Category Archives: Talking trash

The most evil man of our generation? Where do you stand?

Joe: Can Christianity disown Mel Gibson?

Steve: I don’t want to disown Mel Gibson.
The Passion of the Christ and Signs alone should lock him in forever.
So he went on a racist tirade. That sucks, but look who his dad is.

Joe: I’m willing to forgive the Jewish thing, but not divorcing his wife.

Steve: That seems a little backwards to me.

Joe: That piece of shit Catholic makes his own church to be more traditional and then divorces his wife?
My point is, there are two major strikes against him, and one involves his particularly strong religious beliefs.

Steve: Him divorcing his wife is his business.
I hate divorce too, but this is the real world. People do it.
To me, it’s more about what he’s overcome.

Joe: I agree with you mostly, but not for a dude who’s more Catholic than the Pope.

Steve: Which is a lot if you consider his background.

Joe: Not for a dude who introduces the single most influentual film about Jesus, possibly ever.

Steve: I mean for a dude who’s THAT Catholic to even have anywhere near the level of revelation required to make the Passion is amazing.
He had a super racist dad and was raised in a church system that’s 99% spiritually dead.
Then he got super famous and became a well-known druggie/party animal.
Then he got saved and made the Passion.
Of course he’s got issues. He’s still cool in my book.

Joe: mmm… My frustration with anyone who wants to make their mark with their faith is that there has to be consistency. You and I are going to sin, as is any celebrity.
So I don’t have a poor expectation.
Where I have a problem is when sin is not followed by repentance.
Divorce is wrong, especially when you’re so Catholic you think the Pope isn’t Catholic enough.
You don’t get to be a publicly proud Christian who does not hold to his beliefs.
We can’t disown every Christian who makes a public mistake, but I can hold them to some level of consistency in their lives.

Steve: Well, I’m not here to defend the man’s sins, but I think disowning him as a body is exactly the wrong thing to do.
There’s never going to be a celebrity Christian that doesn’t sin.
The world needs to know that’s not what our religion is based on.

Joe: My point isn’t about sin.
It’s about repentance.

Steve: But he did repent. He had one of the most sincere repentances ever by a celebrity douchebag

Joe: For his divorce?

Steve: For his anti-semitic outburst. He doesn’t owe us a repentance for his divorce. That’s between him and his wife.
It’s got nothing to do with the public.

Joe: I disagree. If you get divorced, you don’t owe me an apology.
But a public Christian doesn’t get to sin in private and enjoy public praise.
Mel was a public Christian and made a very public film and presented his faith in a public way.
Then he gets divorced and doesn’t want to discuss it.
That’s just poor form.
Don’t bring out the faith card if you don’t want to be held to the standards.

Steve: I have so many problems with that view I don’t even know where to start.
But I think the primary thing is that I’m glad he’s actually been able to keep his life as private as he has.
If more celebrities succeeded where he has, the world would be a better place.
I don’t care why a stranger got divorced, Christian or not.
It sucks that he did, but for all we know it was really necessary for reasons that would be totally inappropriate to make public.
In fact, I can’t think of a reason for divorce that would be appropriate to make public.

Joe: My point isn’t that I’m prying, people who pry blow.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying the public.
I’m criticizing anyone who wants to be in the public eye on their own terms, especially once they introduce the Christian card.

Steve: Well, a man’s family is his own business, no matter who he is.
And I think you’re misrepresenting his intentions.
It’s not like he was nobody and then walked into the room yelling “I’m so great! I’m gonna be the Christian guy from now on! Everybody watch what I do!”
Dude was already one of the most famous people on the planet, and then he got radically saved.
And then God basically ordered him to make a film that only he could make.
All he did was make a movie.
And give one or two interviews for pretty much the only time in his life.
The fact that said movie was like the hugest deal ever was much more God’s doing than Gibson’s.

Joe: I have a quick question?

Steve: K.

Joe: How do you type with Mel Gibson’s dick in your mouth?

Steve: Dude, you’re lame.
Bottom line is this: Nobody in the world cares that he got divorced. Only extreme right-wingers like you care about that. That’s why nobody’s nailed him down on it in the media and THAT’S why he hasn’t discussed it.
In the end, what people will remember 100 years from now is the movie.
If he was being swarmed with reporters demanding an explanation for his divorce, he might be inclined to give one.
But he’s not. Nobody cares.

