Category Archives: T.V.

Sleepless Babies, Auto Burglary and Black Friday

Posted on November 25, 2011 | Leave a comment

Joe: Joey farted all night long.

Steve: Johnny grunted all night long.

Joe: Joey too.
Must be all the heavy foods the mamas ate.
Joel said the same thing.

Steve: And someone broke into our car.

Joe:DUDE

Steve: All the cars on the street

Joe: Wow.
Really?
In Walnut Creek?
What did they steal?

Steve: From us, it looks like just the car charger for our phones and the miniphono cable we use to plug into the radio.

Joe: Well, could be worse.
Although, that’s a smart thief there.

Steve: They went through the glovebox and console compartment too and just threw stuff around.
Yeah and he only hit the cars that were unlocked.
Which was most of them around here.

Joe: Bastards.

Steve: Odin was very embarrassed.

Joe: Ha.

Steve: After spending all afternoon and evening trying to kill our family, he let’s the cars thieves walk right up.
Sarah’s cousin Eric is going to have nightmares about Odin. But somewhere some teenager’s charging his phone with my thing.

Joe: That totally sucks man.
I’m sorry

Steve: No big deal. $30 loss.

Joe: what’s the difference between an hdtv and an lcd tv?

Steve: HD just means it’s high definition.
LCD is liquid crystal display.

Joe: which picture is better?

Steve: LCD is a type of HDTV.
It’s not an either or.

Joe: Ah.

Steve: LCD would be as opposed to LED or Plasma.
But they’re all HD.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: LED tends to be the best
Though some people like plasma for some reason.
I think Roemer’s solution was best.
Just go to the store and buy the one that looks the best.
Buying a new TV?

Joe: Thinking about it.
Not sure yet

Steve: Black Friday emails made me want to buy stuff too.

Joe: we’re doing all our shopping online this year, but the TV deals seemed crazy.

Steve: Yeah they’re immense.
I almost bought a new one myself and I have one.
I wouldn’t mind having one that works a little better, but then I remembered I’m poor.

Joe: Right.
I keep forgetting that as well.

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Posted in Our sons., T.V.

Raw, Unbridled Hatred

Posted on May 22, 2010 | Leave a comment

Steve: Alright Joe.
I’m gonna tell it like it is.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: I love Star Trek.
Even the worst parts of Star Trek, I love.
I love Star Trek V, which may be one of the worst movies ever made.
I love the episode of the original series when they were transporting space hippies and the first two seasons of TNG when they all wore skintight pajamas and tried to convince us Denise Crosby was the tough one.
I love Enterprise, even though it had totally screwy morals and the worst finale in sci-fi history.
I love Nemesis even though it demolished all of my favorite characters.
I love DS9 even though it only got good after Worf moved in and the last season fizzled out like a campfire in the rain.
I love J.J. Abrams’ remake even though I’ve been his sworn enemy for years.
But I HATE Star Trek: Voyager.
Screw that show.
I hate it so much.
I want it dead.
And that’s how it is.

Joe: Wow.
Very passionate.

Steve: Thank you.

Joe: Not sure I hate anything that much in the world of sci-fi.

Steve: I just happened to see the Futurama episode where he finds all the original cast except they’ve replaced Scotty with Welshie and Melllvar keeps zapping him.

Joe: WELSHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Steve: It made me realize how much I can love a franchise even though almost half of it is terrible.
And that reminded me that if you factor in Star Trek: Voyager, it becomes more than half.

Joe: Who was in charge of Voyager?
Was it like a random guy who was bored and the rest of the team felt bad for him?

Steve: Berman.
That was the first show that was conceived and developed completely after Roddenberry’s death.

Joe: Ah.
Bad direction then.

Steve: He died during the run of DS9, but he was at least around to help get it going.
And he was long dead when Enterprise happened, but they were actually trying to do something original there so it came out mostly good.
But nobody watched it because Voyager had already killed Star Trek.
Then the movies got worse and worse until they kicked Berman out and started over.
But for all of that, Voyager is the only thing I hate.
I think I blame Voyager for everything that came after.

Joe: Sorta like how the Christians view the Crusades, or the Spanish Inquisition.

Steve: …
…yes?
No, yeah. I see what youre saying.
Totally like that.
Like the Crusades or the 700 Club.

Joe: Oooo, the 700 Club is a much less violent example.
No less a travesty though, in my opinion.

Steve: Less violent, but almost as inconvenient.
But yeah. Star Trek is great.
And Voyager never happened.
Just like the Crusades.

Joe: I think Star Trek has a very high ceiling and a very low basement.

Steve: True.

Joe: I think all sci-fi has great potential, maybe Star Trek more so, but when it sucks, it just hits an amazing level of suckitude.

Steve: What carries me through most of the Star Trek suckage is that the shows were never about action or space battles.
It was always more like you were just hanging out with these swell characters on their swell space ship.

Joe: Dude, action movies dressed up in sci-fi suits piss me off.

