Category Archives: Stuff Joe hates

The Great Televised Rage Machine …or: Why Can’t Joe Accept The Truth?

Joe: Worst show that lasted more than two seasons.

Steve: Oh jeez.
We’ll never get to the bottom of that list.

Joe: Yeah, okay, worst sitcom then.

Steve: Pssh.
Same response.
The Jeff Foxworthy Show.
The George Lopez Show.
Anything with that sort of title.
Grace Under Fire.

Joe: Oh my God, I always forget that show existed until someone brings it up, then I get headaches.

Steve: Yup.

Joe: Okay, how about this: show that should have lasted three years that got cancelled prematurely.

Steve: Firefly.
Dollhouse.
I can see already this list is going to be Whedon-heavy.

Joe: I have one easy answer “The Dana Carvey Show.”

Steve: I thought that show was on for a long time.

Joe: Nope.
Like 4 episodes tops.

Steve: I never actually saw it.
Chappelle’s Show.
It was 3 seasons, but it should have been a lot more.
Same with The Tick.
The animated one, not the crappy-ass live action one.

Joe: The producers said “do a sitcom as if it were a late night show.”
To which Dana replied, “You don’t really want that.”
To which the producers replied, “Yes we do.”
To which Dana Carvey replied:

To which the producers replied “Yeah, we didn’t want that.”

Steve: Huh
So it was terrible?

Joe: Mmmm…it was a late night show with Dana Carvey completely at the helm.
Can’t let artists do whatever they want. You get really amazing stuff and really shitty stuff with no balance.

Steve: I thought you were saying you liked it.

Joe: I did.

Steve: Oh.
Well then you were wrong.
Because this clip is dog shit.

Joe: It’s one small clip.

Steve: Ah.

Joe: Do you remember the election of 1996, Clinton v. Dole?

Steve: Yeah.
Nothing but great Norm MacDonald sketches.

Joe:

Steve: haha
Okay, that was good.

Joe: Watch the opening clip of this.

Steve: Wow, I can’t even get through that one.
No offense Joe, but I would have canceled this show too.
Maybe not quite so quickly.

Joe: You know what’s weird about that show?

Steve: What?

Joe: Steve Carrell, Steven Colbert, the guy who did Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Louis CK were all on it.
That’s a lot of funny in one show.

Steve: Definitely.
I was a huge fan of Dana Carvey’s movies.
You ever see Clean Slate?

Joe: I think so.

Steve: It was great.
And Trapped in Paradise.
With him, John Lovitz and Nick Cage.
That movie was freaking funny.
Not to mention the Wayne’s World duelolloelogy.

Joe: Skip to 11:20 on that last one.

Steve: Nice.
I think I’ve seen that one before.

Joe: Like I said, extremely hit or miss.
If this came on today, it’d be Comedy Central’s best show, but some jackasses put it in primetime in the mid-90′s. Way too soon.

Jonah Hex and the Destruction of Hollywood Starlets


Steve: Yeah, I think the Jonah Hex movie looks like it might be really cool.
But that whole giving him a superpower thing scares me.
It implies that they think comic book fans won’t come see it if he doesn’t have a superpower.
Which will have the exact opposite effect, because those are the very people who will know they just twisted the whole concept of the character.
<Gasp> Not all comics are superhero comics. It’s just a western comic. So make a western movie.
That’s not so hard.

Joe: Right, I think it’s a grab at the general audience who may not know the comic but who will go see comic book movies.
I think Brolin will be good, the rest won’t.

Steve: Malkovitch will too.
And I don’t mind Megan Fox, but it depends on how they use her.
If they use her the way most movies use her, it’ll be terrible.
But it looks like they might actually be letting her wear clothes part of the time.

Joe: We’ll see.
I think that’s a comic that should be left alone when it comes to movies, but Hollywood never met an idea they didn’t want to destroy and put Megan Fox’s boobs into.
Seriously, can she just turn 40 and pose in Playboy already?

Steve: I disagree. I think Jonah Hex is perfect movie adaptation material, but they’d be better off not advertising it as a comic book movie.

Joe: It’s not that I think Hex is bad movie material, just that I think Hollywood can’t adapt stuff like that without destroying it. Can you imagine LOTR produced/directed/shot in Hollywood, or anywhere near America?

Steve: Yeah, true.
And I agree about Megan Fox.
But whenever there’s a new chick in her place in society, there’s always a part of me that hopes things won’t end that way for her.
Like maybe this time she’ll actually have a decent career, not become an unwed mother, not get divorced six times, not pose in filthier and flithier magazines until she dies of a drug overdose…
There’s always hope.