Joe: Listen, I don’t care that Tiger banged a thousand chicks, that’s his deal.
I don’t care that any professional athlete or celebrity has affairs, gets STD’s or does drugs or whatever.
I really care about professed believers not counting the cost when they make their faith public.
We look bad enough with Pat Robertson and other televangelists (and by look bad, I mean I can’t bring up Jesus’ name without people thinking about them).
To have Mel A. making anti-Semitic statements, and B. being a horrible Catholic in spite of his whole Catholic thing is embarrassing.
It’s not that I expect believers to be perfect.
I want them to be consistent, and he just isn’t, and it’s a really crappy inconsistency.

Steve: Maybe so, but what I think you’re not taking into account is that Mel Gibson getting divorced doesn’t make us look bad to anyone who’s not already a Christian.
Most non-believers don’t care about divorce.

Joe: That’s not true.
They care when it matters

Steve: Not as nearly as much. That’s why the tirade was a huge media bonanza and the divorce was a footnote.

Joe: I really think you’re wrong on this one.

Steve: I really think you’re wrong.
You’re being very judgmental about a situation you know nothing about.

Joe: I think you’re defending a situation you know very little about.

Steve: All I’m saying is it’s not our business.
And we can’t “disown” a guy for something that’s none of our business.

Joe: My point is, when you choose public life, especially with your faith, your private life doesn’t get to be out of bounds on your own choosing.

Steve: In fact, I rather prefer that there is a fallable Christian in the media.
I’d rather him than Pat Robertson any day.
Because Robertson acts like he’s infallible.
Gibson just lives his life.

Joe: I’m not criticizing his sin, Steve. I’m criticizing the fact that he’s not as open as I think he should be
If your sins aren’t as public as your accomplishments, there’s a problem.

Steve: I disagree. There’s nothing Biblical about forcing a man to strip naked in front of the world.

Joe: uh…Jesus?

Steve: In front of his covenant relationships, yes, but not in front of the camera.
Mel Gibson isn’t some preacher who took a bunch of people’s money and then slept with all his parishioners. That would require an apology to everyone he ever preached to.
He’s a filmmaker who happens to be a Christian and doesn’t like being in the spotlight, with or without his faith.
He’s always been known for that, even before the whole Passion deal.
I don’t require him to change that.

Joe: I only require believers to be consistent.

Steve: Right.
Well, we all should be.
And we’re all not.
And he isn’t either.
Big whoop.

Joe: For a public believer it’s more than a big whoop to me

Steve: So you’ve said.
But honestly, what’s he supposed to do? Hold a press conference and say he’s very sorry, but he’s got to divorce his wife because
… fill in the blank?
That’s bullshit.

Joe: Yes.
Bible says “dont’ desire to be a teacher.”
If you want the praise, you don’t get to trade the mocking.

Steve: When did he desire to be a teacher?
You’re assigning all these roles to him that he doesn’t fit.
He’s just a guy who makes movies.

Joe: Dude.
Are you seriously shrugging that off?

Steve: YES.
You’re making no sense.

Joe: I’m fairly certain “teacher” should be taken for a position of influence, and any person of influence should be aware that they will receive a double judgment.
Film maker, teacher, politician, etc.

Steve: I agree, but you’re skipping over the “desire” part.
Mel Gibson has done nothing his entire life but shun the spotlight.
He is the living epitome of the artist who’s famous against his will.

Joe: He did Lethal Weapon 4.
He Did What Women Want.
He’s a super popular actor who’s a lady’s man.
Let’s not deify him.

Steve: I’m not deifying him. You are. You’re saying that when he reached a certain level of recognition for his gifts, he should have either quit working or thrown his life open for all to see.
No sale.
I’m really not defending his sins.
Divorce sucks.
And I’d bet money his reasons for doing it were not justifiable.
But it’s still nobody’s business but the people involved.

Joe: Because he’s chosen a public life, I disagree.
But I guess that’s where we stand.

Steve: I guess so.

Joe: Last word.

Steve: GOFUCKYOURSELF!

