In reference to Joe's recent post on Death By Movies...
Steve: For the record:
Gandalf.
No contest.
Ok…
SOME contest.
But still Gandalf.
Joe: So.
You’re saying…
We need a point/counterpoint on Darth vs. Gandalf?
Steve: Apparently.
Point: Gandalf can summon the lords of various species of animals to aid him.
Joe: Darth Vader chokes people from twenty feet away.
Steve: Gandalf knocked Sauruman over from another country.
And that was another wizard.
Joe: Darth is the best fighter pilot in the galaxy.
Steve: Gandalf’s homeless sidekick can beat up an entire party of Nazgul.
Joe: Darth Vader has a light saber.
Steve: Gandalf has a staff that glows in the dark, shoots rays at flying dragons and knocks people over without touching them.
Joe: Darth Vader was responsible for wiping out the Jedi.
Steve: Gandalf can get fat midgets to fight dragons and overthrow dark lords.
Fat LAZY midgets.
Joe: Darth Vader was the most feared man/cyborg in the universe.
Steve: Gandalf was the head of a divine order of incarnate angelic beings sent by God to destroy evil.
Joe: Darth Vader also wiped out the Sith Lord.
Steve: Gandalf died and it didn’t take.
Joe: Darth was barely half alive the entire time he ruled the universe.
Steve: Ooh good recovery. Didn’t see that one coming.
Gandalf jumped off the roof of a tower, fought a Balrog on a one-foot-wide bridge, flew towards an erupting volcano, exorcised the King of Rohan, fought several wars despite being older than dirt, faced down the Witch King of Angmar, knocked the Steward of Gondor unconscious in the middle of his own city and pretty much gave every form of evil in Middle-Earth the finger.
Joe: Darth became evil, evil itself.
Steve: Gandalf’s beard changes color.
Joe: Darth killed his own son (or so he thought), killed his own wife (so he thought), helped blow up a planet, murdered his second Jedi master then murdered his Sith master, survived being burnt by volcanic lava and even his own sperm was so awesome it made the man who would change him back to being good.
Steve: So you’re saying Darth was beaten by his own sperm?
Gandalf was the wisest of the Maiar, cited by Círdan the Shipwright as having a higher inner greatness than any of the other Istari, and was entrusted with one of the three Elven rings, despite not being an elf.
He wore that ring… which was supposedly ruled by the One Ring… THE ENTIRE TIME he fought Sauron.
Joe: Darth couldn’t breathe well and still kicked everyone’s ass, even his son who he fought when he must have been in his late 50′s. He could sense ambushes coming from space ships which hadn’t even landed on the Death Star yet. He was maniacal enough to corrupt Billy Dee Williams.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS STEVE!
Steve: Gandalf had more friends that could defy the lord of all evil than Darth Vader had working body parts.
Joe: So, you’re saying Gandalf had an unfair advantage there. I agree.
Steve: If by “unfair advantage,” you mean he used the resources available to him to their fullest potential, yes.
Meanwhile, Darth Vader had an entire Imperial army at his command and insisted on doing everything himself.
But let’s bring theis back to mano-a-mano
Say Darth gets lucky and someohow lands a lightsaber in Gandalf’s belly.
What happens then?
Mofo gets up.
Stronger, and with cleaner clothes.
And gives it another go.
What happens when Darth dies?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Joe: He comes back and his ghost probably trains the next generation of Jedi.
Steve: Yeah and that’s something we’d all like to see. The worst villain in the universe training space cops.
And let’s not forget. 30 years after Darth dies, he inevitably turns back into Hayden Christensen.
That’s just science.
Joe: Okay, that’s Apocrypha and you know it.
Steve: Is it, Joe?
Is it?
Well, if that’s Apocrypha, then Vader doing anything after he dies besides hanging out by a fire and smiling is also Apocrypha.
Steve: Wow. You really have a lot of bitterness about Greek myths.
Were you forced to read the Illiad when you were six or something?
Joe: Am I wrong?
Are there warm and cuddly Greek myths not retold by Disney?
Steve: Um…
That’s like… being right and wrong at the same time
Obviously Greek myths are really dark. Most mythologies are.
But… like… are you okay?
Joe: What?
Steve: You seem personally offended by it.
Like Greek myth raped your mom or something.
Wait… are you a demigod?
Joe: I am Zoul
Steve: The minion of Gozer?
Joe: You’re the minion.
Steve: Your mom’s a minion.