Steve: So even when they do something stupid like The Final Frontier or Insurrection, you still just have fun hanging out with them.
Which, hey just realized, is probably why Voyager is the one I can’t forgive.
Because there never were any good characters or cool episodes to let me get on their side.
The whole series was bad from start to finish and none of the characters were even conceptually cool or fun to watch.
That can’t be said about any of the other four Star Trek crews.

Joe: Right.
Voyager wasn’t the one with the female captain was it?

Steve:Yeah, it was.

They made this big to do about having a female captain because the future is all full of equality, then we finally see her and she looks, sounds and acts exactly like a man.
Even in the future women have to behave like men to get anywhere?
What was even the point?

Joe: With 7 of 9?

Steve: Yes, 7 of 9 came on there eventually.

Joe: Dude, I saw a total of 5 episodes. Lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
LAMEST.
Really bad.

Steve: Yep.
And while 7 of 9 finally got them back to the classic Trek tradition of hot chicks in tight clothing, it was way too little way too late.
And it really turned out to be just a launching point for another round of horrible story arcs.

Joe: I’m actually mad at you for making me remember I wasted 5 episodes worth of my life that could have been spent sinning somehow (which I’m implying would have been less of a waste of time).

Steve: Yep.

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Posted in Celebrities, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

That’s A Sweet Ride.

Posted on May 20, 2010 | 2 Comments

Steve: Alright.
Awesome famous cars.
Go.
KITT.
ECTO-1.
The Batmobile.

Joe: A-Team van.

That red stripe is sweet, even if the gas mileage probably sucks.

Steve: Yeah.
The DeLorean.

Joe: Oh yeah.

Steve: Not just any DeLorean. THE DeLorean.

Joe: Right.
…Christine.
57 Chevy from that Stephen King movie.

Steve: Yeah, Christine wasn’t cool though.
Dukes of Hazard car. The General Lee.

Joe: In the Dukes of Hazzard video game, guess what was missing from the General Lee.

Steve: Gasp. What could it be?

Joe: Confederate flag.

Steve: NO!

Joe: You don’t get to have a General Lee without a Confederate flag
Anyway, done with that.
Magnum PI’s Ferrari.

Steve: I don’t know that car.

Joe:

Steve: Oh wait.
There have been two cool Batmobiles.
The Adam West one and the Michael Keaton one.

So those should both be on the list.
All other Batmobiles are retarded.

Joe: Okay.
Even Christian Bale’s tank that goes 75 mph?

Steve: Yes. Even the stupid-ass tank that can jump (not drive but JUMP) onto a rooftop without collapsing it.

Joe: Ferris Bueller Ferrari?

Steve: Oh hell yes.

Joe: I feel like we’re missing a truck somewhere.

Steve: Must be.
Oh the Mach 5.

Joe: What’s that?

Steve: Speed Racer’s car.
Actually, never mind. That’s kind of lame.
BIGFOOT.

Bigfoot the monster truck.

Joe: Bigfoot.
Of course.
Awesome.

Steve: The only monster truck ever to not be stupid.

Joe: Remember the Bigfoot cartoon?

Steve: Yes.

Joe: Haha.
The Bigfoot cartoon was sweet.
As was the Mr. T cartoon.

Steve: No, it was sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
Yes, Mr. T cartoon.

Joe: Wait, I have another van for us.

Steve: Okay.

Joe: Mystery Machine.

Even though it was a cartoon it was awesome.

Steve: Oh that absolutely counts.
Herbie.

Joe: I think that’s all I have.
mmmm… I’m on the fence with Herbie.

Steve: Herbie was the broke, supernatural version of Kitt.
Herbie is to KITT as Jedd Clampett is to James Bond.

Joe: Herbie’s abilities were all over the place.

Steve: I think Herbie was actually possessed or something.

Joe: He could kinda talk, kinda drive on his own, kinda tell good from evil and kinda drive faster than a corvette.

Steve: Like he was a sentient car, but not because of a computer like KITT.
Just because he was alive.

Joe: Like Johnnie 5.

Steve: Yeah.
But with no laser.

Joe: The 1980′s were the last bastion of “electricity can make stuff live.”

Steve: I know.
Radiation was magic for a while.

Joe: Right.

Steve: That wore off and now it’s genetic engineering that gives us all our heroes and monsters.

Joe: Now it’s aliens and just straight up magic.
Yeah, genetic engineering too.

Steve: Spider-Man was originally bitten by a radioactive spider.
In the movie it was a genetically engineered spider.
Because we’ve learned since the 60′s that radiation either does nothing or it gives you cancer and you die.

Joe: That was one funny episode of Family Guy, where Mayor Adam West tries to get super powers by rolling around in toxic waste, only to get lukemia.

Steve: Oh WAIT!
The TURTLE VAN!

I know you remember the Turtle Van.

Joe: Oh yeah.
TMNT.
brb, bathroom
And we’re back.

Steve: Welcome.

Joe: I think that’s it.

Steve: Yeah.
Unless we count each and every car James Bond ever drove.

Joe: Nah.

Steve: Or if we’re going imaginary, then Ghost Rider’s bike.
OR
How about this:
Lame ass cars.
Partridge Family van.