Joe: Nope, I already got the last word.
See, it’s up there.
Last word again.
Final word.
Last word in.
I win.

Steve: Mel Gibson is standing behind you with a knife.

Joe: I wouldn’t be surprised, he’s kinda nuts.

Steve: Why are you so interested in Mel Gibson’s nuts?
Now the truth comes out.

Joe: You’re right.

Steve: You don’t want him to just expose himself to the public, you want him to EXPOSE himself.

Joe: I wanna be nuts to butts with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

Steve: They call that a Lethal Weapon Special.

Kanye West vs. Cobra Commander, Dr. Doom and Osama bin Laden. Plus, JOE’S BACK IN L.A.!

400_kwest_tswift_cpolk_090913_90712947

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen: Kanye West.

Joe: Someone had to take the place of Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson. It’s just impressive that he did both at the same time.

Steve: Sarah saw it live. I’ve read all about it but I just can’t bring myself to watch the clip. I’m afraid I’d get too mad and break out in hives.
And for the record, I’d never even heard of Taylor Swift before last night. That doesn’t lessen my rage.

Joe: I have, Liz likes pop music.
Just watched the video, I hate Kanye for making me feel bad for A POP MUSICIAN NAMED TAYLOR SWIFT.
Taylor Swift? She stole a porn name, and a generic one at that.

Steve: Actually, I was thinking it sounded like the name of one of those girly Saturday morning cartoons.
Like JEM.
“Taylor Swift has to expose her evil manager’s schemes to take over the music industry while getting ready for her biggest show yet!”

Joe: Could go either way

Steve: Regardless, Kanye West is a douchebag. I wouldn’t do that to Jeff Freaking Foxworthy.
In fact, I wouldn’t even do that to Kanye West.
That’s how fucking bad that was.

Joe: Yeah.
Pretty bad.

Steve: But to do it to a teenage girl…
Dude that’s just a guy who needs mental care.
He might actually be a danger to others.
He’s definitely a sociopath.

Joe: He’s a villain.
It’s actually cool to have a villain we all recognize and agree is a villain.
It’s been a while.

Steve: Yeah, good point.

Joe: We have no USSR, everyone thinks China is cool (for some reason) and Americans hate America more than Iran.
Hatred of Kanye could bring us all together for once.

Steve: Yeah.
Though I still maintain that Osama bin Laden is pretty much as much of a straight comic-book-villain as we’ve ever had in real life.
He leads an army of evil henchman with no home country and he dwells in cave fortesses while making diabolical speeches about his enemies’ ultimate inferiority.

Joe: He’s Cobra Commander.

Steve: Give him a mask and a ray gun and he’s Dr. Doom.
Though Dr. Doom actually had a country. But still.

Joe: True. But Americans have such a short attention span, and hate America so much, that the opportunity to hate an American who’s popular and rich is just too good to pass up.

Steve: Yeah, true.

Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otBWBULzJ7I

Steve: Dude I have this movie.
We need to watch it together.

Joe: Seriously

Steve: Also the Shield.
“I totally miss the fucked up thing you DOOOO….”

Joe: This is my favorite song though
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKOucA27K-g&feature=fvw

Steve: Dude that song is so annoying!
I always skip it when I play the soundtrack.

Later…

Steve: Wow.
This post fits almost every category I’ve yet created for our blog posts.
Everything except movies and classic episodes.

Horrible Christianese and Zombie Nazis

Steve: Yo

Joe: I haven’t been paid yet.
Will try to get you a check ASAP.
I’m frustrated as well, it’s a big check in total that I’m waiting for.

Steve: Haha.
Psychic.
Oh wait… I mean prophetic.
That’s what Christians call it right?

Joe: Yeah, that one’s up there with kettle faith instead of pot luck.
Or virgin instead of geek

Steve: I’ve never heard of kettle faith.

Joe: It was a ridiculous thing that the leaders when I first got to the church were saying.

Steve: It means pot luck?

Joe: Right.

Steve: That doesn’t even make sense.
Though, to be fair… pot luck doesn’t make any damn sense either.

Joe: Yeah, but since a pot was a witchcraft thingy, and we don’t believe in luck… it was fucking retarded.

Steve: WAIT
A
MINUTE
A POT is a witchcraft thing?