Minion of Jesus.
Steve: Also, I’m going to adjust your extremely venomous post so that terrible trailer is embedded instead of linked.
Did you see the first Clash of the Titans?
Joe: Yes.
Steve: Were you with me?
That movie was BAAAAADDDDDDD.
But the kind of bad that I sometimes like to watch just to make fun of it.
Joe: I saw it at the Grove with friends.
not with me
you
Steve: …
Did you just get me confused with yourself?
Joe: Kinda.
Steve: Dammit. We all knew this day would come. I’d better grow my beard out again.
Steve: He’s good.
Bastard drank five ounces at one feeding this morning.
Joe: Joey drank that much, then he puked.
I think Joey and Johnny have one of those “can’t drink a gallon of milk in an hour” contests going.
Steve: We’re in Walnut Creek at Sarah’s parents’ house. We have Odin with us.
He’s very concerned about all these random people holding the baby.
Joe: As am I.
Why did you bring the dog?
Steve: Because.
Dogs need more attention than cats.
Joe: You just wanted an 8 hour car trip with a big dog didn’t you?
Steve: Cats and tortoises we can just have my dad stop by and feed once a day.
The dog we’d have to board if we didn’t bring him. And that costs wicked green.
Fortunately, dogs travel much better than cats too. So it works out.
Joe: Please tell me you stopped in Oakland and yelled “sic ‘em” at those Occupy Wall Street turds.
Steve: Haha.
No.
Joe: Dang.
Then it’s a wasted trip unless you do it on the way back.
Steve: Honestly, I’m a little bit on their side
Joe: I’m on their side the same way I’m on the Tea Partier’s side.
I agree with a fair amount of what they are fighting for, I just think pooping in public parks is retarded.
Steve: Have they done that?
Joe: In NY they have
Steve: Morons.
Joe: I think they will accomplish nothing.
Steve: We’ll see. Protesting almost never directly accomplishes anything, but I think a good amount of the public has gotten pissed off along with them.
Joe: Also, how can you occupy Wall Street in LA/Oakland/Chicago?
Steve: Well they change the names.
It’s called Occupy Oakland.
Joe: Well, I think the public was pissed off with them at first and is now pissed off at them.
Steve: Partly.
Joe: Yeah, well the Occupy L.A. people have been protesting buildings with no bankers in them (namely my building) and making life a mess for middle class people who are part of the “99%”
So fuck them and their idiotic need for attention.
Steve: Ha.
Morons.
I guess anyone in a tall building is fair game.
Joe: I do agree that corporations, especially banks, are evil though.
So it’s not like I’m rooting for Chase or BofA.
But when the other side is a bunch of modern day hippies, I don’t know who I’m rooting for.
Steve: Yeah.
Thing is, I’m usually the guy who defends corporations.
I was kind of nonchalant about the “corporations suck” mentality until I saw this one chart.
Steve: Someone put it on Facebook. It shows the average CEO salary vs regular worker salary in several countries.
That bugged the crap out of me.
Steve: Hey!
A Cornish hen is just a small chicken.
I call retarded on that.
Should have gone with a goose instead.
2 minutes 14 seconds later…
Steve: You know, Joe.
Some pretty amazing things happened to me today.
This morning I realized for the first time in weeks that I’m actually caught up on my work.
Later the guy at the cell phone repair place called to tell me that the part he ordered for me had come in a day early.
Then proceeded to fix my phone in under an hour.
Also, I discovered that there’s a nearly invisible comic book store two blocks from my house that’s been there for two years without me ever having seen it before.
On top of that, I watched the Expendables.
Yet for the first time all day, this YouTube video has caused me to say out loud:
Holy fucking shit.
Joe: I know.
All I’m trying to say is that that guy thinks you’re garbage and your house is garbage and your home is garbage and you’re garbage and you have never even eaten meat.
Steve: Six months from now, when my heart explodes inside my chest as a direct result of this conversation, I’m sending you the hospital bill.
Joe: Ok.
Steve: Dammit.
I’m so mad at you right now.
I should buy the turkey this weekend while they’re cheap.
Joe: Look Steve. If you can’t make that dish, it’s okay.
Really, I won’t think any less of you.
God will, but I won’t.
Steve: I can probably get the pig over at Manhattan Meats.
Joe: Your sons all will, but I won’t.
hahaha.
This is fun.
Steve: Freaking Joe.
Alright, here’s what they did wrong.
They used a chicken and a Cornish game hen.