Joe: Oh wait, one more for the cool list.
The Muppet Bus.

Steve: Oh yeah.
Sweet.

Joe: Let’s see.
Lame…
The second Knight Rider car.

A freaking Mustang.
Lame.
Almost every Cadillac in every movie ever.

Steve: Oh, all those cars from Knight Rider 2010.
Wait wait.
More for the cool list.
The Gran Torino.

And the Blues Brothers’ car.

Joe: I forgot to mention the Blue’s Brothers car, so totally.

Steve: And Mad Max’s thing.

Joe: Oh yeah.

Steve: The last of the V-8′s.

Joe: Mad Max was sweet.

Steve: Totally.

Joe: Almost any car from any scifi movie in the 70′s and 80′s was pretty lame

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: Those stupid cars in Minority Report were lame.

Steve: The cars from Timecop come to mind for me.

Joe: Nothing from Timecop comes to mind for me, but that’s just me.

Steve: Oh the Minority Report cars were almost as bad as the Timecop cars.
Bullitt’s Mustang. For the cool list.

Joe: Every Volkswagen Bus ever.

Steve: Hey!
I love Volkswagon buses.
I’ve always wanted one.
Since I was in junior high.

Joe: Well, you’re lame, but I already knew that.

Steve: Dude, you’re stupid.

Joe: Obviously, I’m talking to a lame person, so what else would I be?

Steve: Black Beauty from the Green Hornet.

That car was lame.

Joe: Dude, can we include Black Beauty the horse on the lame list?

And then shoot it and make it glue?

Steve: Sure, why not.
Fuck that horse.

Joe: I hated everything about Black Beauty, including My Little Pony, what had nothing to do with Black Beauty.

Steve: Alright, calm down there Dr. Doolittle.
You know what else was lame?
The car Bumblebee turned into in the Transformers movie.

That car would have been cool if I’d seen it in real life, but now it’s retarded by association.

Joe: Agreed.
Oh wait, cool car – ZZ Top thing.

Steve: Agreed.
Lame: Every car from every Fast and the Furious movie.

Joe: Ugh.
Let’s see.

Steve: THE MINI.

I loved the Italian Job, but SCREW THAT MOVIE for giving us that car.

Joe: Agreed.
My wife likes the mini.
Because it’s cute and small.

Steve: Your wife is wrong.

Joe: Hey, no wife talk.
I’ll punch you through the computer.

Steve: You let her continue down that path, she’s going to end up making you buy a Smart Car.

Joe: http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/458062/80511886.jpg

Steve: Holy smokes.
Not so smart now, is it?

Joe: They aren’t cars, they’re cardboard bicycle covers.

Steve: Yeah.
Both of the words in the name are a lie.

Joe: True.

Steve: Cool car: Deathmobile from Animal House.

Joe: Agreed

Steve: MacGyver didn’t have a notable car.
He should have.
There should have been a MacGyver car.

Joe: It would be powered by apples and tuna fish cans.

Steve: Yeah, I guess that’s the problem.
If they focused on MacGyver’s car at all, we would have just watched him rebuild the engine out of random items every week.
To fix all the stuff he destroyed by doing that the previous week.

Joe: Okay, gotta do some work, talk later.

Steve: Later.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Celebrities, Movies, T.V.

The Great Televised Rage Machine …or: Why Can’t Joe Accept The Truth?

Posted on May 4, 2010 | 3 Comments

Joe: Worst show that lasted more than two seasons.

Steve: Oh jeez.
We’ll never get to the bottom of that list.

Joe: Yeah, okay, worst sitcom then.

Steve: Pssh.
Same response.
The Jeff Foxworthy Show.
The George Lopez Show.
Anything with that sort of title.
Grace Under Fire.

Joe: Oh my God, I always forget that show existed until someone brings it up, then I get headaches.

Steve: Yup.

Joe: Okay, how about this: show that should have lasted three years that got cancelled prematurely.

Steve: Firefly.
Dollhouse.
I can see already this list is going to be Whedon-heavy.

Joe: I have one easy answer “The Dana Carvey Show.”

Steve: I thought that show was on for a long time.

Joe: Nope.
Like 4 episodes tops.

Steve: I never actually saw it.
Chappelle’s Show.
It was 3 seasons, but it should have been a lot more.
Same with The Tick.
The animated one, not the crappy-ass live action one.

Joe: The producers said “do a sitcom as if it were a late night show.”
To which Dana replied, “You don’t really want that.”
To which the producers replied, “Yes we do.”
To which Dana Carvey replied:

To which the producers replied “Yeah, we didn’t want that.”

Steve: Huh
So it was terrible?

Joe: Mmmm…it was a late night show with Dana Carvey completely at the helm.
Can’t let artists do whatever they want. You get really amazing stuff and really shitty stuff with no balance.

Steve: I thought you were saying you liked it.

Joe: I did.

Steve: Oh.
Well then you were wrong.
Because this clip is dog shit.

Joe: It’s one small clip.

Steve: Ah.

Joe: Do you remember the election of 1996, Clinton v. Dole?

Steve: Yeah.
Nothing but great Norm MacDonald sketches.

