Steve: Ahem.
Joe, I just want you to know something about me.
Joe: Okay.
Steve: Whatever else can be said about Steve Boshear.
This Saturday, I put five birds inside a pig, layered it with bacon and Andouille/croissant stuffing, and smoked it all day.
Then I carved it with a 20-inch gold-plated bowie knife.
And when we ate it, it was better than anyone imagined.
Joe: Yes you did.
Steve: So looking back at our conversation from November…
The Gauntlet Thrown
Is there anything you’d like to say to me?
Joe: I believe I said others would be ashamed of you, but I will now say this:
Jesus, all your future children and the various Norse Gods who do not exist all honor your great achievement.
Steve: Thank you Joe.
You are a king among men.
Joe: It was a great day.
Steve: And we ate the hell out of that poultry-stuffed pig.
Joe: Dude, that part was amazing.
Steve: Dude seriously.
Joe: It was 70 pounds of meat compacted together and we ate the hell out of that thing.
Steve: When everyone left, I still had the head, shoulders and butt.
Nothing else.
Plus my dad has like ten gallons of beer in random containers in his garage.
Joe: We did forget one thing.
Steve: What?
Joe: The reading.
Steve: OH NO!
You’re right.
Joe: It’s fine.
I’ll post on Facebook.
Steve: Actually, paste it in here.
It’ll go up on WKJT.
Steve: Dude we had a bacon-covered meat log and a keg
Joe: True.
The Meatiest of Them All.
by Joseph Marchelweski
On the plains of Silarma, the great pig army faced off against the empire of the fowl. There stood 300,000 swine, snorting in a truly ruthless manner, waiting to devour their natural enemy, the bird. Standing just 100 yards away, the Empire of the Fowl crowed loudly at their sworn nemesis, shouting insult after insult. As they faced each other down, one pig stood head and shoulders above the rest. This pig balanced himself on two legs while resting on the backs of his brethren and defied the fowl to send their five greatest warriors to do battle with him. This pig shouted “If thy five greatest warriors can defeat me, we will all bow down before you and allow you to ride on our backs, serving you as our masters.”
“And what if you defeat our five great champions,” shouted a rotund turkey who looked more like a vulture than a buzzard. “If I can defeat your five great soldiers, then you shall watch as I torture them in front of you and then weep as we annihilate your entire kingdom.”
As the fowl leaders thought about this great challenge, five birds gathered at the front lines. Rock the Wise, Mallard the Brave, The Great Quail of Endor, The Cape Barron Goose and Wild Turkey Jim slowly marched half the distance to their enemy, realizing they were the murderous bunch the pig had wanted to fight. They began to squawk, calling out the pig, chanting “Where is this great hoofed coward who challenges us!” They quieted themselves, and then only moments later they felt the ground rumble. Both great armies began to tremble as the Five Fowl of the Great Empire stood face to face with Goliath, the Great Boar of the West.
Immediately sensing their flaw, the five birds thought of running, but their obligation, their courage and their duty kept their feet in place. Goliath laughed when he saw the fear in their eyes, sensing that this fight might last minutes, or even seconds. However, he didn’t realize these fowl were trained well in the deadly arts and desperately wanted the glory such a battle would bring to their fellow birds. Rock the Wise attacked first, thrashing the great pig’s knees with his machete. The Pig let out a squeal, and took a monstrous step back towards his own soldiers. This step quickly encouraged the fowl, who unleashed a combined attack Goliath could never have imagined.
Blow after blow knocked the great pig back as they battled. Mallard and the Great Quail used their combined efforts to slice the boar’s arms to ribbons. The pig bled on the ground, gasping for air when he was sprung upon by the goose. The Cape Barron Goose took his ax, removed three of pigs fingers on his left hand and ripped open a great gash on its stomach. Finally, Wild Turkey Jim ran at full speed with his club, smashing Goliath about the forehead repeatedly, causing a great crack that rang throughout the valley. The fowl, now sitting exhausted, waited to see if the pig would rise, or if they had indeed defeated the greatest enemy on earth.
As they looked at each other, they heard something startling; a small chuckle began to lift its way toward the heavens. Goliath was bloodied, beaten, cut and torn, but he was by no means defeated. He rose to his feet, stammering only slightly at first, and with one great blow with his right fist he punched Wild Turkey Jim so hard he shattered the bird’s rib cage entirely. In a whirl, he then spun his sword, removing the arms of both the quail and the duck so quickly, they didn’t even know it had happened at first. Goliath then turned his attention to the goose. The goose, brave as he was, ran full speed toward the pig, who caught the courageous bird with one hand, and then ripped its beak off.
Lastly, Rock looked at his comrades and shuttered in fear. Goliath raised his voice and began mocking all the fowl. “Oh great bird empire, home of such great warriors, watch as I not only defeat, but shame your worthless race!.” He grabbed the quail, whose body was marred by the pig, and held the small bird by the throat. To the disgust and horror of each fowl warrior, the pig shoved the quail down the hen’s throat, as the bird wept and begged for mercy. The pig then grabbed the duck, and snarled viciously as drool ran down his jaw. Each bird, filled with disgust at what they were now forced to witness, dropped to its knees and begged for this slaughter to stop. Their tears and cries were so powerful, even a few pigs ran up to Goliath, begging their brother to cease. He then promptly broke their necks, cut off their heads and ripped their own flesh from them, slipping their blooded meat down his own throat. lastly, having massacred each bird and forced them to eat their own brethren, the mighty pig took a deep breath and swallowed the bloated carcass of the turkey. It was with great pain that he did so, but he laughed deliriously the entire time, dancing around as if possessed by Satan himself.
When the carnage was done, the pig fell to his knees and stared at the birds who realized their fate. However, almost instantly, each creature, swine and fowl, smelled something sinister in the air. Their instincts took hold, and each forgot about their great feud, fearing a fate much worse than what they had just beheld. Suddenly, through two great trees, as if delivered by God himself, two men burst forth, and stood twice the size of Goliath himself!
Each creature bent down, kneeling at their feet, begging not to be made the main course of some devious human feast. The two men paid no attention to either army, focusing their attention solely on Goliath, who had immediately been sobered by the fear he felt. They lunged forward, grabbed the mighty boar, broke it’s neck and drug it back to their cabin.
Today my friends, today we eat the remains of the greatest battle in the history of the swine/fowl Armageddon. These six creatures we will now eat demonstrate the great dominance mankind enjoys over its prey.
Steve: That… is disgusting.
Joe: I think we achieved perfection.
Steve: Pretty much.
I’m not sure what else we could possibly have done.
Except maybe put the pig inside an ostrich.
…
We’ll try that next time.