So essentially they used two chickens.
I’m nixing one of those chickens in favor of a goose.
Joe: Agreed.
Steve: I should probably also work venison and ground buffalo into the meat glue.
And while the Baconator garnishes were a nice touch, I’ll probably have to replace them with bacon-wrapped buffalo chili dogs.
Joe: Yeah.
That’s seriously at least a day of cooking and probably another day of prep.
Steve: When I make turducken it takes me 2-3 days.
So yeah.
That’s a lot of cooking.
Yeah, they don’t have enough meat variety.
With everything already being bacon-wrapped, that stuffing should not be bacon-based.
Perhaps some pulled brisket or pulled pork instead.
No.
I’ve got it.
Andouille.
That stuffing needs to be made with Andouille sausage.
And tasso.
You’re helping me pay for this, you know.
Joe: Ok.
Steve: Damn it.
My only regret is that I can’t do it for a couple months at least.
Joe: My only regret is that I have bonitis.
Steve: That Guy was the greatest businessman who ever lived.
Boo-yah.
Steve: That’s what Sarah just said.
Didn’t feel it here.
Joe: I’m on the 19th floor
I felt it.
Steve: Anyway.
Joe: What’s up?
Steve: Barbecue time has come and gone again.
Which means I have to ask you a question.
Joe: Yes, I shit a burger.
Steve: No, not that question.
The question is, Joe…
How many Sierra Mists do you want when you come over on Saturday?
Joe: mother fucker
Steve: Mother.
Fucker.
Joe: I hate that shit man.
Steve: It’s a whole unopened 12-pack.
Again.
It’s like someone read our blog and brought it just to spite us.
So far nobody has owned up to it.
Joe: Dude, who brings that crap?
Steve: I actually suspect it brought itself.
I’m sure I’d know if any of my friends were… that way.
Plus, Sierra Mist is a sonovabitch.
Bringing itself to my BBQ is exactly the kind of thing it would do.
Joe: Sierra Mist just caused an earthquake.
Steve: Earlier today, Sierra Mist caused an accident on the Metro Blue Line and made 4000 people late for work.
Joe: Sierra Mist makes collect phone calls to 7-Up and never pays him back.
Steve: Sierra Mist prevented Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel from joining the cast of the Expendables.
And he cast the A-Team movie without Mr. T.
Joe: Sierra Mist optioned the rights to Airbender, only to hire a down on his luck director and a white kid to ruin it.
Steve: Sierra Mist heard some people think of Hitler as the literal antichrist and started punching llama after llama until he gradually surpassed Hitler’s evil. Just for spite.
Joe: Sierra Mist voted for the Green Party in the last six presidential elections.
Steve: Sierra Mist framed Carmen San Diego.
Joe: Sierra Mist baked three dozen cookies for Mrs. Schneider’s elementary school class and put his own pubic hairs into the batter.
Steve: Sierra Mist directed Pirates of the Caribbean 3 while Gore Verbinski was tied up in his basement.
Joe: Sierra Mist took my mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again.
Steve: Sierra Mist had $30,000 to invest in my movie Gray, but he spent it all on Vienna sausages and Cabbge Patch Kid dolls, which he rolled into banana leaves and smoked.
Joe: Sierra Mist is on the sex offender list.
Steve: Twice.
Sierra Mist is wanted for drug smuggling in 134 countries.
It used to be 138, but he toppled a few foreign governments.
Joe: Sierra Mist built the Iron Curtain, melted it down to make scrap and then built a statue of the founder of the KKK outside Nashville.
Steve: Sierra Mist doesn’t care about black people.
Joe: Sierra Mist beat up a homeless person, blamed it on the police and then raped a bunny rabbit.
Steve: That bunny rabbit went on to get elected to Congress, where he betrayed every principal of the Democratic party, then blew his brains out on national television.
Joe: Sierra Mist is both pro and anti Prop 8.
Steve: Sierra Mist won’t help me straighten up my office, no matter how many times I ask him.
Joe: Sierra Mist invented cold sores.
Steve: Sierra Mist got David Lee Roth kicked out of Van Halen.
Joe: Sierra Mist keeps propogating the idea that KISS is a good band and that people want more reality shows based on people made famous by other reality shows.
Steve: Sierra Mist is the chief of programming for NBC.
Joe: Sierra Mist is a douche bag.
Steve: I hate Sierra Mist.