Joe:

Steve: haha
Okay, that was good.

Joe: Watch the opening clip of this.

Steve: Wow, I can’t even get through that one.
No offense Joe, but I would have canceled this show too.
Maybe not quite so quickly.

Joe: You know what’s weird about that show?

Steve: What?

Joe: Steve Carrell, Steven Colbert, the guy who did Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Louis CK were all on it.
That’s a lot of funny in one show.

Steve: Definitely.
I was a huge fan of Dana Carvey’s movies.
You ever see Clean Slate?

Joe: I think so.

Steve: It was great.
And Trapped in Paradise.
With him, John Lovitz and Nick Cage.
That movie was freaking funny.
Not to mention the Wayne’s World duelolloelogy.

Joe: Skip to 11:20 on that last one.

Steve: Nice.
I think I’ve seen that one before.

Joe: Like I said, extremely hit or miss.
If this came on today, it’d be Comedy Central’s best show, but some jackasses put it in primetime in the mid-90′s. Way too soon.

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Celebrities, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

Battle of the Decades: Why all of them sucked.

Posted on April 29, 2010 | Leave a comment

Joe: Another really inspirational 80′s song is that all rock singers African aid Christmas song.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Joe: Do They Know It’s Christmas Time.
That was great.

Steve: And We Are the World.

Joe: What the hell was it about the 80′s?
Was everyone just happy the 70′s were over?

Steve: Yeah, plus everyone was really complacent and materialistic.
So it took music like that to get any reaction at all.

Joe: Right.
It’s like on New Year’s Eve in 1979, the universe was ready for Ronald Reagan, GI Joe, and three Rocky movies.

Steve: Four Rocky movies.
Oh wait, one was already out.
Yeah, three.

Joe: Rocky 2-5.
2-4 sorry.

Steve: Yeah, if you say Rocky V again, I’ma bust you up.

Joe: Yeah, three.
Here’s my new titles for Rocky films.
Rocky
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV – Rocky Defeats Communism
20 years pass
Rocky Balboa

Steve: Exactly.

Joe: I mean, what the hell happened there?

Steve: Stallone had a dark period.
He got a little confused and lost his way for a while.

Joe: The 90′s were not good to Stallone.

Steve: We should all just be glad he found his way back in time to finish out Rocky and Rambo in style and give us the amazing gift of The Expendables.

Joe: True.
I think the 90′s were so depressing a decade – a come down from the 80′s – that most 80′s heroes had no clue what to do.
Can you imagine trying to get an A-team movie green lit, let alone made, in the 90′s?
I mean, I loved the 90′s, but it was freaking depressing across the board.

Steve: Yeah, they were all trying to be “gritty” and “modern.”
Comic books are the litmus test for things like that.
That’s when Hal Jordan turned evil, killed the entire Green Lantern Corps, and was replaced by some douchebag nobody liked.
Aquaman got his hand eaten off by pirhanas, grew a beard and turned into a dick with a harpoon arm.
Batman got his back broken and was replaced by a murderer.
Spider-Man had a daughter who was kidnapped and then died.
Also Aunt May died (the first time).
Even Superman died and came back with long hair.
In short, everything was fucked up.

Joe: Yeah, I feel like the 70′s screwed everything up.
The 80′s became super selfish and self absorbed because of how ridiculous the 70′s were, and then then 90′s were depressing and gritty because selfishness is empty and hollow.
If there was a decade worth erasing from history, it would be the 70′s, but only so long as we could keep the music from that decade.

Steve: I think the 90′s also suffered from the formula mindset of entertainment in the 80′s.
That was when they discovered the summer blockbuster and basically started thinking they could pump out multimillion dollar “entertainment” by just following a few simple guidelines and the idiot masses would come in droves.
Then in the 90′s all the great 80′s ideas were used up, but they still kept trying to crank them out.
So everything basically sucked and that was depressing.

Joe: Yeah, there were some gems though.
Oh wait, Batman was made in 1989 wasn’t it?

Steve: Yep.

Joe: Okay, there were some good ones in there.
Tombstone (although there was totally a depressing undertone).
The Matrix ended the 90′s on a high note.

Steve: Yeah, all of 1999 was amazing, as we’ve previously discussed.
I think that’s when Hollywood started trying to get its feet back under it.

Joe: Right.
I think there was an Indiana Jones movie in the 90′s right?
The third one?

Steve: Nope, that was 1989.

Joe: Darn it.
All my favorite movies from the 90′s were made in the 80′s.
Jurassic Park was okay.
Although Speilberg’s masterpiece, Schindler’s List, was a brutally depressing film.
Plus, fucking Titanic came from the 90′s.

Steve: Wait a minute.
What movies came out in 2009?

Joe: http://www.themovieinsider.com/movie-releases/-/2009/

Steve: Okay, not much.
But 2008 was amazing.

Joe: Right.

Steve: As was 1999.
and 1989.

Joe: Maybe it’s every 9 years.

Steve: So is it like roughly every 9-10 years?

Joe: So, movies will be awesome in either 2018 or 2019.
But until then, we’ll get like three good ones a year.

