The Night Visions of the Bohemians

Steve: Last night I dreamed me and some friends were sneaking around some dark catacombs under a church trying to beat an army of powerful monsters to some unspecified goal.
It was weird.

Joe: I’m assuming you won

Steve: I guess so.
They were these crazy scary undead monsters.
Meanwhile Sarah dreamed about wine.
She says she dreamed about accidentally drinking a Rosé.
What does that say about each of us?

Joe: It says A – you’re a viking, B – you’re wife has class even when she’s unconscious and C – vikings like dames what gots class.

Steve: Got it.

Retrievers

Steve: Today it’s me.

Joe: Ah?

Steve: Yeah, a little.
Like you were yesterday. Definitely in a mental daze.

Joe: Ah.
I see.

Steve: One of those days where I feel like I’m just wasting time until something happens.

Joe: Yeah, dude that’s the worst.
Go do something, pushups, bible, prayer walk, get out of your geographic area if you can.
Take your dog for a walk and listen to the bible on your ipod or something.

Steve: Yeah, good idea.
I have screen eye.
Everything I do involves a screen.
Including talking to you.

Joe: Yeah.
Get outside.

Steve: Ok.

Joe: Go see the shit God made without us.

Steve: I’m gonna go play fetch.

Joe: Sweet.

Steve: He’s a retriever. If there’s one thing he loves…

Joe: True

Steve: …it’s hookers.

Joe: YES
wait…

Inception: B/B+ from Steve, B+/A- from Joe (or: Is Chris Nolan trying to recreate his success through a clever use of posters?)

Joe: I can’t believe Christopher Nolan thinks that Inception was his idea. Only Danny Glover and I know the truth.

Steve: I can’t believe you and Danny Glover think that. Only Ernie Hudson, Don Rickles and I know the truth.

Joe: I really liked Inception, very well shot, well written and well acted.
Hard to find any flaws.

Steve: I agree with your first sentence, but not your second.
The highest compliment I can pay this movie was that it was so enjoyable and engaging that my mind immediately started latching onto the few things about it that prevented it from being perfect.
It’s one of only four good movies released so far this summer.
(The other three being Karate Kid, Toy Story 3 and Predators).
And Inception is the best of those and the only one of those four that isn’t a sequel or remake.
So hell yeah to that.

Joe: I thought it was original. The story was good and I liked the writing quite a bit.
Not sure why you disagree.

Steve: I don’t disagree on any one of those points. I definitely was into it but a few things bugged me.
First and foremost, Ellen Page.
Or more accurately, the relationship between her character and DiCaprio’s.
Not for one second did I buy that Ellen Page’s wide-eyed college student character could possibly have exerted any amount of control or authority, even through blackmail, over DiCaprio’s older, more matured, world-weary dream expert.
It’s just weird how completely dominated he is by her even though she should be totally at his mercy given their positions.
Even his long-time comrades couldn’t or wouldn’t bare his secrets without his permission, yet he repeatedly caves to the n00b for no apparent reason. I found it completely out of character.

Joe: Mmmm…I thought they set up his character as being on the brink of a breakdown and while he had the others fooled, Ellen was possibly more talented than he was.
I thought it made sense that she found his weak points in part because he wanted them to be found.

Steve: I didn’t.
I also didn’t buy that if his issues were such obviously major threats to their job, that his other friends, who knew way more about shared dreaming than she did, wouldn’t know they were in danger.

Joe: I think they knew they were in danger, and that their jobs were full of danger.
I don’t think they had any clue how difficult things were this time.

Steve: In the opening scene, his right-hand man witnesses Cobb’s subconscious destroy their whole job.
Then he just seems to forget that that happened, while Ellen Page makes it her personal mission to blackmail Cobb with what everyone seems to already know about.
So that didn’t really make sense.
But more than the logic problems of the experts not noticing what the newbie did, was just that I didn’t accept Leo allowing her in.

Joe: Well, I thought they established the girl as intelligent, even more so than the other two male leads.
I thought it made sense that she could penetrate Leo’s persona because she had no emotional attachment to him, or any history with him.

Steve: You could explain it that way, but I didn’t feel that the movie did so.
I felt that all the characters came off as highly intelligent (which, btw, is a HUGE compliment to any film) and therefore I didn’t buy that the people closest to him didn’t know the danger he presented.

Joe: I think they knew, but it was the degree of trouble that they didn’t know.

Steve: They could have even suggested that they did know, but trusted him enough to go in anyway.

Joe: I think the film was all about degrees, and slight adjustments made a huge difference.
They were aware of some, but not all of the degrees.

Steve: Okay, that’s the second thing.
Why did Ellen Page automatically know that Cobb’s wife presented a severe threat to everyone’s safety when I still don’t understand why?
Cobb is never allowed to know the specifics of the dream geography because if Mal ever knew her way around the dream, it would ruin everything.
Why is that?
Mal’s motivation is that she wants Cobb to stay in creepy subbasement dreamland with her forever.
So why does constantly attacking the dream help her further that goal?
It made no sense.
We see her do it once at the beginning, then at the end we find out what she’s all about, but it still doesn’t explain the way she behaves or why everyone’s terrified of her.