Joe: I agree with you on hoping actresses don’t get willingly exploited, but there’s not a lot of positive history when it comes to that sort of thing.
The other path is to turn into Sharon Stone, do Basic Instinct 2 and gross out the universe.

Steve: Yeah.
One or two of them could become Sandra Bullocks.
But even she’s getting divorced now.

Joe: Well, she chose to marry a guy who was married to a porn star. You really can’t have any clearer indication of what you’re getting yourself into.
So, that’s all on her in my opinion.

Steve: I didn’t know that detail.

Joe: It’s less tragic to me than it is retarded.

Steve: Impressive.

Joe: Yeah, anyone who is shocked is also shocked that politicians hire slutty interns, bankers manipulate financial systems and premarital sex leads to unwanted consequences.
What!?  Sleeping with my boyfriend lead to herpaids!?  Oh my!

Steve: Seriously.

Battle of the Decades: Why all of them sucked.



Joe: Another really inspirational 80′s song is that all rock singers African aid Christmas song.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Joe: Do They Know It’s Christmas Time.
That was great.

Steve: And We Are the World.

Joe: What the hell was it about the 80′s?
Was everyone just happy the 70′s were over?

Steve: Yeah, plus everyone was really complacent and materialistic.
So it took music like that to get any reaction at all.

Joe: Right.
It’s like on New Year’s Eve in 1979, the universe was ready for Ronald Reagan, GI Joe, and three Rocky movies.

Steve: Four Rocky movies.
Oh wait, one was already out.
Yeah, three.

Joe: Rocky 2-5.
2-4 sorry.

Steve: Yeah, if you say Rocky V again, I’ma bust you up.

Joe: Yeah, three.
Here’s my new titles for Rocky films.
Rocky
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV – Rocky Defeats Communism
20 years pass
Rocky Balboa

Steve: Exactly.

Joe: I mean, what the hell happened there?

Steve: Stallone had a dark period.
He got a little confused and lost his way for a while.

Joe: The 90′s were not good to Stallone.

Steve: We should all just be glad he found his way back in time to finish out Rocky and Rambo in style and give us the amazing gift of The Expendables.

Joe: True.
I think the 90′s were so depressing a decade – a come down from the 80′s – that most 80′s heroes had no clue what to do.
Can you imagine trying to get an A-team movie green lit, let alone made, in the 90′s?
I mean, I loved the 90′s, but it was freaking depressing across the board.

Steve: Yeah, they were all trying to be “gritty” and “modern.”
Comic books are the litmus test for things like that.
That’s when Hal Jordan turned evil, killed the entire Green Lantern Corps, and was replaced by some douchebag nobody liked.
Aquaman got his hand eaten off by pirhanas, grew a beard and turned into a dick with a harpoon arm.
Batman got his back broken and was replaced by a murderer.
Spider-Man had a daughter who was kidnapped and then died.
Also Aunt May died (the first time).
Even Superman died and came back with long hair.
In short, everything was fucked up.

Joe: Yeah, I feel like the 70′s screwed everything up.
The 80′s became super selfish and self absorbed because of how ridiculous the 70′s were, and then then 90′s were depressing and gritty because selfishness is empty and hollow.
If there was a decade worth erasing from history, it would be the 70′s, but only so long as we could keep the music from that decade.

Steve: I think the 90′s also suffered from the formula mindset of entertainment in the 80′s.
That was when they discovered the summer blockbuster and basically started thinking they could pump out multimillion dollar “entertainment” by just following a few simple guidelines and the idiot masses would come in droves.
Then in the 90′s all the great 80′s ideas were used up, but they still kept trying to crank them out.
So everything basically sucked and that was depressing.

Joe: Yeah, there were some gems though.
Oh wait, Batman was made in 1989 wasn’t it?

Steve: Yep.

Joe: Okay, there were some good ones in there.
Tombstone (although there was totally a depressing undertone).
The Matrix ended the 90′s on a high note.

Steve: Yeah, all of 1999 was amazing, as we’ve previously discussed.
I think that’s when Hollywood started trying to get its feet back under it.

Joe: Right.
I think there was an Indiana Jones movie in the 90′s right?
The third one?

Steve: Nope, that was 1989.

Joe: Darn it.
All my favorite movies from the 90′s were made in the 80′s.
Jurassic Park was okay.
Although Speilberg’s masterpiece, Schindler’s List, was a brutally depressing film.
Plus, fucking Titanic came from the 90′s.