It’s like 7-Up took a whiz into some Mountain Dew, then someone spilled the Mountain Dew and had to refill it with seltzer water and poison.
Joe: We have 7-Up, Sprite and vomit, why on earth do we need Sierra Mist?
Steve: I seriously think it’s a test to see how long they can sell a competing product called “Sierra Mist” before “Mountain Dew” figures how to sue the living shit out of them.
Joe: Well, at least we got another blog post out of it.
Steve: Let me tell you something about the 80′s.
In the 80′s every pop culture icon that existed for little boys was either a violent, murdering sonovabitch, or a weepy puss from some John Hughes movie.
Obviously, we all wanted to be tough guys.
Like Rambo or He-Man.
We all wanted guns and fighting.
Because really, that’s what all boys want.
Now I had good parents.
They made sure I knew that it wasn’t cool to start fights and I needed to eat my vegetables.
But some kids didn’t.
Some parents were fools.
And that’s why God created Mr. T.
What other hero could we look to who was an icon of masculinity, but would also look right into the camera and tell us to stay in school, don’t do drugs, drink our milk and respect our mommas?
Nobody else, that’s who.
Only the toughest man in the world could get away with that.
And because he was the toughest man in the world, they gave him a TV show.
That show was called “The A-Team,” but it could easily have been called “Mr. T and his Three Friends.”
Because that’s what it was.
Joe: True.
Steve: And through that show and his other platforms, Mr. T raised an entire generation of young boys to stay in school, drink their milk, not do drugs, and love their mommas.
He was a father figure.
Or at least an older brother figure.
Hulk Hogan had a similar message, but for Hogan it was a persona.
For Mr. T, it’s who he really was, and we know that for sure now.
Now it’s 20 years later and they’ve remade the A-Team as a feature film.
Mr. T hated the movie.
He said it was too violent, too graphc, too much sex.
He didn’t like that people died in it.
He said it was nothing like the show they used to put out every week.
Earlier today someone told me he thinks Mr. T is out of touch or hyperspiritual.
Because he can’t enjoy a movie with too much violence.
Well, I like violent movies as much as the next guy.
But Mr. T’s my big brother.
And he’s helluva tough.
So when Mr. T tells me not to go see the movie based on his own show…
You’d better believe I’m gonna listen.
I pity the fool who don’t.
Joe: Who said he’s hyperspiritual/out of touch?
Steve: A guy you don’t know, but he’s a little too old.
He wasn’t raised by Mr. T.
Plus he grew up in Kenya.
So he has no clue.
Joe: Dude, Americans are too violent. Violence is not a “good” thing and someone who doesn’t like violence is a good person.
Violence means people die or get hurt, and Jesus wasn’t a violent dude. I appreciate good violence, but that’s a part of me that isn’t all that righteous.
Steve: Well, we could debate about that for a long time.
But in short, yes. Someone who doesn’t like violence is right not to.
Joe: Agreed, but saying a person is “out of touch” because they don’t like violence is dumb.
Steve: Exactly.
And saying someone is hyperspiritual because they don’t like it when Hollywood rapes their beloved franchise is even stupider.
Joe: Dude, it’s quite possibly the lamest thing this summer. And this is a particularly bad summer.
Steve: I think the worst part is either when Rampage puts on the tu-tu and prances around singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” or when Liam Neeson puts on the full Revolutionary War-era redcoat outift and tattoos “Screw America” across his forehead.
Joe: No, the worst part is where they destroy the A-Team van. Which actually happens.
I mean, it’s like they know they’re crapping on the A-Team, so they crap on themselves since they are the fake A-Team.
It’s just wrong.
Steve: Oh yeah.
Unbelievable.
Mr. T made the right call not doing a cameo alongside Face and Murdoch.
He was obviously too helluva tough to be fooled by the jibba-jabba.
Joe: When Mr. T doesn’t like something – something specifically related to him – you should just follow his lead.
Rampage can suck it.
He’s not Mr. T.
Steve: No. He definitely is not.
Joe: I’d rather go see Sex in the City 2.
Steve: Nor is Liam Neeson George Peppard.
Joe: I’d rather go to see Sex in the City 2 and then go see Shrek 4
Steve: And in case anyone didn’t notice, LIAM NEESON ISN’T EVEN AMERICAN!
His American accent is worse than Arnold’s,
They may as well have just pissed on our childhood.
Rampage’s acting ability makes Mr.T look like Marlon freaking Brando.