Joe: Because Mal was DiCaprio’s subconscious and it would try to protect him by harming everyone else.
It attacked foreign entities. That’s what everyone’s subconscious did, only everything in a non-Leo dream world would be a foreign entity.
I’m actually surprised you don’t understand that, that was one of the easier things to get I thought.

Steve: I don’t agree. The film never established anything of the sort.

Joe: Wait, when Page went into Leo’s dreams, Page was attacked and Leo had no control over his thoughts.
If one of Leo’s subconscious thoughts was introduced into another world, everything would be foreign, meaning everything would be at risk and Leo would have no control.

Steve: That’s an interesting interpretation, but it’s too great a leap. The scene you’re referring to established that the primary dreamer’s (i.e., the target’s) subconscious projections would attack foreign entities, because in that scene they were in Leo’s dream.
The idea that your subconscious being in someone else’s dream is a threat was never solidified.

Joe: It’s inferred.

Steve: Nope.
Not clear.
In fact, I suspect that if I were to ask Chris Nolan why it was bad for Mal to know the dream geography, he might give me a different answer than what you just did.

Joe: The subconscious beings are said to be protecting the dreamer, so if they are mindless protection, they would seek to protect what they understand to be the dreamer, which isn’t very much.
And you can’t say nope.
Nope is frustrating.

Steve: Sorry, I think you’re filling in gaps in the movie’s logic that the movie should be filling in for you.

Joe: I disagree.

Steve: Well, there’s that.

Joe: While this isn’t saying very much, it’s easily the best movie of the summer…so far.

Steve: I absolutely agree with that.
But back to the bitchfest. Another problem – and this is something it took me a while to put my finger on -

Joe: Ugh…what?

Steve: I was really disappointed that early on there was a line about how the dream is more about “feeling” than sight and sound, but that’s never demonstrated in any way. The dreams didn’t feel like dreams. They just looked like normal scenes.
Everything was very logical and straightforward and made perfect sense. The few times something fantastic and unreal does happen, like a train driving down Main Street or gravity pulling the wrong direction, we’re told this is bad, because these kinds of things will risk cluing the mark in on the fact that he’s dreaming.
I don’t know about you, but my dreams are NEVER straight narratives that take place in any sort of logical space. They just SEEM to make sense while I’m in them, even though characters are constantly turning into one another, locations are shifting, non-threatening things are terrifying, mundane things seem ecstatic, etc.
I wanted to see more of that in the film, but instead everything plays like a heist movie with pretty much the same physical rules as real life.
That’s more of a direct critique of Nolan’s vision than any sort of plot hole or weak storytelling.
But I do wish there had been more cool dream-type stuff happening.

Joe: I thought about that, but if things got too fantastic, then it’s the Matrix with dreams, which it already sort of was. I appreciated that they treated dreams as less fantastic and more a spin on reality.
I was on the fence. They treated all dreams as mundane dreams, but it might have been too big of a stretch to throw in a purple dinosaur or a knife throwing rabbi.
The film was already 150 minutes.

Steve: I would have been more happy with it if they had explained it as a necessary aspect of shared dreaming.
That would have made it totally fine for me.
Like, in a shared dream, the architect is responsible for maintaining some semblance of reality in order to maintain stability and make it possible for everyone’s mind to interpret it the same way.
But they never got into that or any other explanation.

Joe: Well, I think if you’re going to make a story about dreams or supernatural occurrences, you’re going to have to throw out some stuff.
I think here, they threw out most of the fantastic, which I was fine with.
It’s the creator’s choice I suppose.

Steve: Yeah, but then why did they have the line early on about how it was more about feeling than seeing, only to demonstrate the exact opposite for the rest of the movie?
It’s not a huge deal, but I think it was something of a weakness on Nolan’s part.
It wouldn’t have added any length but it would have added to the effects budget.
So maybe that’s it.

Joe: Can I make a statement that will undoubtedly offend you?

Steve: Sure.

Joe: You sent me a text earlier about how the many positive reviews and the many people that raved about it bugged you.
I know how you feel, but I think it’s a bad habit people our age have when stuff like that happens.
We don’t like when there is too much positive, or too much love shown to a film/band/politician.
I know when everyone is calling a B+ an A+ it’s annoying, but I don’t think it should bug you that much.

Steve: If you’re saying that I’m looking for flaws out of a spirit of rebellion, you’re 100% right.
And it doesn’t bug me that much.
But it does automatically make me more critical.

Joe: Yeah, I am the same way.
But… isn’t that a bad thing we’re doing?

Steve: No.
I mean, sometimes it can be, but it can also help keep us grounded.
In this case, I sincerely don’t believe that this movie is the greatest movie ever made.
I don’t even think it’s the greatest movie Chris Nolan’s ever made.

Joe: I agree.
But, it’s really good. And I think when everyone likes something, it’s now cool to find major flaws. I think that’s a bad habit our generation has. Not that we should be sheep, but that the desire to rebel or critique is a little too strong sometimes.

