Joe: You know what is a tie for my favorite/least favorite cinema experience the both of us shared?
Steve: What?
Joe: After you and I left Serenity and the turbo nerd girl started talking to us about the film.
Perfect sci-fi fan, which is both good and bad.
Steve: Oh yeah.
And telling us how it followed up on all of her questions from the series.
Because she had come to the movie alone and we were the only people she had to talk to.
Joe: You know what would have been funny?
If then she said “it answered all of my questions” and pulled out a notebook containing all of her questions.
Steve: I’m not sure she didn’t. I tried not to look at her.
Joe: Oh, and I think that sci-fi girls are beautiful, in the way that athletes foot is beautiful.
Steve: Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about!
Joe: You know what would be a terrible conversation?
Steve: What?
Joe: A conversation about the worst sitcom of the 2000′s.
It’s a conversation I can’t invest any time into.
Steve: Shut the holy fuck up right funking now.
Joe: Right funking now!
Steve: Funk!
Joe: We could have a “worst movie of the 2000′s” but that really comes down to what we’ve each wasted our time seeing.
Plus, I made the huge mistake of seeing “Ecks vs. Sever” which takes the cake unfortunately and makes me ashamed of myself.
Steve: Yeah, here’s the thing.
I think there may not be an upper limit to how good a movie can get.
But there is definitely a lower limit.
I mean there’s a certain point at which a movie just can’t do any more to offend you, waste your time, or piss you off.
So a lot of the movies we’ve seen would be tied.
Joe: There are movies that test that limit though.
You know what’s great about Ecks vs. Sever?
They let a guy who called himself “Kaos” direct it.
Steve: What?
Kaos?
Joe: Yeah
He’s Indonesian, and if you mispronounce his name, it sorta sounds like Kaos
So, you know, that’s amazing.
I’m going to call myself Explosion and try to direct Blowed Up 2: Return Of Da Bomb.
Steve: No, don’t call yourself Explosion.
Go with ‘Spolsion.
Joe: Yeah, that’s it.
Although, a truly compelling film discussion would be “what 2000′s movie missed the mark by the most.”
Which would be a conversation based upon missed expectations.
Steve: Pearl Harbor
Joe: Because, if GI Joe the movie is bad, it’s not shocking.
Steve: Right
Joe: I don’t know.
I’d make a case for the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Steve: Oh yes.
Definitely that one.
Because one and two were brilliant and then they just shit on our plates.
Joe: I might also make the case for Wolverine, although only stupid people expected much from that one.
Or, people who don’t understand the difference between hope and expectations.
Steve: Yeah, Wolverine wasn’t shocking.
Joe: Right
We all “hoped” Wolverine wouldn’t suck but only dumb people “expected” it to be good.
Steve: Exactly.
Steve: Let’s see what else…
Joe: Did the Matrix sequels come out in the 2000′s?
Steve: The Matrix sequels
Joe: Cuz, that’s right at the top.
Steve: Yeah, the first one was 1999, so both of the sequels make the list.
Wait no.
Only the second one.
Joe: Oh, well, we already knew we were fucked by that point.
Steve: Exactly.
Joe: I might actually make the case that the second two Matrix movies were our generation’s equivalent of JFK being shot in the head.
Steve: I don’t think you need to make that case.
Wait, you do need to make that case.
Because our generation also witnessed the Star Wars prequels.
Joe: Ouch
However, neither of us were born when the first Star Wars came out.
Steve: Doesn’t matter.
In fact, that makes it worse.
Because we were raised with them.
Joe: True
Steve: That bumps the Matrix sequels down to Ted Kennedy killing a chick in a car accident.
Joe: Nah, the Matrix sequels would be killing Martin Luther King or Robert Kennedy.
Steve: Robert Kennedy, yes.
Not King.
I actually view killing MLK as being equal to or worse than killing JFK.
Okay, everybody fight now
Joe: Ha.
But the Matrix brought our generation a defining film on a million levels
And, it actually brought people closer to God.
Then the second two didn’t.
Either way, George Lucas and the Wachowski Brothers raped our souls.
Which the Wachowski Brothers are proud of and George Lucas doesn’t care about because he masturbates with 100 dollar bills.
Steve: Yeah.
So screw those three guys.
Here’s what gets me about Star Wars.
It wasn’t just that they were bad Star Wars movies. Like not worthy of the franchise or something.
They were so freaking bad that even if they had been released as totally separate movies independent of any existing franchise, they still would have been so terrible that the third would never have been greenlit.
Probably not even the second.
Because the first wouldn’t have made enough money.
Joe: Very true.
Steve: They were so terrible they weren’t even up to the level of throwaway, one-shot sci-fi movies.
Joe: Call it “Planet Battles” and no one even shows up.
And the third one is barely a C as a film, only because Darth Vader and James Earl Jones were in it.
And even then they could only get it to a C
Steve: No, some people would show opening weekend because sci-fi fans love giving new stuff a shot.
But the reviews would have hit the net right away and nobody else would have come.
Joe: True
Steve: Part of me is still waiting to discover that the real George Lucas is tied up in a mine shaft somewhere along with the real Michael Jackson.
Joe: Yeah
But, they’re not.
Lucas really isn’t that creative, he just got super lucky. And if he was that creative, he only had three films in him.
I mean, after he raped Star Wars he raped Indiana Jones.
Steve: Let’s stop now.
I’m getting sad.