Steve: Wait a minute.
What movies came out in 2009?

Joe: http://www.themovieinsider.com/movie-releases/-/2009/

Steve: Okay, not much.
But 2008 was amazing.

Joe: Right.

Steve: As was 1999.
and 1989.

Joe: Maybe it’s every 9 years.

Steve: So is it like roughly every 9-10 years?

Joe: So, movies will be awesome in either 2018 or 2019.
But until then, we’ll get like three good ones a year.

Steve: Shoot.

The most evil man of our generation? Where do you stand?

Joe: Can Christianity disown Mel Gibson?

Steve: I don’t want to disown Mel Gibson.
The Passion of the Christ and Signs alone should lock him in forever.
So he went on a racist tirade. That sucks, but look who his dad is.

Joe: I’m willing to forgive the Jewish thing, but not divorcing his wife.

Steve: That seems a little backwards to me.

Joe: That piece of shit Catholic makes his own church to be more traditional and then divorces his wife?
My point is, there are two major strikes against him, and one involves his particularly strong religious beliefs.

Steve: Him divorcing his wife is his business.
I hate divorce too, but this is the real world. People do it.
To me, it’s more about what he’s overcome.

Joe: I agree with you mostly, but not for a dude who’s more Catholic than the Pope.

Steve: Which is a lot if you consider his background.

Joe: Not for a dude who introduces the single most influentual film about Jesus, possibly ever.

Steve: I mean for a dude who’s THAT Catholic to even have anywhere near the level of revelation required to make the Passion is amazing.
He had a super racist dad and was raised in a church system that’s 99% spiritually dead.
Then he got super famous and became a well-known druggie/party animal.
Then he got saved and made the Passion.
Of course he’s got issues. He’s still cool in my book.

Joe: mmm… My frustration with anyone who wants to make their mark with their faith is that there has to be consistency. You and I are going to sin, as is any celebrity.
So I don’t have a poor expectation.
Where I have a problem is when sin is not followed by repentance.
Divorce is wrong, especially when you’re so Catholic you think the Pope isn’t Catholic enough.
You don’t get to be a publicly proud Christian who does not hold to his beliefs.
We can’t disown every Christian who makes a public mistake, but I can hold them to some level of consistency in their lives.

Steve: Well, I’m not here to defend the man’s sins, but I think disowning him as a body is exactly the wrong thing to do.
There’s never going to be a celebrity Christian that doesn’t sin.
The world needs to know that’s not what our religion is based on.

Joe: My point isn’t about sin.
It’s about repentance.

Steve: But he did repent. He had one of the most sincere repentances ever by a celebrity douchebag

Joe: For his divorce?

Steve: For his anti-semitic outburst. He doesn’t owe us a repentance for his divorce. That’s between him and his wife.
It’s got nothing to do with the public.

Joe: I disagree. If you get divorced, you don’t owe me an apology.
But a public Christian doesn’t get to sin in private and enjoy public praise.
Mel was a public Christian and made a very public film and presented his faith in a public way.
Then he gets divorced and doesn’t want to discuss it.
That’s just poor form.
Don’t bring out the faith card if you don’t want to be held to the standards.

Steve: I have so many problems with that view I don’t even know where to start.
But I think the primary thing is that I’m glad he’s actually been able to keep his life as private as he has.
If more celebrities succeeded where he has, the world would be a better place.
I don’t care why a stranger got divorced, Christian or not.
It sucks that he did, but for all we know it was really necessary for reasons that would be totally inappropriate to make public.
In fact, I can’t think of a reason for divorce that would be appropriate to make public.

Joe: My point isn’t that I’m prying, people who pry blow.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying the public.
I’m criticizing anyone who wants to be in the public eye on their own terms, especially once they introduce the Christian card.

Steve: Well, a man’s family is his own business, no matter who he is.
And I think you’re misrepresenting his intentions.
It’s not like he was nobody and then walked into the room yelling “I’m so great! I’m gonna be the Christian guy from now on! Everybody watch what I do!”
Dude was already one of the most famous people on the planet, and then he got radically saved.
And then God basically ordered him to make a film that only he could make.
All he did was make a movie.
And give one or two interviews for pretty much the only time in his life.
The fact that said movie was like the hugest deal ever was much more God’s doing than Gibson’s.

Joe: I have a quick question?

Steve: K.

Joe: How do you type with Mel Gibson’s dick in your mouth?