Steve: Shoot.

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Posted in Kick-Ass Music, Movies, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

DON’T! DRUG! MY! F@#KING! MILK! MOTHERF@#KERS!!

Posted on October 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

The-A-Team-tv-09 a-team_1983_group_promo_photo_001 hr_The_A-Team_3

Joe: What actor is playing Murdoch? Don’t recognize him. Oh yeah, and I will fucking kill someone if Mr. T doesn’t play B.A.

Steve: Sorry.
They got some UFC fighter.
Because for some reason Hollywood thinks anyone gives a shit about the UFC.

Joe: Dude, what the fuck?

Steve: Seriously.

Joe: First off, Murdoch is still alive. Second off, there are a thousand funny actorrs who can play Murdoch.

Joe: Third off, without Mr. T in the film I will literally bomb the studio.
I mean that.

Steve: Let me explain something: The A-Team was not cool because it was a bunch of ex-military guys clearing their names.
It was cool because it had MR. FUCKING T!

Joe: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Dude, it’s bad enough there’s no more George Peppard, but that being said, Face Man and Murdoch are still alive.
Make the film with the original cast and cast an actor as either George Peppard’s son or brother or cousin.
But don’t fuck with the A Team!!!!!!!!!!
They’ve already raped GI Joe and if they rape the A-Team, I’ll fucking kill a studio exec.

Steve: Yeah.
I want to believe in the A-Team, but they’re making it real hard.

Joe: I don’t want to believe. If they are going to remake a beloved 80′s product, fuck them. We don’t need Hollywood. I hate Hollywood. How do you not make Mr. T the Mr. T character? Everyone fucking loves him! If Mr. T had been in Star Wars, those movies wouldn’t have sucked!

Steve: That is true.

Steve: But from the beginning I’ve believed this movie COULD be okay if the originals make a cameo somewhere.
If Mr. T signs off on this weird guy Jed seems to have heard of, then maybe I’ll give him a shot. If not, then they’d better run because I AIN’T GETTIN’ ON NO PLANE!

Joe: I just hate this so much. I’ve been waiting for an A-Team movie for twenty years and for someone else to play B.A. is just unimaginable.

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Posted in Celebrities, Movies, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

Kanye West vs. Cobra Commander, Dr. Doom and Osama bin Laden. Plus, JOE’S BACK IN L.A.!

Posted on September 14, 2009 | Leave a comment

400_kwest_tswift_cpolk_090913_90712947

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.

Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.

Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.

Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.

Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”

Joe: Could go either way

Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.

Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.

Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.

Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.

Steve: Yeah, good point.

Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.

Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.

Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.

Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.

Steve: Yeah, true.

Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I

Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.

Joe: Seriously

Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”

Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw

Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.

Later…

Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Celebrities, Gibberish, Kick-Ass Music, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V., Talking trash, Things we know less about than we pretend to.

Dammit, Sierra Mist!! Bring back Earl!

Posted on July 14, 2009 | Leave a comment

Steve: When you move back we should have a work party.
I can use a laptop when I need to.
Or you can come over here.
We can throw Cheetos at each other while we press buttons that arrange electrons in a way that someone will pay us for.

Joe: Yes!!!!!!!!

Steve: My mountains of soda are dwindling.
I’m down to just Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew now.

Joe: Make them fight it out.
My money’s on Mountain Dew, although Sierra Mist is probably sneaky.

Steve: Soon it will be just Sierra Mist.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist went on a sex tour of Asia.

Steve: I have the Moutain Dew bottle sitting next to me.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist hates African-Americans so much he donates money to the KKK.

Steve: That bastard.
I swear, I hate Sierra Mist

Joe: Sierra Mist has unprotected sex with strangers in men’s bathrooms and then goes home to his wife.

Steve: Sierra Mist is responsible for colon cancer.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist picks up hitchhikers and forces them to undress while he sings “Nobody Does it Better” by Carly Simon.

Steve: Sierra Mist once tied up Al Gore and beat him with a snow shoe until he admitted that global warming was a myth.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist directed Van Helsing

Steve: Sierra Mist wrote Pirates of the Carribean 3.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist makes anonymous donations to the Green Party.

Steve: Sierra Mist is holding back RC Cola by making shady deals with the soda conglomerate.

Joe: I hear Sierra Mist puts razor blades in Halloween candy. He also pees on the razor blades.
Also, the candy is made of pee.

Steve: Sierra Mist went back in time to warn Hitler about the suitcase bomb.

Joe: Sierra Mist voted for Ralph Nader in the past four presidential elections.

Steve: Sierra Mist taught Uwe Bol everything he knows.

Joe: Sierra Mist sells rotten milk at convenience stores.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the real-life inspiration for Cobra Commander.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented black jelly beans.

Steve: Sierra Mist convinced NBC to cancel My Name is Earl.

Joe: Okay, why haven’t we had a “My Name is Earl got cancelled and America is stupid” conversation?

Steve: America isn’t stupid.
Just NBC.
If America had had any indication that Earl was on the block, they would have raised hell.
The problem was it was canceled without warning.
In the middle of a two-part episode.