Steve: Yeah, but I’m aware of that in myself and I feel that I sufficiently kept that instinct in check in this case.
My motivation is less about tearing down the movie than it is about pointing out that it’s not Citizen Freaking Kane.

Joe: I agree that it’s not.

Steve: I don’t want to detract from the movie’s accomplishments at all.
I just kind of have to take up the complainy role in this conversation because you’re playing good cop.

Joe: However, look at its competition so far this year.
Sequels of sequels, remakes, the fucking mutant A-Team.
All crap.
It’s a sliding scale I think, but with the exception of a film that’s coming out August 13.
A little film starring a little actor named Sylvester Stallone.

Steve: Don’t call him little to his face or he’ll reach up and stab you in the neck.

Joe: My lower neck.

Steve: All in all, I give Inception a B or maybe a B+.

Joe: Yeah, it wasn’t a perfect movie, but really good. And I’m glad neither of us bothered to get into a “did the top fall over or keep spinning at the end” conversation.
That would have been annoying.

Steve: It was really engaging and I didn’t lose focus on it at any point, even though I had been fasting for three days and had a massively painful ear infection.

Joe: Ouch.

Steve: Which basically means it was really freaking good, because both of those things should have made it really hard to pay attention to a movie.

Joe: Anyway, I’m gonna take a nap and maybe..THE EXPENDABLES IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

Steve: Yup.

Joe: We’ve had our intelligent, challenging summer movie. Now it’s time to reinvent the action movie.

Steve: Oh yeah, since you brought it up, I also thought the last shot with the top spinning was unnecessary.

Joe: Yeah, me too.

Steve: They had gone the whole movie without ever bringing up the standard “how do you know you’re not dreaming when you think you’re awake” question that all dream movies inevitably harp on.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Then in the last shot they go and smack us in the face with the most overused faux-philosophical mind-bender in movie history.

Joe: So stupid.
I agree, very annoying.
But, I can forget the last 7 seconds.

Steve: So, what letter grade would give the movie?

Joe: B+/A-, low A- though, like an 89.5 number grade.

Steve: Oh.
So almost the same as me.
Despite my complaints.

Joe: Slightly higher than you. Not a solid A. I feel like I should have been impacted spiritually to get a good A.

Steve: Yeah, good wording.

Joe: But it was Citizen Kane compared to the last two or three months of movies.

Steve: No doubt.
This is the shittiest movie year ever so far.

Joe: Yeah. I mean the Planet of the Apes summer was bad, but not like this.

Steve: Inception is probably going to sweep at the Oscars just because there’s no competition.

Joe: Agreed.
It’ll at least get nominated for Best Picture.
At least.
And Best Director.

Steve: I think I feel about Inception the way Dan Roemer felt about The Hurt Locker.

Joe: I still haven’t seen Hurt Locker.

Steve: Which is basically: Yeah, it was really good, but that should be the baseline for how movies should be. This should be the least we expect from any movie that sees a major release. The best picture nominees should be several levels above even this.

Joe: I agree.

Steve: But sadly, we don’t live in a world of mostly goods and a few greats.

Joe: I know.

Steve: We live in a world of mostly shit and a few goods and a very few greats.

Joe: It’s disappointing that this film was really good, but nothing has come close this year.
Well, maybe not nothing, but you know what I mean.

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: It’s not as if I can name even one or two other films I think should be nominated for Best Picture.

Steve: I can tell you Toy Story 3 will be.
Other than that, who knows?

Joe: Can they nominate a threeqel?
Hey, I really do have to take a nap. I’ll talk to you tomorrow dude.

Steve: If they do ten nominees again this year, who knows?
Aight.
Later.

Predators Released Today!




Joe: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10012256-predators/
Next weekend?

Steve: I might go this weekend.
Next weekend is Inception.

Joe: Oh right.

Steve: Sarah and I have a deal.
I will see Inception if she will see Predators.

Joe: I think Inception will be really good and Predators will be better than Predator 2 and those AVP movies.

Steve: I know I should want to see Inception anyway, but I just can’t bring myself to care about that movie.
No matter how many good reviews it gets.
I think it’s just because they’ve been playing the same two trailers for a year.
And they’ve still barely told us anything about it.

Joe: But don’t we get annoyed when trailers tell use the whole story? I sorta of like that.

Steve: Yeah, but there’s a middle ground.
You don’t have to tell me the whole story to tell me the premise.
All I know about Inception is something about dreams and a city gets folded in half.
But I think Predators will be awesome.
It’s gotten all good reviews so far.
And more importantly, Robert Rodriguez has promised to restore the Predator franchise to its pre-spin-off glory.
Which means he, like the rest of the actual sci-fi fans of the world, is wondering why we should care about yet another Aliens Vs. Predator movie or video game or comic book or whatever when there hasn’t been a legit Predator movie since the 80′s.
I think he’s about to fix that problem.
And even that Danny Glover movie was just kind of weird.
Not terrible, exactly.
Just… weird.

Joe: It annoyed me.

Steve: It set the tone for Predator lore to come.
Which is either good or bad.