Steve: Dude, you’re lame.
Bottom line is this: Nobody in the world cares that he got divorced. Only extreme right-wingers like you care about that. That’s why nobody’s nailed him down on it in the media and THAT’S why he hasn’t discussed it.
In the end, what people will remember 100 years from now is the movie.
If he was being swarmed with reporters demanding an explanation for his divorce, he might be inclined to give one.
But he’s not. Nobody cares.

Joe: Listen, I don’t care that Tiger banged a thousand chicks, that’s his deal.
I don’t care that any professional athlete or celebrity has affairs, gets STD’s or does drugs or whatever.
I really care about professed believers not counting the cost when they make their faith public.
We look bad enough with Pat Robertson and other televangelists (and by look bad, I mean I can’t bring up Jesus’ name without people thinking about them).
To have Mel A. making anti-Semitic statements, and B. being a horrible Catholic in spite of his whole Catholic thing is embarrassing.
It’s not that I expect believers to be perfect.
I want them to be consistent, and he just isn’t, and it’s a really crappy inconsistency.

Steve: Maybe so, but what I think you’re not taking into account is that Mel Gibson getting divorced doesn’t make us look bad to anyone who’s not already a Christian.
Most non-believers don’t care about divorce.

Joe: That’s not true.
They care when it matters

Steve: Not as nearly as much. That’s why the tirade was a huge media bonanza and the divorce was a footnote.

Joe: I really think you’re wrong on this one.

Steve: I really think you’re wrong.
You’re being very judgmental about a situation you know nothing about.

Joe: I think you’re defending a situation you know very little about.

Steve: All I’m saying is it’s not our business.
And we can’t “disown” a guy for something that’s none of our business.

Joe: My point is, when you choose public life, especially with your faith, your private life doesn’t get to be out of bounds on your own choosing.

Steve: In fact, I rather prefer that there is a fallable Christian in the media.
I’d rather him than Pat Robertson any day.
Because Robertson acts like he’s infallible.
Gibson just lives his life.

Joe: I’m not criticizing his sin, Steve. I’m criticizing the fact that he’s not as open as I think he should be
If your sins aren’t as public as your accomplishments, there’s a problem.

Steve: I disagree. There’s nothing Biblical about forcing a man to strip naked in front of the world.

Joe: uh…Jesus?

Steve: In front of his covenant relationships, yes, but not in front of the camera.
Mel Gibson isn’t some preacher who took a bunch of people’s money and then slept with all his parishioners. That would require an apology to everyone he ever preached to.
He’s a filmmaker who happens to be a Christian and doesn’t like being in the spotlight, with or without his faith.
He’s always been known for that, even before the whole Passion deal.
I don’t require him to change that.

Joe: I only require believers to be consistent.

Steve: Right.
Well, we all should be.
And we’re all not.
And he isn’t either.
Big whoop.

Joe: For a public believer it’s more than a big whoop to me

Steve: So you’ve said.
But honestly, what’s he supposed to do? Hold a press conference and say he’s very sorry, but he’s got to divorce his wife because
… fill in the blank?
That’s bullshit.

Joe: Yes.
Bible says “dont’ desire to be a teacher.”
If you want the praise, you don’t get to trade the mocking.

Steve: When did he desire to be a teacher?
You’re assigning all these roles to him that he doesn’t fit.
He’s just a guy who makes movies.

Joe: Dude.
Are you seriously shrugging that off?

Steve: YES.
You’re making no sense.

Joe: I’m fairly certain “teacher” should be taken for a position of influence, and any person of influence should be aware that they will receive a double judgment.
Film maker, teacher, politician, etc.

Steve: I agree, but you’re skipping over the “desire” part.
Mel Gibson has done nothing his entire life but shun the spotlight.
He is the living epitome of the artist who’s famous against his will.

Joe: He did Lethal Weapon 4.
He Did What Women Want.
He’s a super popular actor who’s a lady’s man.
Let’s not deify him.

Steve: I’m not deifying him. You are. You’re saying that when he reached a certain level of recognition for his gifts, he should have either quit working or thrown his life open for all to see.
No sale.
I’m really not defending his sins.
Divorce sucks.
And I’d bet money his reasons for doing it were not justifiable.
But it’s still nobody’s business but the people involved.

Joe: Because he’s chosen a public life, I disagree.
But I guess that’s where we stand.

Steve: I guess so.

Joe: Last word.

Steve: GOFUCKYOURSELF!

Joe: Nope, I already got the last word.
See, it’s up there.
Last word again.
Final word.
Last word in.
I win.

Steve: Mel Gibson is standing behind you with a knife.