Joe: Dude, it went deep, witches used a pot, normal people used a kettle aparently.

Steve: No. No.
No.
First of all, everybody on fucking planet earth calls it a pot.
And second of all, if you’re going to associate cookware with witchcraft, you say cauldron.
Not pot.

Joe: I know.
I’m not defending it, just explaining it.

Steve: I know.
I’m attacking them via proxy.
Who am I attacking, btw?
Who said this hilarious bullshit?

Joe: Uh… mostly people who were long gone before you showed up

Steve: They were joking right? I mean… in that church way where everybody’s just humoring everybody else?

Joe: Nope.

Steve: Yes they were dude. I won’t accept that. I can accept them replacing luck with faith because they’re retarded. But the kettle thing had to just have been for the hell of it.

Joe: Nope.
It was odd back then, people didn’t want to play mafia because they didn’t feel like lying was holy and they wouldn’t play monopoly for similar reasons

Steve: Well, that’s dumb but at least there’s some logic to it.
I want any fucking human being to explain to me why witches use a pot and regular people use a kettle.
Anybody. Please.

Joe: Dude, it was completely fucking ridiculous in hindsight.

Steve: That’s it. I’m becoming a witch.

Joe: You should.
Wait a second, why arent’ we talking about zombie nazis?

Steve: Zombie Nazis?

Joe: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1278340/

Steve: Oh yeah!
Dude. Talk about evil.

Joe: Is this a fuckign comedy?

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2978087705/

Steve: Well, it’s a horror movie.
And in a way all horror movies are comedies.
Especially zombie movies.

Joe: Watch the trailer.

Steve: Seen it.
Can I make a confession?
I am so sick of gore movies.

Joe: That’s not a confession, it’s a good thing.

Steve: If I see one more of these fucking things, I may hurl.
I understand watching the ocassional zombie movie.
Maybe.
But how people can be fans of these things I will never get.
I watched a zombie nazi clip earlier and I seriously want to erase it from my memory becsause of how vile it was.

Joe: I’m with you.

Captain Karot (Carrot?)

new cp

Joe: I almost bought you a comic book.

Steve: Got one.

Joe: It was titled “Captain Karot and the…”
Hold on, a chihuahua just ran by my office.

Steve: Yeah, you should deal with that.

Joe: Okay, I’m back.
Captain Karot and His Collage of Friends.

Steve: I remember Captain Karot. I heard he was being revived.

Joe: You know Steve, that’s the saddest thing you’ve ever said.

Steve: I think he now officially lives on one of the 51 alternate earths of the DC universe.
Can I counter it by pointing out that I’ve never read any Captain Karot stories?

Joe: I suppose.
Maybe we could write a script for that, live action style. The best live action super hero adaptation since Howard the Duck.

Steve: It would certainly be a mind-blowing, blood-curdling, spine-shattering, gut-wrenching, ball-busting, ass-grabbing, throat-slicing, kitchen-cleaning, diet-coke-hating, tour-de-force.

Joe: I was thinking we could write a vampire script.
Oh, have you seen Gone Baby Gone?

Steve: No I have not.

Joe: It’s really good

Steve: Is it ball-busting?

Joe: Ben Affleck can direct.
Mostly because he just gets out of everybody’s way.

Steve: I can’t tell if you’re serious.

Joe: I’m serious.
It’s shocking.

Steve: Huh.

Joe: Yeah, it’s like he hired a good screen writer, a good dp, got good actors and just never showed up.

Steve: How Afflecky of him.
I think my next one will either be that, 30 Days of Night, or Michael Clayton.

Joe: You suck dude.
Big time.

Steve: I do?

Joe: Yeah, you suck the rock.

Steve: Well you suck the whole planet earth.

Joe: Hey, the whole planet earth is hot!
And you know it.

Steve: Only compared to the surrounding space, bitch!

Joe: You take that back!

Steve: I’ll take it back when your mom finishes blowing me.

Joe: My mom can’t blow you, you’re too busy gargling Rock cock, you useless Carrot-Top-copying-queer.

Steve: Yeah, well at least my bloodline makes some kind of sense, you damn Puerto-Rican/Pollack. That makes you stupid AND unwanted.