Joe: I think the overall problem with Predator movies is that the draw of the Predators is also their downfall. They toy with humanity because they’re stronger and more advanced. But, who the hell wants to pay $12 to see humans get their asses kicked by Predators for two hours?

Steve: Um… everyone?

Joe: Dude, the second Predator movie made no money.

Steve: Yeah, but that was because it had Danny Glover replacing Arnold.
The problem isn’t the concept, it’s the execution.

Joe: The first movie at least put our strongest human against a teenage Predator and they came out relatively even.
The AVP movies were kinda shitty because all anyone wanted to see was 10,000 Aliens vs. 10,000 Predators and we got some shitty actors talking for way too long.

Steve: Exactly.
AVP can go screw itself.
That was a bad idea in the first place AND they didn’t do it right anyway.

Joe: I’m saying you’ve got to give humans at least a fighting chance to survive, and it looks like that’s what this movie does.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Just like the Arnold movie.

Joe: Right, I think we agree.

Steve: I liked Predator 2 in concept, but I’d have to actually watch it again to know how good or bad it really was.
I suspect a lot of the “bad” was actually just “dated.”
Because it took place in the city and all the gangbangers had brightly colored mohawks.

Joe: I’m saying the problem with the last 3 Predatorish movies was that humans seemed helpless.

Steve: For my money, the best Predator story since the first movie was a little comic book called Batman vs. Predator.
Which sounds like just another silly comic book crossover but was, in fact, the shiznit.

Joe: I remember that short.

Steve: No, it was a comic.
It was basically the same concept as Predator 2, but better executed.

Joe: Yeah, but I remember the short.

Steve: Oh, Batman: Dead End.
Yeah that was a cool short, but it also had Aliens in it, so screw it.

Joe: Right.

Steve: Batman vs. Predator was just Predator 2, but with Batman instead of Danny Glover.
Predator comes to the big city and starts murdering all the most powerful people.
Mob bosses, boxing champions, etc.
Until he finally targets Batman.

Joe: Ah.
Better concept.

Steve: Several Batman/Predator fights ensue.
Batman loses most of them.
Anyway, I’d better get a copy of Predator for tonight.
Sarah’s never seen it.

Joe: Really?
It’s on all the time.
It’s one of the top three Arnold movies.
Oh, there’s a wicked list.
Top 3-5 Arnold movies.

Steve: Predator, Terminator one and two.

Joe: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Steve: Well, it depends on what we mean by “top.”

Joe: Maybe if you go to 5 it gets tougher for 4 and 5.

Steve: After them I’d say True Lies.

Joe: I liked Total Recall.
Maybe the first Conan.

Steve: Leaving out Twins and Kindergarten Cop on the assumption that we’re talking about action movies.

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, yeah here’s my list:
1. Terminator 2
2. Conan the Barbarian
3. Predator
4. Terminator
5. Total Recall
6. True Lies

Joe: Mine:
Terminator 2
Predator
Terminator 1
Conan the Barbarian
Total Recall
True Lies was good though

Steve: Yeah, I’m iffy on whether Conan or Predator should be #2, actually.
They’re both amazing movies.
Conan was the father of a new genre of sword-and-sorcery movies, AND it was the first movie to make Arnold a movie star.
But then Predator was one of the single best action movies of the greatest era of action movies.

Joe: True.
You know what would be terrible, Arnold in a Star Trek movie.

Steve: Yes, Arnold as Spock.
No, Arnold as Scotty.

Joe: Wouldn’t that be the worst thing you’ve ever seen?

Steve: Yes.
Yes it would.
Anyway, I’ve got to get in the shower now, but I leave you with this:

And this:

Alright, Who Brought the Sierra Mist?

Steve: So.

Joe: Earthquake.
That’s what.

Steve: That’s what Sarah just said.
Didn’t feel it here.

Joe: I’m on the 19th floor
I felt it.

Steve: Anyway.

Joe: What’s up?

Steve: Barbecue time has come and gone again.
Which means I have to ask you a question.

Joe: Yes, I shit a burger.

Steve: No, not that question.
The question is, Joe…
How many Sierra Mists do you want when you come over on Saturday?

Joe: mother fucker

Steve: Mother.
Fucker.

Joe: I hate that shit man.

Steve: It’s a whole unopened 12-pack.
Again.
It’s like someone read our blog and brought it just to spite us.
So far nobody has owned up to it.

Joe: Dude, who brings that crap?

Steve: I actually suspect it brought itself.
I’m sure I’d know if any of my friends were… that way.
Plus, Sierra Mist is a sonovabitch.
Bringing itself to my BBQ is exactly the kind of thing it would do.

Joe: Sierra Mist just caused an earthquake.

Steve: Earlier today, Sierra Mist caused an accident on the Metro Blue Line and made 4000 people late for work.

Joe: Sierra Mist makes collect phone calls to 7-Up and never pays him back.

Steve: Sierra Mist prevented Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel from joining the cast of the Expendables.
And he cast the A-Team movie without Mr. T.

Joe: Sierra Mist optioned the rights to Airbender, only to hire a down on his luck director and a white kid to ruin it.