Joe: I wouldn’t be surprised, he’s kinda nuts.

Steve: Why are you so interested in Mel Gibson’s nuts?
Now the truth comes out.

Joe: You’re right.

Steve: You don’t want him to just expose himself to the public, you want him to EXPOSE himself.

Joe: I wanna be nuts to butts with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

Steve: They call that a Lethal Weapon Special.

DON’T! DRUG! MY! F@#KING! MILK! MOTHERF@#KERS!!

The-A-Team-tv-09a-team_1983_group_promo_photo_001hr_The_A-Team_3

Joe: What actor is playing Murdoch? Don’t recognize him. Oh yeah, and I will fucking kill someone if Mr. T doesn’t play B.A.

Steve: Sorry.
They got some UFC fighter.
Because for some reason Hollywood thinks anyone gives a shit about the UFC.

Joe: Dude, what the fuck?

Steve: Seriously.

Joe: First off, Murdoch is still alive. Second off, there are a thousand funny actorrs who can play Murdoch.

Joe: Third off, without Mr. T in the film I will literally bomb the studio.
I mean that.

Steve: Let me explain something: The A-Team was not cool because it was a bunch of ex-military guys clearing their names.
It was cool because it had MR. FUCKING T!

Joe: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Dude, it’s bad enough there’s no more George Peppard, but that being said, Face Man and Murdoch are still alive.
Make the film with the original cast and cast an actor as either George Peppard’s son or brother or cousin.
But don’t fuck with the A Team!!!!!!!!!!
They’ve already raped GI Joe and if they rape the A-Team, I’ll fucking kill a studio exec.

Steve: Yeah.
I want to believe in the A-Team, but they’re making it real hard.

Joe: I don’t want to believe. If they are going to remake a beloved 80′s product, fuck them. We don’t need Hollywood. I hate Hollywood. How do you not make Mr. T the Mr. T character? Everyone fucking loves him! If Mr. T had been in Star Wars, those movies wouldn’t have sucked!

Steve: That is true.

Steve: But from the beginning I’ve believed this movie COULD be okay if the originals make a cameo somewhere.
If Mr. T signs off on this weird guy Jed seems to have heard of, then maybe I’ll give him a shot. If not, then they’d better run because I AIN’T GETTIN’ ON NO PLANE!

Joe: I just hate this so much. I’ve been waiting for an A-Team movie for twenty years and for someone else to play B.A. is just unimaginable.

Girls and their shoes.

shoes

Steve: Girls have too many shoes.
I built Sarah a shoe rack for her birthday and just got done sticking all her shoes in it while she’s at work.
She has as many shoes now as I’ve ever owned in my life.
And that’s not even a lot for a girl.

Joe: Don’t get me started.
Every time I hear “these shoes hurt my feet” I think:
What the hell are you doing buying shoes that hurt your feet?
Really?
Seriously?

Steve: I know.

Joe: Do I buy underwear that squeezes my balls?
No.
So what the fuck?

Steve: Exactly.
Sarah never says that.
I hear that from my mom all the time though.
Sarah’s not about shoes the way some girls are.
But she’s still got 23 pairs here plus whatever she’s got on and what’s in her car.

Joe: Yeah, Liz is up there.

Steve: She asked for a shoe rack and I decided to build her one as a surprise.
So I went to her closet and counted.
I stopped after 20 and just figured if she has more than 25 pairs of shoes she’ll have to keep the rest somewhere else.

Joe: Ha.

Steve: I just got even more amazed when I put them all in so she can find it when she gets home.
I had to pull out two shelves to make room for the snow boots.
Then with all the shoes in, that left one empty space.
And I know she’s wearing some and has at least one or two other pairs in her car at all times.
The act of putting each pair in its own little slot just drove home to me how freaking ridiculous the whole thing is.

Joe: Agreed.

Steve: I think it’s safe to assume I got one pair of sneakers about every year until I was 17.
Then I stopped growing, so it became like one pair every two or three years.
So that’s like 22-23 pairs.
Plus three pairs of dress shoes, one of which I’ve had since high school.
And a pair of Doc Martins I’ve also had since high school and a pair of hiking boots I got recently.
So 26-27 pairs of shoes.
So she really does have about as many pairs of shoes as I’ve ever owned.
Within like 2-3 pairs.

Joe: Wow.

Steve: Plus I don’t wear sandals or flip-flops.
I want to either have shoes on or not.
People who wear sandals are just half-assing it and they can rot in hell.