Joe:Yeah, it’s ridiciulous.
I hate that it was cancelled.

Steve: Yeah it ‘s definitely the kind of thing only Sierra Mist would do.

Joe: What on earth will replace it? Every show they tried as the fourth show with The Office, 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl sucked crab dick.

Steve: I no longer care.
I don’t watch The Office or 30 Rock and as the creator of Earl pointed out, it’s not really that upsetting to be kicked off a sinking ship.
NBC’s going down and I don’t give a rip.

Joe: I watch The Office and 30 Rock and I tried to watch the horror that were the other pilots, but it seriously wounded me.
Screw NBC.

Steve: Yeah.
NBC hasn’t produced ten consecutive minutes of watchable Saturday Night Live material in almost fifteen years.
They deserve to die.
They have the most popular sketch comedy show in history and they can’t make it good.

Joe: Which is amazing considering there are countless people dying to get into that show.

Steve: Yeah, well it’s still a good way to get a movie role.
At least once.

Joe: How can you have so little writing and acting talent when anyone from anywhere who has ever made someone laugh would do it in a heartbeat?

Steve: Maybe that’s the problem.
They’re taking anyone from anywhere.

Joe: Yeah, it’s just sad.

Steve: Oh well.

Joe: Sierra Mist ruined Saturday Night Live.

Steve: Sure did, Joe.
It sure did.

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Posted in Celebrities, History's Greatest Villain, Stuff Joe hates, Stuff Steve hates, T.V.

Terminator: Salvation and American Idol

Posted on May 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

Terminator-Salvation-1704

Steve: Terminator Salvation is awesome.

Joe: Haven’t it seen it yet. Been with in-laws.

Steve: Ah.

Joe: I lost my voice yesterday. I can barely talk

Steve: I can hear you fine.

Joe: I’m in your brain.

Steve: Well, someday go see Terminator.
Although I must admit, the whole time I was watching I just kept wishing RoboCop would show up.

Joe: Yeah, that would have been amazing.

Steve: Sarah and Yurri liked it less than Bryan and I did.
Which I think may have something to do with them not being as familiar with the previous movies.
There were a ton of references and tie-ins.
And I think Sarah was disappointed that there weren’t any tough chicks like Linda Hamilton in this one.
Which is a lame thing to be disappointed about in my opinion, but there it is.

Joe: Well, women rarely work in action movies.
We already had that conversation.

Steve: Yeah, but Sarah Connor did.
So she wanted more of that. Even though it would have had nothing to do with the story.

Joe: True, but they killed her before the 3rd one.

Steve: She never saw the third one.

Joe: Oh. Yeah, I understand it.
T3 was a pretty lame film, and killing Sarah Connor didn’t make the most sense. But Linda Hamilton couldn’t do it so there you go.

Steve: Gotta disagree there. I liked T3. It wasn’t brilliant like T2 was, but it was a competent film and I thought a decent entry in the series.
T2 was by far the best one and the new movie hasn’t changed that.
But there is some cool stuff.

Joe: I was okay with chunks of T3, but killing Sarah Connor was frustrating.
Wasn’t a huge fan of Claire Danes either.

Steve: She needed to die at some point.
It would have been stupid if she’d lived.

Joe: She should die in battle, not from leukemia.

Steve: Yeah, they could have said it was a knife fight in a bar or something, but I didn’t care much.

Joe: Plus Nick Stahl didn’t do much for me.

Steve: The point was, the third movie wouldn’t have worked if she was in it.
Because it was all about John coming into his own.

Joe: I think fans deserved to see Sarah Connor die.
Let her be killed early in the film.
Something better than killing her from cancer.

Steve: Well, I didn’t miss her.
It was time for John to have his own movie.
I liked her a lot, but I was done with her by the end of T2, that’s all.
They’d been teasing us with Judgement Day and the creation of Skynet for two movies, and that’s all I wanted to see in T3.

Joe: Anyway, T2 was awesome.
Where does this latest one rank?

Steve: T4 is better than T3, not as good as T2.
Remembering that I liked T3 more than you, I still liked this one even better.
BUT
It is a very different kind of movie.

Joe: It would have to be. No Arnold.

Steve: Well, yeah and the first three were essentially monster movies.

Joe: The humans were the main characters for really the first time.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.
In the post-apocalyptic world, a single terminator is no longer a terrifying monster that you can build an entire movie around trying to stop.
Everyone fights terminators all the time, and they’re all really good at it.
So the movie becomes more a character piece about John.
As he learns that knowing a few things about the future doesn’t make him omniscient.
A lot of the film is about him meeting Kyle Reese.
And they revived one of the themes from T2, which is the question of what really makes us human.
So those were both cool things.

Joe: I miss Michael Biehn.
I mean, I really miss him.
It’s unfair he’s not in these.

Steve: The kid they got to play Kyle looks enough like original Kyle to pass.
The were smart to make him like 14 so they could get away with recasting.

Joe: That didn’t stop them from recasting John Connor three times with three completely different looks.
There’s no way the T2 kid grows up to be the T3 guy, and the T3 guy isn’t even close to the T4 guy.