Steve: Sierra Mist heard some people think of Hitler as the literal antichrist and started punching llama after llama until he gradually surpassed Hitler’s evil. Just for spite.

Joe: Sierra Mist voted for the Green Party in the last six presidential elections.

Steve: Sierra Mist framed Carmen San Diego.

Joe: Sierra Mist baked three dozen cookies for Mrs. Schneider’s elementary school class and put his own pubic hairs into the batter.

Steve: Sierra Mist directed Pirates of the Caribbean 3 while Gore Verbinski was tied up in his basement.

Joe: Sierra Mist took my mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never called her again.

Steve: Sierra Mist had $30,000 to invest in my movie Gray, but he spent it all on Vienna sausages and Cabbge Patch Kid dolls, which he rolled into banana leaves and smoked.

Joe: Sierra Mist is on the sex offender list.

Steve: Twice.
Sierra Mist is wanted for drug smuggling in 134 countries.
It used to be 138, but he toppled a few foreign governments.

Joe: Sierra Mist built the Iron Curtain, melted it down to make scrap and then built a statue of the founder of the KKK outside Nashville.

Steve: Sierra Mist doesn’t care about black people.

Joe: Sierra Mist beat up a homeless person, blamed it on the police and then raped a bunny rabbit.

Steve: That bunny rabbit went on to get elected to Congress, where he betrayed every principal of the Democratic party, then blew his brains out on national television.

Joe: Sierra Mist is both pro and anti Prop 8.

Steve: Sierra Mist won’t help me straighten up my office, no matter how many times I ask him.

Joe: Sierra Mist invented cold sores.

Steve: Sierra Mist got David Lee Roth kicked out of Van Halen.

Joe: Sierra Mist keeps propogating the idea that KISS is a good band and that people want more reality shows based on people made famous by other reality shows.

Steve: Sierra Mist is the chief of programming for NBC.

Joe: Sierra Mist is a douche bag.

Steve: I hate Sierra Mist.
It’s like 7-Up took a whiz into some Mountain Dew, then someone spilled the Mountain Dew and had to refill it with seltzer water and poison.

Joe: We have 7-Up, Sprite and vomit, why on earth do we need Sierra Mist?

Steve: I seriously think it’s a test to see how long they can sell a competing product called “Sierra Mist” before “Mountain Dew” figures how to sue the living shit out of them.

Joe: Well, at least we got another blog post out of it.

Steve: Word.

HELLUVA TOUGH!




Steve: Let me tell you something about the 80′s.
In the 80′s every pop culture icon that existed for little boys was either a violent, murdering sonovabitch, or a weepy puss from some John Hughes movie.
Obviously, we all wanted to be tough guys.
Like Rambo or He-Man.
We all wanted guns and fighting.
Because really, that’s what all boys want.
Now I had good parents.
They made sure I knew that it wasn’t cool to start fights and I needed to eat my vegetables.
But some kids didn’t.
Some parents were fools.
And that’s why God created Mr. T.
What other hero could we look to who was an icon of masculinity, but would also look right into the camera and tell us to stay in school, don’t do drugs, drink our milk and respect our mommas?
Nobody else, that’s who.
Only the toughest man in the world could get away with that.
And because he was the toughest man in the world, they gave him a TV show.
That show was called “The A-Team,” but it could easily have been called “Mr. T and his Three Friends.”
Because that’s what it was.

Joe: True.

Steve: And through that show and his other platforms, Mr. T raised an entire generation of young boys to stay in school, drink their milk, not do drugs, and love their mommas.
He was a father figure.
Or at least an older brother figure.
Hulk Hogan had a similar message, but for Hogan it was a persona.
For Mr. T, it’s who he really was, and we know that for sure now.
Now it’s 20 years later and they’ve remade the A-Team as a feature film.
Mr. T hated the movie.
He said it was too violent, too graphc, too much sex.
He didn’t like that people died in it.
He said it was nothing like the show they used to put out every week.
Earlier today someone told me he thinks Mr. T is out of touch or hyperspiritual.
Because he can’t enjoy a movie with too much violence.
Well, I like violent movies as much as the next guy.
But Mr. T’s my big brother.
And he’s helluva tough.
So when Mr. T tells me not to go see the movie based on his own show…
You’d better believe I’m gonna listen.
I pity the fool who don’t.

Joe: Who said he’s hyperspiritual/out of touch?

Steve: A guy you don’t know, but he’s a little too old.
He wasn’t raised by Mr. T.
Plus he grew up in Kenya.
So he has no clue.

Joe: Dude, Americans are too violent. Violence is not a “good” thing and someone who doesn’t like violence is a good person.
Violence means people die or get hurt, and Jesus wasn’t a violent dude. I appreciate good violence, but that’s a part of me that isn’t all that righteous.

Steve: Well, we could debate about that for a long time.
But in short, yes. Someone who doesn’t like violence is right not to.

Joe: Agreed, but saying a person is “out of touch” because they don’t like violence is dumb.

Steve: Exactly.
And saying someone is hyperspiritual because they don’t like it when Hollywood rapes their beloved franchise is even stupider.

Joe: Conan understands.