Worst/most disappointing movies of the 2000′s

Joe: You know what is a tie for my favorite/least favorite cinema experience the both of us shared?

Steve: What?

Joe: After you and I left Serenity and the turbo nerd girl started talking to us about the film.
Perfect sci-fi fan, which is both good and bad.

Steve: Oh yeah.
And telling us how it followed up on all of her questions from the series.
Because she had come to the movie alone and we were the only people she had to talk to.

Joe: You know what would have been funny?
If then she said “it answered all of my questions” and pulled out a notebook containing all of her questions.

Steve: I’m not sure she didn’t. I tried not to look at her.

Joe: Oh, and I think that sci-fi girls are beautiful, in the way that athletes foot is beautiful.

Steve: Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about!

Joe: You know what would be a terrible conversation?

Steve: What?

Joe: A conversation about the worst sitcom of the 2000′s.
It’s a conversation I can’t invest any time into.

Steve: Shut the holy fuck up right funking now.

Joe: Right funking now!

Steve: Funk!

Joe: We could have a “worst movie of the 2000′s” but that really comes down to what we’ve each wasted our time seeing.
Plus, I made the huge mistake of seeing “Ecks vs. Sever” which takes the cake unfortunately and makes me ashamed of myself.

Steve: Yeah, here’s the thing.
I think there may not be an upper limit to how good a movie can get.
But there is definitely a lower limit.
I mean there’s a certain point at which a movie just can’t do any more to offend you, waste your time, or piss you off.
So a lot of the movies we’ve seen would be tied.

Joe: There are movies that test that limit though.
You know what’s great about Ecks vs. Sever?
They let a guy who called himself “Kaos” direct it.

Steve: What?
Kaos?

Joe: Yeah
He’s Indonesian, and if you mispronounce his name, it sorta sounds like Kaos
So, you know, that’s amazing.
I’m going to call myself Explosion and try to direct Blowed Up 2: Return Of Da Bomb.

Steve: No, don’t call yourself Explosion.
Go with ‘Spolsion.

Joe: Yeah, that’s it.
Although, a truly compelling film discussion would be “what 2000′s movie missed the mark by the most.”
Which would be a conversation based upon missed expectations.

Steve: Pearl Harbor

Joe: Because, if GI Joe the movie is bad, it’s not shocking.

Steve: Right

Joe: I don’t know.
I’d make a case for the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

Steve: Oh yes.
Definitely that one.
Because one and two were brilliant and then they just shit on our plates.

Joe: I might also make the case for Wolverine, although only stupid people expected much from that one.
Or, people who don’t understand the difference between hope and expectations.

Steve: Yeah, Wolverine wasn’t shocking.

Joe: Right
We all “hoped” Wolverine wouldn’t suck but only dumb people “expected” it to be good.

Steve: Exactly.

Steve: Let’s see what else…

Joe: Did the Matrix sequels come out in the 2000′s?

Steve: The Matrix sequels

Joe: Cuz, that’s right at the top.

Steve: Yeah, the first one was 1999, so both of the sequels make the list.
Wait no.
Only the second one.

Joe: Oh, well, we already knew we were fucked by that point.

Steve: Exactly.

Joe: I might actually make the case that the second two Matrix movies were our generation’s equivalent of JFK being shot in the head.

Steve: I don’t think you need to make that case.
Wait, you do need to make that case.
Because our generation also witnessed the Star Wars prequels.

Joe: Ouch
However, neither of us were born when the first Star Wars came out.

Steve: Doesn’t matter.
In fact, that makes it worse.
Because we were raised with them.

Joe: True

Steve: That bumps the Matrix sequels down to Ted Kennedy killing a chick in a car accident.

Joe: Nah, the Matrix sequels would be killing Martin Luther King or Robert Kennedy.

Steve: Robert Kennedy, yes.
Not King.
I actually view killing MLK as being equal to or worse than killing JFK.
Okay, everybody fight now

Joe: Ha.
But the Matrix brought our generation a defining film on a million levels
And, it actually brought people closer to God.
Then the second two didn’t.
Either way, George Lucas and the Wachowski Brothers raped our souls.
Which the Wachowski Brothers are proud of and George Lucas doesn’t care about because he masturbates with 100 dollar bills.

Steve: Yeah.
So screw those three guys.
Here’s what gets me about Star Wars.
It wasn’t just that they were bad Star Wars movies. Like not worthy of the franchise or something.
They were so freaking bad that even if they had been released as totally separate movies independent of any existing franchise, they still would have been so terrible that the third would never have been greenlit.
Probably not even the second.
Because the first wouldn’t have made enough money.