Steve: I think all three Johns are close enough to squeak by.

Joe: That’s because to you, everyone with normal hair looks the same.

Steve: Pretty much, yeah.
I don’t know how all you homogeneous bastards can stand looking like that.
But they had the same coloration and roughly the same frame..
You can’t really ask for more than that.
What are they supposed to do, get plastic surgery so they all look like the dink from T2?

Joe: Uh…recast Nick Stahl?

Steve: What’s your deal with Stahl?

Joe: No, I’m saying “the best they can do” to make them look the same is cast Nick Stahl again.
You could have made him look about the right age with some makeup.

Steve: Well the time difference has always been lame.
Technically Edward Furlong should have been a maximum of seven years old when T2 was made.

Joe: Can we switch topics for just a second?

Steve: Ok.

Joe: I never watch American Idol, and I never have/will.

Steve: Good.

Joe: Reason number 445 why that is the case:
I was flicking the channels when it was on and one of the contestants was singing with KISS.
By far the most overrated pieces of filth in the history of rock and roll.
American Idol, one of America’s most popular shows, can only book fucking KISS?
Seriously?
Couldn’t get Jimmy Paige or Robert Plant from Led Zep? Couldn’t get Aerosmith?

Steve: Rock Stars aren’t known for their TV appearances.

Joe: Yeah, but come on.
They have the money.

Steve: And honestly, if you were Jimmy Paige, Robert Plant, or a legitimate rock star of any kind, would you appear on American Idol?
It’s not about the money at that point.
If they paid me enough money, I might do a walk on.
But I’m broke as fuck and don’t have an album coming out next year.

Joe: There are 745 rockers, singers in that category who are far less shitty than KISS.
KISS is like a white trash wet dream.

Steve: Think about it.
It’s a reality show.
What kind of celebrities appear on reality shows?
The ones that are admitting they’re done.
Nobody else.

Joe: True, but it gave me one more reason to choke myself should the temptation to watch American Idol ever come on.

Steve: Yes.

Joe: In all honesty, the fact that American Idol gave the world Clay Aiken is more than enough, but it’s nice they remind me.
You know, just in case.

Steve: You shut up about Clay!
He’s a beautiful man!
Er…
Man…ish… thing
Damn it.
Now I have to play Weird Al until my ears bleed.

Joe: I’ve never heard that fruit sing, so I’m in the clear.

Steve: I haven’t either.
But making that joke hurt my soul.
Smells Like Nirvana will be my healing balm.

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Posted in Celebrities, Movies, Stuff Joe hates, T.V., Things we know less about than we pretend to.

Battle of the Cyborgs!

Posted on May 21, 2009 | Leave a comment

Joe: Are you ready for the ultimate chat topic?

Steve: Perhaps.
Though it will significantly slow my progress on these last two pages.

Joe: RoboCop was human inside and robot outside. Terminator was human outside and robot inside. Who wins?

Steve: I know, dude!
I’ve been saying that forever!
Personally, I’ve got to give it to RoboCop because he’s got a human brain.
So he can learn to love and shit.
Then again, Terminator can run, which was always a fatal flaw in RoboCop’s design.

Joe: True, but RoboCop has humanity on his side and Terminator is just a killing machine.

Steve: Yeah. RoboCop would be on John Connor’s side in the war

.Joe: Hey, did RoboCop have a heart?

Steve: I don’t know about the heart.
I don’t think so.
At least not in the physical sense.
But he was constantly learning how to love.
His partner/girlfriend, his wife from before he died, his son would randomly show up.
People like that.

Joe: Dude, in the first one they chopped him up and rebuilt him (which I think they did in the second one as well). So I think RoboCop is actually more durable than Terminator.

Steve: That’s true.
But there’s more than one Terminator. Does that play into it?
Also, Terminator always seemed better at self-repairing. If RoboCop was beyond the reach of the OCP scientists, he might be screwed.

Joe: We can only do one Terminator, unless RoboCop gets like fifty mentally retarded ED-209′s.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Joe: ED-209 might have been the best thing to come out of the 80′s that wasn’t RoboCop, Terminator or G.I. Joe.

Steve: Well, let’s skip the reenforcements for now.
RoboCop can punch harder, but Terminator can look scarier becuase he bleeds.
And since RoboCop has a human brain, intimidation might factor into it.
Didn’t Dark Horse already do this in a comic? Who won that?

Joe: I think they did, but I have no clue who won.

Steve: Let us consult the wikisource of all wikiknowledge.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RoboCop_versus_The_Terminator_(comic_book)

Oh, nevermind. Apparently it all takes place in cyberspace.
That’s stupid.

Joe: It’s not just stupid, it’s ridiculous. They wrote a comic book about something that happens in cyberspace?
What is this Lawnmower Man?

Steve: Who makes a RoboCop vs Terminator story where RoboCop doesn’t fight a Terminator?
I mean, WTF?

Joe: I’m putting my money on RoboCop.
But it’s really close and RoboCop probably dies right after Terminator from exhaustion.