Joe: But we’re unaware of our unwantedness you French-Canadian nut butter lover!

Steve: I’m not French-Canadian, you ass-fag! I’m a Saturn-driving, Wal-Mart shopping, fast-food eating, Bush-loving, Canada-hating, ass-grabbing, fart-knocking, rock-and-roll loving, motherfucking AMERICAN.
Of French/Irish descent.

Joe: Ha.
How’s your lady?

Steve: She’s cool.
By which I mean she’s totally hot.

Joe: That’s great.
Who would win in a fight, Bryan Cloribel or Kaimo?

Steve: Cloribel
He’s got 100 pounds on Kaimo.

Joe: Yeah, but Kaimo isn’t smart enough to know when to go down, and he thinks he knows Kung Fu.
Remember when he slap boxed Ted?

Steve: Yeah, he only pretends to know Kung Fu.
He actually only took a year of martial arts and he was in like grade school at the time.

Joe: Hey, he only pretends to know English too, and he somehow communicates.

Steve: No he doesn’t.
He’s actually been talking about soup this whole time.

Joe: He’s just reading ingredients off of a label isn’t he?

Steve: Mostly, but he pronounces “glucose” as “Mountain of the Gods” and “carrot” as “Jurri hit me”

Joe: hahahahha
hahah
haha
Fucking hilarious.
Dear Jesus,
Please let Jurri fight Kaimo.
Please, please, please.
Amen.
-Joe 2:5

Steve: What does Joe 2:6 say?

Joe: It’s actually the shortest verse in the book of Joe.
Joe farted.

Steve: Dude…
That nearly killed me.

Joe: Good, your Jurri thing had me laughing out loud in a stuffy law firm.

Steve: Well I’m going to lunch. Ttyl.

Joe: k

No Idea What This Is About… From 11/21/06

slap

Steve: Fuck you.

Joe: Sorry?

Steve: Yeah, you’d better be.

Joe: Anything in particular I did?

Steve:
I’ll get back to you.

Joe: k

Steve: She told you, bitch.

Joe: Right.

Such jerks…

dogeyes

Joe: Why are you researching that?

Steve: I have a scene in my novel where three guys go back to a field the next day to recover the body of their dead brother.
It was suggested to me that I could make the scene hit harder if I described how disturbing the body looks instead of just saying “it hit him like a physical blow”

Joe: Ah.

Steve: But I don’t know off the top of my head how screwed up a body would be 24 hours later.
For which I am grateful.
There was this one dog by the side of the road for like a week or two when I was a kid.
I would pass it every morning while walking from the high school back to my junior high.
It was grosser every day.
So there’s that story for you.

Joe: Yeah, great story

Steve: My point being, if I had known I’d be writing this someday, I’d have paid more attention.

Joe: And/or thrown up on the dog

Steve: Right.
There was also a dead dog on the beach one time during a boy scout campout.
Which my boyhood chums insisted for years that I had had sex with.
My boyhood chums did not care for me very much.

Joe: Well, to be fair, you did have sex with the dead dog.
hahahah
I can’t stop laughing at this.

Steve: I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THE DOG!
YOU GUYS ALL SUCK!

Steve: And just so everyone knows, I’m the only one of those guys who’s married now.

Joe: Okay.

(Separate box)

Brett: You. Sex with dead dog. It did happen.

Steve: Oh good lord.
You guys are all buttlickers.

Utility bills cause division – from 5/10/06

Joe: How much are the bills on the fridge for?

Steve: I don’t remember. I’m at Brett’s.

Joe: Ok
…bitch

Steve: FUCKYOUMOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
I’m gone.

Joe: Don’t go
…bitch

No really. We’re nice guys. From 3/21/06

v for vendetta

Joe: Hail xenu!

Steve: Hail Xenu!

Joe: Scientologists are psychotic

Steve: Totally.  You can’t not love the South Park guys.

Joe: They’re all we have out there right now.  Without Stone and Parker, where would we be?

Steve: Digging through old Mel Brooks movies.

Joe: And that would get old after about….an hour

Steve: No, I think it would take a whole day.

Joe: Yeah, that’s probably true.

Steve: Nonetheless, Hail Xenu!

Joe: My review of V for Vendetta is this: Hugo Weaving is great, the Wachamacolits suck and Hail Xenu.