Joe: Last summer I had to pretend that the Wayans brother I like the least didn’t take a dump on GI Joe, now I have to do the same thing with the A-Team. Hollywood can get cancer and die.
Steve: Seriously.
Hey remember how great life was back when the A-Team was an awesome show from the 1980′s starring one of the greatest men who ever lived?
Now it’s a crappy action movie that rapes the memory of said show.
Way too much CG. Way too many attempts at sly references to the original show.
When in fact they’re just destroying it.
Oh yeah, and lest anyone forget: http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
That A-Team movie helluva sucks.
Joe: When Ralph Macchio dogged the new Karate Kid I thought “maybe he’s just bitter, I mean, it does have Jackie Chan who is entertaining every fourth movie he does.”
Steve: Macchio didn’t dog it.
He liked it.
He took his son to see the premiere with him.
Joe: But, when Mr. T tears apart a film that either never should have been made or should have starred him, original Face and original Murdoch avenging Hannibal, I know Satan just produced a film.
Steve: Pretty much.
I’ve been waiting twenty years for an A-Team movie and when they finally make one, Peppard is dead and Mr. T’s been replaced by a freaking nobody from idiotsville.
And don’t get me wrong, I love Liam Neeson.
He’s one of the best actors alive today.
But casting a Brit as Hannibal – especially a Brit who can’t do an American accent to save his life…
It’s no different than casting a Brit as Captain America.
We may as well just sign the colonies back over to the freaking Queen.
Joe: Right. They cast a Brit as Hannibal, a South African as Murdoch and a retard as Mr. T.
I’m just appalled on so many levels.
What’s worse is that I think the film will make money because of how bad this summer has been for movies.
Steve: You know what it reminds me of?
Seriously?
Joe: What?
Steve: It plays exactly like one of those stupid comic book fan films.
Like some guys with a camera and a few extra bucks for Final Cut just grabbed the best actors they could get for the weekend and shot a fake concept trailer.
It’s exactly that level of quality.
Only instead of a fake trailer, they actually made the whole movie.
With the wrong actors and CG in place of anything that might actually be cool.
Just like that Mortal Kombat trailer that looks really cool at first until you suddenly stop and go… wait… a Mortal Kombat trailer?
Joe: I know this hasn’t gone on too long, but I think I can’t talk about this any longer. It’s an abomination. Too painful.
Steve: Abomination is exactly the right word.
The toughest man in the world is so disappointed in our culture.
And that makes me sad.
Steve: Yeah.
There’s still one in my fridge.
I’m going back for several pounds worth.
Gonna use them at the BBQ.
Joe: Are they good?
Or just cheap?
Steve: They are awesome.
No, anything but cheap.
They’re $6.99/lb.
But they’re worth it.
Whole Foods is selling them.
I bought the Whole Foods vegetable-fed all-beef hot dogs and the buffalo hot dogs.
Had one of each to compare.
Buffalo dogs blow the beef ones out of the water.
Joe: Sweet.
Steve: Now if I can just find some bear, some alligator and some venison…
This will be the greatest meatfest ever.
Joe: Ha.
Steve: Quite.
Bryan’s telling me he once had bear hot dogs at his uncle’s house.
And deer.
I’ve got him trying to find out where they came from.
I’ve actually found deer hot dogs and gator sausages online.
But I can’t find the bear ones.
Joe: Bear is tough since some bears are endangered.
Plus, I hear women attract bears. They’re attracted to the menstruation.
Steve: Black bear seems to be what most people sell.
But I’ve only found bear burgers.
And we may be out of luck because nobody ships bear to California.
Some grass-smoking hippie probably thinks it’s mean to eat bears and got himself elected to the state senate.
But I figure it’s definitely time to start diversifying my meat sources.
This is year five. Gotta start eating things that could eat us back.
Joe: I’m not sure why we don’t start with those meats.
I know we’re already at the top of the food chain, but those gosh darn lions are getting upity.
Steve: I think it’s easier to raise cows than lions.
Probably because you’d have to raise cows in order to feed the lions anyway.
So we figure, “Why not just eat the cows ourselves and the lions can go screw themselves?”
Joe: Yeah, freaking lions.
You know who hates humans?
Steve: Who?
Doug?
Joe: Sierra Mist.
Steve: Damn Sierra Mist!
You can’t even eat one out of revenge.
Because it’s a liquid.
And a gross one at that.
Joe: Sierra Mist tried to blow up a van in Times Square and then blamed it on a Pakistani.