Steve: Yeah, because RoboCop’s a good guy and Terminator’s a bad guy.
That bears a lot of weight.
And here’s the other thing:
Sarah Connor killed the first Terminator by crushing it in a hydraulic press.
RoboCop’s arms and legs ARE fucking hydraulic presses.

Joe: Yeah, Terminators are kinda fragile, in as much as cyborgs are hydraulic.

Steve: Truth.

Joe: Although, if we take into consideration the actors who played Terminator and RoboCop, it gets ugly quick for our boy.

Steve: We can’t take that into account.
And even if we did, let’s not forget…
Teminators all start off naked.

Joe: Yeah, but RoboCop starts off dead.

Steve: Oh, speaking of which, what’s the deal with this:
Terminator time travel rules say only living organisms can go.
That’s why Terminator had to be surrounded with living tissue.

Joe: Oh, just stop that.

Steve: So what about the liquid metal Terminator?

Joe: You’ve brought this up before, they have to reinvent the nonsense every movie.

Steve: I mean, did they just fucking forget?
And if so, why was he naked?

Joe: They’ll probably make up reverse time travel in the new Terminator movie.

Steve: That’d be cool.
Then we could find out why John’s a different actor in every movie.
Okay, I gotta go. We’ll continue this tomorrow.

Joe: k

The next day…

Steve: Boris Stonecrusher has worms.
Anyway, back to RoboCop
I’m pretty sure RoboCop is stronger than Terminator.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGva3yU8RZw

DUDE!
THAT VIDEO IS FREAKING AWESOME!
Holy cow.
Someone is an amazing editor.
And knows the Terminator and RoboCop movies like the back of his hand.
Hah.
4:00 minutes in is great.
And our prediction was correct.
Dude, talk to me when you’ve watched the video.
I think it’s my new favorite movie.

20 minutes later…

Joe: The punch at 2:33 is great.

Steve: Absolutely.

Joe: Not super psyched about Predator, but that was pretty good.
Predator’s a fag.

Steve: Hey Predator kicks ass!
You can’t call Predator a fag.

Joe: Dude, he just waited for them to beat each other up and then he threw a space grenade, that’s pretty gay.

Steve: If you’re saying he had a lame part in this video, ok.

Joe: That’s what I mean, if he had stayed to fight or something, I’d get it. Instead he just acted like a puss.

Steve: If you’re calling Predator a fag in general, we may have to take this outside.

Joe: No, no. Predator’s cool normally.

Steve: Oh ok.
Well then yeah I agree with you.
But I just took it as a cameo.

Joe: Yeah, but if you’re going to add a cameo (and I know you can’t do this) add Alien and have them both kill Alien, get splatted with acid, Terminator fights with half human half metal face, and RoboCop has that hole in his eye visor.
But to just throw Predator in for kicks is kinda lame.

Steve: Naw, Predator fits the type slightly better than alien.
Big muscley powerhouses, all.
Optimus Prime.
Now that would have been a good cameo.

Joe: Yeah, I just think you leave Terminator v RoboCop.

Steve: Yeah. I think the Predator thing was just a gimmick to create the big fiery mess he needed for the next set of clips.

Joe: I guess.
Looked very cool otherwise though.
If we make our movie, we should get that guy to make us look even more awesomerest

Steve: Well, this just inspires me to get back to my Rocky meets Rambo idea.
I mean, come on. Rocky and Rambo are obviously long-lost twin brothers.

Joe: Rambo’s the one who went off to join the army, Rocky stayed home to take care of mom before she died of “the cancer.”

Steve: Rambo being the one who was adopted by jerks and Rocky being the one who was raised by a loving family.
See, we know very little of their childhoods except that Rocky’s from Philly and Rambo’s from Arizona. We can do whatever we want with the rest of it.

Joe: That’s true.
I actually think Rambo has no real parents, a foster kid kinda.
That’s why he loves the Colonel and hates all false authority.

Steve: Well at the end of the most recent one he returns to Arizona to find out if his dad’s still alive.
The last shot is him walking towards a ranch house that says “Rambo” on the mailbox.

Joe: Dude, haven’t seen it.

Steve: So we can assume there was a daddy Rambo, but that they don’t have a great relationship.
That’s okay, that doesn’t ruin any of the real story.
But how have you not seen it?
If you haven’t seen Rambo by now, I refuse to be held accountable for that.
At some point you’ve got to take responsibility for your actions.

Joe: Dude, I have a wife who watches Dancing With the Stars and I work 70 hours a week.

Steve: Whatever. See Rambo.
You saw freaking Get Smart.
See Rambo.

Joe: I was trying to fit in with church people when I saw Get Smart.

Steve: And I was trying to fit in with church people when I watched Lost, but that doesn’t make it okay.
Oh and BTW.
I went to a seminar with some reps from Disney/ABC this weekend.
And they confirmed that ABC’s core target audience is 18-34 women.
So take that, everyone who says Lost and Grey’s Anatomy aren’t stupid chick shows!

Steve: Anyway, RoboCop wins.

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Posted in Celebrities, Comic books, Movies, T.V.