Steve: Sweet.
And Mr T’s right. That movie is terrible.
I mean, MR. T didn’t like it.
http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101

Joe: Dude, it’s quite possibly the lamest thing this summer. And this is a particularly bad summer.

Steve: I think the worst part is either when Rampage puts on the tu-tu and prances around singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” or when Liam Neeson puts on the full Revolutionary War-era redcoat outift and tattoos “Screw America” across his forehead.

Joe: No, the worst part is where they destroy the A-Team van. Which actually happens.
I mean, it’s like they know they’re crapping on the A-Team, so they crap on themselves since they are the fake A-Team.
It’s just wrong.

Steve: Oh yeah.
Unbelievable.
Mr. T made the right call not doing a cameo alongside Face and Murdoch.
He was obviously too helluva tough to be fooled by the jibba-jabba.

Joe: When Mr. T doesn’t like something – something specifically related to him – you should just follow his lead.
Rampage can suck it.
He’s not Mr. T.

Steve: No. He definitely is not.

Joe: I’d rather go see Sex in the City 2.

Steve: Nor is Liam Neeson George Peppard.

Joe: I’d rather go to see Sex in the City 2 and then go see Shrek 4

Steve: And in case anyone didn’t notice, LIAM NEESON ISN’T EVEN AMERICAN!
His American accent is worse than Arnold’s,
They may as well have just pissed on our childhood.
Rampage’s acting ability makes Mr.T look like Marlon freaking Brando.

Joe: Last summer I had to pretend that the Wayans brother I like the least didn’t take a dump on GI Joe, now I have to do the same thing with the A-Team. Hollywood can get cancer and die.

Steve: Seriously.
Hey remember how great life was back when the A-Team was an awesome show from the 1980′s starring one of the greatest men who ever lived?
Now it’s a crappy action movie that rapes the memory of said show.
Way too much CG. Way too many attempts at sly references to the original show.
When in fact they’re just destroying it.
Oh yeah, and lest anyone forget:
http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
That A-Team movie helluva sucks.

Joe: When Ralph Macchio dogged the new Karate Kid I thought “maybe he’s just bitter, I mean, it does have Jackie Chan who is entertaining every fourth movie he does.”

Steve: Macchio didn’t dog it.
He liked it.
He took his son to see the premiere with him.

Joe: But, when Mr. T tears apart a film that either never should have been made or should have starred him, original Face and original Murdoch avenging Hannibal, I know Satan just produced a film.

Steve: Pretty much.
I’ve been waiting twenty years for an A-Team movie and when they finally make one, Peppard is dead and Mr. T’s been replaced by a freaking nobody from idiotsville.
And don’t get me wrong, I love Liam Neeson.
He’s one of the best actors alive today.
But casting a Brit as Hannibal – especially a Brit who can’t do an American accent to save his life…
It’s no different than casting a Brit as Captain America.
We may as well just sign the colonies back over to the freaking Queen.

Joe: Right. They cast a Brit as Hannibal, a South African as Murdoch and a retard as Mr. T.
I’m just appalled on so many levels.
What’s worse is that I think the film will make money because of how bad this summer has been for movies.

Steve: You know what it reminds me of?
Seriously?

Joe: What?

Steve: It plays exactly like one of those stupid comic book fan films.
Like some guys with a camera and a few extra bucks for Final Cut just grabbed the best actors they could get for the weekend and shot a fake concept trailer.
It’s exactly that level of quality.
Only instead of a fake trailer, they actually made the whole movie.
With the wrong actors and CG in place of anything that might actually be cool.
Just like that Mortal Kombat trailer that looks really cool at first until you suddenly stop and go… wait… a Mortal Kombat trailer?

Joe: I know this hasn’t gone on too long, but I think I can’t talk about this any longer. It’s an abomination. Too painful.

Steve: Abomination is exactly the right word.
The toughest man in the world is so disappointed in our culture.
And that makes me sad.

Joe: I don’t pity the fool, I pity us.

Steve: I pity us.
Oh, you know what?

Joe: ??

Steve: http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=504325&Gt1=28101
‘Nuff said, America.
‘Nuff said, Hollywood.

Raw, Unbridled Hatred




Steve: Alright Joe.
I’m gonna tell it like it is.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: I love Star Trek.
Even the worst parts of Star Trek, I love.
I love Star Trek V, which may be one of the worst movies ever made.
I love the episode of the original series when they were transporting space hippies and the first two seasons of TNG when they all wore skintight pajamas and tried to convince us Denise Crosby was the tough one.
I love Enterprise, even though it had totally screwy morals and the worst finale in sci-fi history.
I love Nemesis even though it demolished all of my favorite characters.
I love DS9 even though it only got good after Worf moved in and the last season fizzled out like a campfire in the rain.
I love J.J. Abrams’ remake even though I’ve been his sworn enemy for years.
But I HATE Star Trek: Voyager.
Screw that show.
I hate it so much.
I want it dead.
And that’s how it is.

Joe: Wow.
Very passionate.

Steve: Thank you.

Joe: Not sure I hate anything that much in the world of sci-fi.