Steve: Sierra Mist once gave birth to a baby. The baby turned out to be smallpox and it killed millions of people.
Joe: Sierra Mist encouraged Abraham Lincoln to select Andrew Johnson as vice president, then convinced John Wilkes Booth that Lincoln’s head was made of popcorn and thus impervious to bullets.
Steve: Sierra Mist is the reason why communism doesn’t work.
Joe: Sierra Mist invented polytheism.
Steve: Sierra Mist is keeping me from finding bear hot dogs.
Joe: Sierra Mist bought all the bear hot dogs and fed them to the buffalo. He then shot the buffalo.
Also, there are some eagles under the floor boards.
Wait, wrong bit.
Steve: Sierra Mist invented the gun just so millions of people could be killed by it.
Then it invented gun control to make sure only innocent people were hurt.
Joe: Sierra Mist raped 7-Up.
Steve: Sierra Mist gave my cat herpes.
Joe: Sierra Mist is going to give Greece $600 billion in debt in order for Greece to pay off its current debt, only to further their debt problems.
Yes, Steve. Sierra Mist is Europe.
Joe: You know what would be great about killing Batman in the third film?
If they kill Batman there’s no chance Warner Brothers can create the League of Justice with an Alien superman, a dude with an alien ring, several other supernatural heroes and one REALLY rich dude.
And I sort of do expect some talk of a League of Justice movie if Avengers does really well.
Someone will say “yeah, and we’ll get the Native American audience with that giant Indian dude, and the general audience with Superman and faggot audience with Green Arrow…”
And so forth.
Steve: “Expect some talk?”
Justice League has been in development hell for longer than Avengers or the Nolan films have been around.
I definitely think a Justice League movie would be sweet if done right.
But “done right” would mean using a very different version of Batman than Nolan’s.
Joe: Right.
I just think putting Batman into a Justice League movie would be a horrible mistake.
Steve: What?
Joe: Avengers can sorta make sense, Justice League doesn’t.
Steve: You can’t do Justice League without Batman.
Joe: Yes you can.
Steve: Oh here we go with your irrational Marvel love coming through.
You’re the polar opposite of Cloribel.
Joe: I …agree with that?
Steve: Cloribel won’t take anything Marvel does seriously because he’s now become a DC fan.
Joe: I’m not saying Marvel is necessarily better than DC. I’m just saying I feel like the Marvel characters mesh better with each other than the DC characters.
Steve: No way.
The Marvel characters aren’t even in the same genre as each other.
Joe: I love when you choose to be a dickhead.
You just choose to be an irrational douche for no reason.
DC blows dude, total joke.
Completely cartoonish in my opinion.
Steve: Dude, chill your rage wagon for a second and listen to reason.
Joe: If it weren’t for Green Lantern I’d have nothing to do with DC shittiness.
Steve: The Avengers are totally different genres.
Thor’s high fantasy, Hulk’s a monster movie, and Captain America’s a war hero.
Iron Man’s the only one that’s a true superhero.
In Justice League you’ve got Superman, Green Lantern, Batman, Wonder Woman.
All superheroes.
Green Lantern could be interpreted as a sci-fi space opera thing, but the others are all solidly in the same genre.
Joe: You’re saying I’m biased?
Steve: Yes.
Because you argue merit based solely on your personal preference.
Example: I remember a conversation with you where you swore Spider-Man could beat the Flash in a fight.
You argued that the guy who jumps around and spins webs can beat the dude who moves at the speed of light.
And every such conversation ends with “DC blows.”
Joe: Okay, I try to be nice to DC, but DC does blow.
It’s fact, it’s in the book of Hebrews
Hebrews 16:11 – DC blows horses.
Steve: You’re nuts.
Right now I’m a DC guy.
Last decade I was a Marvel guy.
You know why?
Writing.
Comic books are exactly as good as the stories being told in them.
That’s all it comes down to.
I should say in movies, I’m actually pro-Marvel right now.
Because Marvel is clearly kicking ass in that department.
But in the actual comics, DC is blowing them out of the water.
Joe: Stop talking and watch this.
Steve: Not until you tell me what your problem with DC is.
Joe: You need to watch the dude excited about his fish.
Steve: I am watching it.
Is this the coolest thing that’s happened to him all day or something?
His town is underwater and he’s happy he caught a big fish?
Joe: Kind of amazing.
