a year now?

Steve: And I want you in on it with me.

Joe: What is it?

Steve: Once a month.
We sit down and watch an entire movie franchise from beginning to end in one sitting.
And blog while we do it.
We start with the Fast and the Furious.
We can do Rambo, Die Hard, Rocky, Alien, Predator, Friday the 13th, whatever we want.
But the only rule is we have to watch ALL of them.
No skipping Rocky V.
And we write whatever comes out of us while this is happening.
What do you think?

Joe: I like it, might actually be a good way to kill a saturday while watching our sons and letting our wives rest, sleep, shop, hang out, etc.
I think we should do one a month and agree before hand on which franchises
Obviously Rocky and Fast/Furious are in.
Probably Die Hard as well.

Steve: And Rambo
We can bring in guest bloggers to watch with us too
I did this once with Glen when we watched all ten Star Treks.
That was a one shot deal but it was hilariously painful.

Joe: Well, Star Treks would take two days, maybe three.
We should put things like Rambo and Fast between things nicer to our souls, like Lord of the Rings or something.

Steve: At the time there were ten Star Treks.
It took us from 1:30pm on Saturday to 9:00am on Sunday.
We were totally incoherent by the end.

Joe: Yeah.
I’d be blind and dead.
Also, I think we should end with Star Wars, watching them in the order they were created, not the order Lucas rammed them up our asses.

Steve: Star Wars yeah.
I might feel the opposite about the order though.
That’s one of the few franchises where we could have the better movies at the end.
So you’re on board with this? Because I want to start soon. I’ll probably create the blog today.
We could have a no pausing rule.
That keeps it from taking forever.

Joe: Right.
We will have to create a schedule and present it to wives as “you will have this Saturday off while we do something stupid with our boys.”

Steve: Agreed.
I think Sarah’s already on board.
She had this look on her face that was a mix of excitement and terror while she simultaneously realized the awesomeness of the blog and the horribleness of what we’ll have to do to create it.
The taking the baby element will seal the deal I think.
Yeah, Sarah’s down.
If Liz agrees we’re golden.

Joe: I’ll email Liz.

Steve: The next step is to start making a list of every movie franchise we can think of with more than two films in it.
We’ll probably run out of franchises we like early on.

Joe: True.

Steve: But we can probe history for things like Frankenstein.

Joe: That might be too much.

Steve: And Sergio Leone’s Man With No Name trilogy, which isn’t really a trilogy but is called one.

Joe: There are some very old and some very bad and some very bad old Frankenstein movies.

Steve: Yup
My parents a have a DVD box set
Dude!
I just realized.
If we get started soon enough maybe we can build up a following before Avengers comes out.

Joe: That’s a good one.

Steve: Then we can watch all the Marvel movies at my place and cap it off by going to the theater
It’ll be like a premiere event
And we can do the with Expendables 2
Watch one film from each actor, then Expendables 1, then go to the theater.

Joe: I don’t have time right now, can you create the biggest list you can and I’ll edit/update after I see it and then we decide?

Steve: Yeah no problem
Everyone’s about to leave me alone here anyway.
Later we’ll start inviting other bloggers over to do it with us. Cross promotion.
My sister wants to do our first one with us.
She’ll be in town on the 1st for Johnny’s dedication.
I don’t suppose you have Monday the 2nd off work?

Steve: Okay I shared a Google Doc with you.
I marked in red the ones I really want to do and put asterisks around franchises that have a new installment coming out soon.

Joe: Ok, I will look at it later.

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Posted in Death By Movies, Movies