Steve: But you forgot…
BOOM!!!
The whole damn thing is worth that boom.

Joe: It was pretty good, but now I actually want to persecute homosexuals.

Steve: I kind of want to persecute British people.
Of course, I wanted to do that before.

Joe: Right
Is Victor British? can we persecute him?

Steve: No and no.
I don’t have the energy to persecute him.
He counter-persecutes.

Joe: That bastard, what right does he have to counter-perse…what?

Steve: You know it’s true. It’s less taxing to perpetrate a genocide than to spend time with Victor for any reason.

Joe: How are you meaner than I am?

Steve: I’ve been scarred more.

Joe: Right
A Scanner Darkly is one of three things, pointless, so bad it hurts, or good even though it has Keanu.

Steve: It could be… totally sweet.

Joe: The chances of that happening are as likely as Victor not calling you to complain about something pointless sometime in the next month.

Steve: We must remember that, retarded though he is, there are still three movies that were good BECAUSE of Keanu.
Bill and Ted (both of which count as one movie)
Speed
And the first Matrix

Joe: That’s true, but then there’s every movie that doesn’t start with Bill and Ted.
What if Matrix had starred Victor?

Steve: He never would have jumped.

Joe: dialogue:
Victor: “I know kung fu.”
Morpheous: “Show me.”
Victor: “Can we just talk for an hour instead?”
Morpheous: “No, show me your skills”
Victor: “But my dad says I shouldn’t.”
Morpheous: “Your dad isn’t real.”
Victor: “That hurts because when i was in elementary school……..”
Morpheous: “I hate you.”

Steve: Stop damn you.

Joe: You know that’s funny.

Steve: It hurts though.

Joe: Victor: “Hey Trinity, I was praying and God showed me that you’re my wife and you’re going to help me and that it’s not Susie, or Janie, or Phyllis, or Megan, or Judy, or Joe’s girlfriend, or Judy, or Melanie, or this other girl I met in the park the other day.”

Steve: Dude. Knock it off.

Joe: Victor: “But Oracle, what if i’m not ready to fight? I mean does that mean I’m not goning to fulfill my destiny? And I was reading this book by a pastor from Mars and he says that Matrixes aren’t as strong as speaking in Chinese tongues and that it’s only supposed to affect our temporal nature not the physical plain.  And I think we should free my friend Steve so he can stand beside me and always be near me, even when I’m going to the bathroom.”

Alright, I’ll stop now

Steve: If you ever come home, I will tie you down and rape you with an electric cattle prod.
Then I will pull your intestines out through your nose.

Joe: Remember, remember the 5th of yeah kind of.
or
maybe
remembah, remembah, the 5th of yeah kinda
and I’m gone

Steve: Thank God.

From 3/16/06 – Can you guess what we were talking about?

large-melaugh27

Joe: What’s terrible is that he was the worst of a terrible crew
The bald guy I just felt bad for

Steve: No. What’s terrible is that he wasn’t.
He should have been…
But then there was the walking STD chick.

Joe: They both gave me rabies they were so bad.

Steve: What was she even talking about with that sign on her ass?
No body laughs at her for fifteen minutes and then she goes OVER time?
What the hell is wrong with her?

Joe: Those two were so bad I don’t even remember anything else.
I’m not even sure if the Hatian chick was funny, she just wasn’t the worst thing in the history of stand up flops.

Steve: Dude, it should have been you, the Haitian girl, and MAYBE the guy that ran the show.
Everyone else deserved to be drawn and quartered.

Joe: The one liner chick was what she was, you know how that goes.

Steve: Yeah, I would have been okay with that.
And even the court-ordered guy didn’t make me cringe too much, though I could barely hear a word he said.

Joe: And I was really hoping the homeless looking dude would have been funnier. Didn’t it just seem like he could have been awesome?

Steve: Yeah, he could have been funnier, but he didn’t really give a shit.
Which I completely respect.

Joe: I know, but his story about the car was pretty funny. and I think it was totally true.

Steve: But the giant vagina… If there were some way to erase her from my memory completely, I’d give up half my comic books for it.
The Marvel half.

Joe: Gotta get back to pretending I earn my paycheck, talk to you later.