Steve: I just happened to see the Futurama episode where he finds all the original cast except they’ve replaced Scotty with Welshie and Melllvar keeps zapping him.

Joe: WELSHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Steve: It made me realize how much I can love a franchise even though almost half of it is terrible.
And that reminded me that if you factor in Star Trek: Voyager, it becomes more than half.

Joe: Who was in charge of Voyager?
Was it like a random guy who was bored and the rest of the team felt bad for him?

Steve: Berman.
That was the first show that was conceived and developed completely after Roddenberry’s death.

Joe: Ah.
Bad direction then.

Steve: He died during the run of DS9, but he was at least around to help get it going.
And he was long dead when Enterprise happened, but they were actually trying to do something original there so it came out mostly good.
But nobody watched it because Voyager had already killed Star Trek.
Then the movies got worse and worse until they kicked Berman out and started over.
But for all of that, Voyager is the only thing I hate.
I think I blame Voyager for everything that came after.

Joe: Sorta like how the Christians view the Crusades, or the Spanish Inquisition.

Steve:
…yes?
No, yeah. I see what youre saying.
Totally like that.
Like the Crusades or the 700 Club.

Joe: Oooo, the 700 Club is a much less violent example.
No less a travesty though, in my opinion.

Steve: Less violent, but almost as inconvenient.
But yeah. Star Trek is great.
And Voyager never happened.
Just like the Crusades.

Joe: I think Star Trek has a very high ceiling and a very low basement.

Steve: True.

Joe: I think all sci-fi has great potential, maybe Star Trek more so, but when it sucks, it just hits an amazing level of suckitude.

Steve: What carries me through most of the Star Trek suckage is that the shows were never about action or space battles.
It was always more like you were just hanging out with these swell characters on their swell space ship.

Joe: Dude, action movies dressed up in sci-fi suits piss me off.

Steve: So even when they do something stupid like The Final Frontier or Insurrection, you still just have fun hanging out with them.
Which, hey just realized, is probably why Voyager is the one I can’t forgive.
Because there never were any good characters or cool episodes to let me get on their side.
The whole series was bad from start to finish and none of the characters were even conceptually cool or fun to watch.
That can’t be said about any of the other four Star Trek crews.

Joe: Right.
Voyager wasn’t the one with the female captain was it?

Steve:Yeah, it was.

They made this big to do about having a female captain because the future is all full of equality, then we finally see her and she looks, sounds and acts exactly like a man.
Even in the future women have to behave like men to get anywhere?
What was even the point?

Joe: With 7 of 9?

Steve: Yes, 7 of 9 came on there eventually.

Joe: Dude, I saw a total of 5 episodes. Lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
LAMEST.
Really bad.

Steve: Yep.
And while 7 of 9 finally got them back to the classic Trek tradition of hot chicks in tight clothing, it was way too little way too late.
And it really turned out to be just a launching point for another round of horrible story arcs.

Joe: I’m actually mad at you for making me remember I wasted 5 episodes worth of my life that could have been spent sinning somehow (which I’m implying would have been less of a waste of time).

Steve: Yep.

Vote Froyd!


Joe: File under – Reasons to Hate Los Angeles.
http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/movie-talk-should-we-now-call-him-captain-england.html

Steve: Um…
This is a World War II movie.
90% of it should never have been filmed in America in the first place.

Joe: I agree, but the fact that Los Angeles won’t give tax breaks to the one industry indigenous to this town makes me want to pack my things and take my tax revenue with me.

Steve: Vote for this guy:

I would vote for him but I don’t live in his district.
I think you do.
So vote for him and I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Joe: Ok.

Steve: You’re not even registered in California are you?

Joe: Not yet, but I’ve volunteered for Meg Whitman’s campaign.
I’ll register this week probably, maybe this weekend.

Steve: Whitman reminds me of my old boss.
I’m pretty sure she can eat glass.

Joe: Most likely.
It’s between her and Jerry Brown, who is a douchbag career politician.

Steve: Yeah, well…
welcome to California.
Voting here is like choosing which demon is going to rape your soul.

Joe: Right.

Steve: Except for Merlin. Vote Froyd!

Joe: Ha.

That’s A Sweet Ride.



Steve: Alright.
Awesome famous cars.
Go.
KITT.
ECTO-1.
The Batmobile.

Joe: A-Team van.

That red stripe is sweet, even if the gas mileage probably sucks.

Steve: Yeah.
The DeLorean.

Joe: Oh yeah.

Steve: Not just any DeLorean. THE DeLorean.

Joe: Right.
…Christine.
57 Chevy from that Stephen King movie.

Steve: Yeah, Christine wasn’t cool though.
Dukes of Hazard car. The General Lee.

Joe: In the Dukes of Hazzard video game, guess what was missing from the General Lee.

Steve: Gasp. What could it be?

Joe: Confederate flag.

Steve: NO!

Joe: You don’t get to have a General Lee without a Confederate flag
Anyway, done with that.
Magnum PI’s Ferrari.

Steve: I don’t know that car.

Joe:

Steve: Oh wait.
There have been two cool Batmobiles.
The Adam West one and the Michael Keaton one.