Joe: Very true.

Steve: They were so terrible they weren’t even up to the level of throwaway, one-shot sci-fi movies.

Joe: Call it “Planet Battles” and no one even shows up.
And the third one is barely a C as a film, only because Darth Vader and James Earl Jones were in it.
And even then they could only get it to a C

Steve: No, some people would show opening weekend because sci-fi fans love giving new stuff a shot.
But the reviews would have hit the net right away and nobody else would have come.

Joe: True

Steve: Part of me is still waiting to discover that the real George Lucas is tied up in a mine shaft somewhere along with the real Michael Jackson.

Joe: Yeah
But, they’re not.
Lucas really isn’t that creative, he just got super lucky. And if he was that creative, he only had three films in him.
I mean, after he raped Star Wars he raped Indiana Jones.

Steve: Let’s stop now.
I’m getting sad.

Kanye West vs. Cobra Commander, Dr. Doom and Osama bin Laden. Plus, JOE’S BACK IN L.A.!

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Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.

Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.

Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.

Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.

Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”

Joe: Could go either way

Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.

Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.

Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.

Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.

Steve: Yeah, good point.

Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.

Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.

Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.

Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.

Steve: Yeah, true.

Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I

Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.

Joe: Seriously

Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”

Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw

Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.

Later…

Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.

Dammit, Sierra Mist!! Bring back Earl!

Steve: When you move back we should have a work party.
I can use a laptop when I need to.
Or you can come over here.
We can throw Cheetos at each other while we press buttons that arrange electrons in a way that someone will pay us for.

Joe: Yes!!!!!!!!

Steve: My mountains of soda are dwindling.
I’m down to just Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew now.

Joe: Make them fight it out.
My money’s on Mountain Dew, although Sierra Mist is probably sneaky.

Steve: Soon it will be just Sierra Mist.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist went on a sex tour of Asia.

Steve: I have the Moutain Dew bottle sitting next to me.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist hates African-Americans so much he donates money to the KKK.

Steve: That bastard.
I swear, I hate Sierra Mist

Joe: Sierra Mist has unprotected sex with strangers in men’s bathrooms and then goes home to his wife.

Steve: Sierra Mist is responsible for colon cancer.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist picks up hitchhikers and forces them to undress while he sings “Nobody Does it Better” by Carly Simon.

Steve: Sierra Mist once tied up Al Gore and beat him with a snow shoe until he admitted that global warming was a myth.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist directed Van Helsing

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote Pirates of the Carribean 3.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist makes anonymous donations to the Green Party.

Steve: Sierra Mist is holding back RC Cola by making shady deals with the soda conglomerate.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist puts razor blades in Halloween candy. He also pees on the razor blades.
Also, the candy is made of pee.

Steve: Sierra Mist went back in time to warn Hitler about the suitcase bomb.

Joe: Sierra Mist voted for Ralph Nader in the past four presidential elections.

Steve: Sierra Mist taught Uwe Bol everything he knows.

Joe: Sierra Mist sells rotten milk at convenience stores.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the real-life inspiration for Cobra Commander.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented black jelly beans.

Steve: Sierra Mist convinced NBC to cancel My Name is Earl.

Joe: Okay, why haven’t we had a “My Name is Earl got cancelled and America is stupid” conversation?

Steve: America isn’t stupid.
Just NBC.
If America had had any indication that Earl was on the block, they would have raised hell.
The problem was it was canceled without warning.
In the middle of a two-part episode.

Joe:Yeah, it’s ridiciulous.
I hate that it was cancelled.

Steve: Yeah it ‘s definitely the kind of thing only Sierra Mist would do.

Joe: What on earth will replace it? Every show they tried as the fourth show with The Office, 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl sucked crab dick.

Steve: I no longer care.
I don’t watch The Office or 30 Rock and as the creator of Earl pointed out, it’s not really that upsetting to be kicked off a sinking ship.
NBC’s going down and I don’t give a rip.

Joe: I watch The Office and 30 Rock and I tried to watch the horror that were the other pilots, but it seriously wounded me.
Screw NBC.

Steve: Yeah.
NBC hasn’t produced ten consecutive minutes of watchable Saturday Night Live material in almost fifteen years.
They deserve to die.
They have the most popular sketch comedy show in history and they can’t make it good.

Joe: Which is amazing considering there are countless people dying to get into that show.

Steve: Yeah, well it’s still a good way to get a movie role.
At least once.