In the end, and you can view this opinion for what it’s worth, my ultimate problem with DC is Superman. It’s not that I dislike Superman, it’s that they’ve painted themselves into a wall with his character.
He has to weaken himself to every accomplish anything. When, in the end, he should never be defeated by any enemy. I know his weakness is his love for mankind but I still get annoyed by all of the lore surrounding him.
To me, Superman is DC and I’m just not sold on Superman at all.
Steve: See, that’s always the opinion of people who don’t actually read Superman comics.
This goes back to the same thing I just said.
If Superman is well-written he’s a good character and if he’s badly written, he’s a bad character.
Problem is, most people only care enough to watch the movies and they’ve all been horribly written.
This is kind of my problem with how Hollywood treats comic books in general.
Superman is the most powerful superhero, so in these movies he’s godlike.
Which is not the case at all in the comics.
There’s a long list of ways you can kill him and a long list of enemies that can take him in a fight at full strength.
But that’s not the point.
Even if that wasn’t true, that’s only a flaw if you’re writing a certain kind of story.
But Hollywood cranks out these movies that treat the source material like it’s a joke.
Or that respect the source material, but don’t respect how hard it is to apply it in a different medium.
Only very rarely do we get a movie that manages to respect the source material AND construct a movie competently.
One of those movies was Iron Man.
And the day after it came out, my MOTHER went to the comic book store to check out Iron Man.
Joe: I feel like there is an inherent flaw with the character.
But I’m not just talking about movies, I’m talking about the characters. As a kid, I never related to Superman because he was perfect. Superman’s world is flawd, Superman isn’t. I can’t relate to that, so I never cared.
That’s ultimately the problem I have with him as a character.
DC never interested me at all. Batman was cool, but I wanted nothing to do with Robin. I read Spider-Man, Captain America, the Hulk and a few others because I related.
Steve: Well then you were reading something that was badly written.
Joe: It’s not just writing, regardless of the writing the characters have inherent traits that don’t necessarily change.
Superman doesn’t interest me as a character at all.
I’d love to see something done with him that’s quality, but even if I did, I don’t care enough about him to jump up and down.
Steve: Dude, no one’s saying you have to love Superman, but what you’re saying about him is totally innaccurate.
Captain America and Superman have the same exact personality.
The only difference is their powers.
Joe: Exactly!
Captain American can be killed on earth, Superman can’t.
Steve: That’s not true!
That hasn’t been true since the 70′s.
Unless you only know him from movieland.
Joe: Except for the retarded Kryptonite bullshit that is a ridiculous concept.
Steve: That is also not true!
There’s a hundred ways to kill him in the comics.
When he actually died, he was beaten to death.
And that’s come close to happening a number of times.
Joe: He wasn’t beaten to death by a human was he?
He was beaten to death by some other retarded alien.
Steve: Dude, it’s comic book land. Half the population of earth has superpowers or crazy advanced technology.
Joe: And besides, with all your arguments, we’re discussing preference.
I don’t care about Superman. Not because of the writing, it’s because I don’t care.
I PREFER marvel’s world
Steve: FUCK YOU!
Joe: Spider-Man was flawed, Wolverine was flawed, etc. Batman was flawed, but creaking creepy.
I prefer Spider-Man to the rest.
So, DC Blows and Marvel is awesome.
And Cloribel is retarded.
Steve: That’s fine.
I just don’t understand why you keep saying Superman is perfect or isn’t flawed.
That can only be the opinion of someone who hasn’t read a Superman comic since 1970.
Joe: Okay, give me a Superman flaw.
Steve: Superman has control issues.
Superman fights like a retard.
Superman can’t solve a mystery to save his life unless he has something to punch.
Superman thinks he should be able to be everywhere at once and he can’t.
This is stupid.
We could go on like this forever.
Just quit dissing Superman or I’ll cut your eyeballs in half.
Joe: I like Green Lantern.
Steve: Green Lantern is cool.
Joe: Maybe it’s because I’m more of a Sci-Fi guy than a fantasy guy?
Steve: Yeah, I’ll buy that.
Though Superman is technically sci-fi.
Joe: Marvel seems a bit more scifi-ish. Lots of characters who were experimented on.
Wolverine, Spiderman, Hulk were all science experiments gone wrong.
Steve: Here’s my analysis of the two.
As long as we’re talking about their flagship characters and not the less known ones.
Joe: Right.
Steve: So Hulk, Spider-Man, Thor, Cap, Iron Man on one side and Supes, Bats, Wonder Woman, Flash on the other side, etc.