Joe: How can you have so little writing and acting talent when anyone from anywhere who has ever made someone laugh would do it in a heartbeat?

Steve: Maybe that’s the problem.
They’re taking anyone from anywhere.

Joe: Yeah, it’s just sad.

Steve: Oh well.

Joe: Sierra Mist ruined Saturday Night Live.

Steve: Sure did, Joe.
It sure did.

Movies that suck.

Steve: I don’t know what’s weirder: The fact that I’m married or the fact that at this time last year I wasn’t.

Joe: Yeah, I know how you feel. And within months, you can’t remember being single all that well – except when you have to fart.
Then you remember the freedom

Steve: I remember it every now and then.
This odd feeling of confidence reasserts itself for a few moments.

Joe: Ha.
What are the odds that Transformers 2 is a B.

Steve: 0%
See my comment on Finklestein’s blog about Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay. They both just make movies for the trailers.

Joe: I agree.
But… Transformers.

Steve: The TRAILER for Transformers 2 kicks ass.
But the trailer for Transformers 1 kicked ass.

Joe: Right

Steve: So did the trailer for Pearl Harbor.
And Armageddon.

Joe: Don’t even mention that.
I almost joined the group that went to see Pearl Harbor.
I’m one of the few men who has seen neither Pearl Harbor nor Titanic.
Maybe on my deathbed I’ll watch both. Or better yet, if I get cancer.

Steve: Titanic you may find worth watching.
Pearl Harbor will make you slit your wrists.
The biggest problem with Titanic was overhype.

Joe: I’m just proud I missed those two.

Steve: Yeah.
I almost got away without seeing Pearl Harbor, but somehow I ended up in the theater.
It’s one of the few movies that I don’t even remember who I saw it with or where.
I just remember the pain.

Joe: Dude, that bomb scene in the trailer made it look sweet.
Plus, I think it came out the summer after Thin Red Line and Saving Private Ryan, so it looked like one of those.

Steve: Don’t put those two in the same camp.
Thin Red Line is excruciating.

Joe: See, you’re a fucking retard.
That movie is amazing.

Steve: Not at all sir.
It took me two attempts to even get through it.
Remember our experience with the Aviator?
It was like that.

Joe: Aviator?
I don’t think I saw that one?
Is that the one with Angelina Jolie?
Oh wait.
Oh wait.

Steve: We bought it on PPV

Joe: That horrible film we bought on PPV.
Yeah.

Steve: It took us three months to finish it.

Joe: Jonnie fell asleep in about eight seconds.

Steve: Same with The Thin Red Line.

Joe: I don’t put those two films anywhere near each other.

Steve: That movie would be okay as a series of posters or nature photographs.
As a movie it was dog shit.

Joe: You’re wrong, but you’re probably right about Transformers.
You know what hurts my soul though?
What really makes me angry at Hollywood in a way that is slightly disturbing?

Steve: What?

Joe: The G.I. Joe movie.

Steve: I thought it might be cool.
Kind of looks like a kids movie.
But I know as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.

Joe: They aren’t making a kids movie, they’re making it like Transformers and it’s going to hurt.
I was a huuuuuuuuge G.I. Joe fan, and I’m angry.
They can’t leave anything alone.

Steve: Actually, no I don’t. I don’t know as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.
But flying ninjas…

Joe: Dude, the potential for Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow is awesome, but only if anyone outside of Hollywood crapmeisters did it.

Steve: Are those guys the ninjas?

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Which one’s evil?

Joe: Storm Shadow.

Steve: There.
I now know exactly as much about G.I. Joe as I do about quantum physics.

Joe: It’s being directed by the guy who directed Van Helsing.

Steve: That’s…
not a plus.
That’s the opposite of a plus.

Joe: Could be worse.
It could be the guy who directed Van Helsing.
Ooooooooooooooooh shit.

Steve: Well… It could be from the guy who directed…

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: um…

Joe: One of the guys from Third Rock is Cobra Commander.

Steve: Hold on, give me a second…

Joe: Oh wait, now I feel better, Marlon Wayans is in it.

Steve: Van Helsing?

Joe: A Wayans is in the G.I. Joe movie.
A fucking Wayans.

Steve: Those guys are like cockroaches, man.

Joe: The star of Little Man, White Chicks.
Marlon Wayans.

Steve: Just when you think you’ve finally seen the last of them they come back stronger and in greater numbers.
There’s got to be fifty thousand of them on the earth at this point.

Joe: True.

Five minutes later

Steve: I’m really tempted to watch Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey on Hulu right now.