DC characters were all created to be big, iconic symbols of something pure and direct.
While Marvel characters were high-concept ideas and then had superhero images wrapped around them.
For example, Flash: The Fastest Man Alive.
Hulk: Frankenstein meets Jekyl and Hyde.
Superman: Paragon of power and virute.
Spider-Man: Nerd gets superpowers, let’s see what happens.
Captain America is the only exception. He’s the one Marvel hero that should be a DC hero.
People say the reverse about Batman, but I disagree.
Because Batman also represents something very iconic and straightforward, which to me makes him clearly a DC guy.
Joe: Maybe the Green Arrow is such a terrible character that I turned on DC altogether?
Steve: Could be.
Although Green Arrow’s actually been really great to read a lot of the time.
The fact that he dresses like an idiot, fights crime in the stupidest way possible and is an infuriating bleeding heart liberal have all been folded into his character to make him the guy you love to hate.
And recently he straight murdered a dude.
Which for some reason had never happened before even though he fights crime by FIRING FUCKING ARROWS AT PEOPLE.
Joe: Well, in the end, I’m just a Marvel guy. Except for Batman who I think is the lone DC guy (major DC guy) who has no alien/supernatural powers.
He’s the one bitter/angry/vengeful/semi-righteous dude who’s also rich and motivated.
Steve: Yeah, and I lean toward Superman because I like the ideal he stands for.
I like that he fights evil not because he’s got severe mental problems or childhood issues, but just because it’s the right thing to do.
Not to take anything away from Spider-Man or Batman.
But Superman didn’t need a loved one to get shot to know that with great power comes great responsibility.
That’s what I like about him.
Steve: Yeah, I think the Jonah Hex movie looks like it might be really cool.
But that whole giving him a superpower thing scares me.
It implies that they think comic book fans won’t come see it if he doesn’t have a superpower.
Which will have the exact opposite effect, because those are the very people who will know they just twisted the whole concept of the character.
<Gasp> Not all comics are superhero comics. It’s just a western comic. So make a western movie.
That’s not so hard.
Joe: Right, I think it’s a grab at the general audience who may not know the comic but who will go see comic book movies.
I think Brolin will be good, the rest won’t.
Steve: Malkovitch will too.
And I don’t mind Megan Fox, but it depends on how they use her.
If they use her the way most movies use her, it’ll be terrible.
But it looks like they might actually be letting her wear clothes part of the time.
Joe: We’ll see.
I think that’s a comic that should be left alone when it comes to movies, but Hollywood never met an idea they didn’t want to destroy and put Megan Fox’s boobs into.
Seriously, can she just turn 40 and pose in Playboy already?
Steve: I disagree. I think Jonah Hex is perfect movie adaptation material, but they’d be better off not advertising it as a comic book movie.
Joe: It’s not that I think Hex is bad movie material, just that I think Hollywood can’t adapt stuff like that without destroying it. Can you imagine LOTR produced/directed/shot in Hollywood, or anywhere near America?
Steve: Yeah, true.
And I agree about Megan Fox.
But whenever there’s a new chick in her place in society, there’s always a part of me that hopes things won’t end that way for her.
Like maybe this time she’ll actually have a decent career, not become an unwed mother, not get divorced six times, not pose in filthier and flithier magazines until she dies of a drug overdose…
There’s always hope.
Joe: I agree with you on hoping actresses don’t get willingly exploited, but there’s not a lot of positive history when it comes to that sort of thing.
The other path is to turn into Sharon Stone, do Basic Instinct 2 and gross out the universe.
Steve: Yeah.
One or two of them could become Sandra Bullocks.
But even she’s getting divorced now.
Joe: Well, she chose to marry a guy who was married to a porn star. You really can’t have any clearer indication of what you’re getting yourself into.
So, that’s all on her in my opinion.
Steve: I didn’t know that detail.
Joe: It’s less tragic to me than it is retarded.
Steve: Impressive.
Joe: Yeah, anyone who is shocked is also shocked that politicians hire slutty interns, bankers manipulate financial systems and premarital sex leads to unwanted consequences.
What!? Sleeping with my boyfriend lead to herpaids!? Oh my!
Steve: I have never met Tommy Lee or any member of Mötley Crüe
Joe: Ok.
Steve: Nonetheless, I just came across some pictures of them on Wikipedia.
And I can smell the beer and cigarettes from here.
Through the freaking internet.