So those should both be on the list.
All other Batmobiles are retarded.

Joe: Okay.
Even Christian Bale’s tank that goes 75 mph?

Steve: Yes. Even the stupid-ass tank that can jump (not drive but JUMP) onto a rooftop without collapsing it.

Joe: Ferris Bueller Ferrari?

Steve: Oh hell yes.

Joe: I feel like we’re missing a truck somewhere.

Steve: Must be.
Oh the Mach 5.

Joe: What’s that?

Steve: Speed Racer’s car.
Actually, never mind. That’s kind of lame.
BIGFOOT.

Bigfoot the monster truck.

Joe: Bigfoot.
Of course.
Awesome.

Steve: The only monster truck ever to not be stupid.

Joe: Remember the Bigfoot cartoon?

Steve: Yes.

Joe: Haha.
The Bigfoot cartoon was sweet.
As was the Mr. T cartoon.

Steve: No, it was sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
Yes, Mr. T cartoon.

Joe: Wait, I have another van for us.

Steve: Okay.

Joe: Mystery Machine.

Even though it was a cartoon it was awesome.

Steve: Oh that absolutely counts.
Herbie.

Joe: I think that’s all I have.
mmmm… I’m on the fence with Herbie.

Steve: Herbie was the broke, supernatural version of Kitt.
Herbie is to KITT as Jedd Clampett is to James Bond.

Joe: Herbie’s abilities were all over the place.

Steve: I think Herbie was actually possessed or something.

Joe: He could kinda talk, kinda drive on his own, kinda tell good from evil and kinda drive faster than a corvette.

Steve: Like he was a sentient car, but not because of a computer like KITT.
Just because he was alive.

Joe: Like Johnnie 5.

Steve: Yeah.
But with no laser.

Joe: The 1980′s were the last bastion of “electricity can make stuff live.”

Steve: I know.
Radiation was magic for a while.

Joe: Right.

Steve: That wore off and now it’s genetic engineering that gives us all our heroes and monsters.

Joe: Now it’s aliens and just straight up magic.
Yeah, genetic engineering too.

Steve: Spider-Man was originally bitten by a radioactive spider.
In the movie it was a genetically engineered spider.
Because we’ve learned since the 60′s that radiation either does nothing or it gives you cancer and you die.

Joe: That was one funny episode of Family Guy, where Mayor Adam West tries to get super powers by rolling around in toxic waste, only to get lukemia.

Steve: Oh WAIT!
The TURTLE VAN!

I know you remember the Turtle Van.

Joe: Oh yeah.
TMNT.
brb, bathroom
And we’re back.

Steve: Welcome.

Joe: I think that’s it.

Steve: Yeah.
Unless we count each and every car James Bond ever drove.

Joe: Nah.

Steve: Or if we’re going imaginary, then Ghost Rider’s bike.
OR
How about this:
Lame ass cars.
Partridge Family van.

Joe: Oh wait, one more for the cool list.
The Muppet Bus.

Steve: Oh yeah.
Sweet.

Joe: Let’s see.
Lame…
The second Knight Rider car.

A freaking Mustang.
Lame.
Almost every Cadillac in every movie ever.

Steve: Oh, all those cars from Knight Rider 2010.
Wait wait.
More for the cool list.
The Gran Torino.

And the Blues Brothers’ car.

Joe: I forgot to mention the Blue’s Brothers car, so totally.

Steve: And Mad Max’s thing.

Joe: Oh yeah.

Steve: The last of the V-8′s.

Joe: Mad Max was sweet.

Steve: Totally.

Joe: Almost any car from any scifi movie in the 70′s and 80′s was pretty lame

Steve: Yeah.

Joe: Those stupid cars in Minority Report were lame.

Steve: The cars from Timecop come to mind for me.

Joe: Nothing from Timecop comes to mind for me, but that’s just me.

Steve: Oh the Minority Report cars were almost as bad as the Timecop cars.
Bullitt’s Mustang. For the cool list.

Joe: Every Volkswagen Bus ever.

Steve: Hey!
I love Volkswagon buses.
I’ve always wanted one.
Since I was in junior high.

Joe: Well, you’re lame, but I already knew that.

Steve: Dude, you’re stupid.

Joe: Obviously, I’m talking to a lame person, so what else would I be?

Steve: Black Beauty from the Green Hornet.

That car was lame.

Joe: Dude, can we include Black Beauty the horse on the lame list?

And then shoot it and make it glue?

Steve: Sure, why not.
Fuck that horse.

Joe: I hated everything about Black Beauty, including My Little Pony, what had nothing to do with Black Beauty.

Steve: Alright, calm down there Dr. Doolittle.
You know what else was lame?
The car Bumblebee turned into in the Transformers movie.

That car would have been cool if I’d seen it in real life, but now it’s retarded by association.

Joe: Agreed.
Oh wait, cool car – ZZ Top thing.

Steve: Agreed.
Lame: Every car from every Fast and the Furious movie.

Joe: Ugh.
Let’s see.

Steve: THE MINI.

I loved the Italian Job, but SCREW THAT MOVIE for giving us that car.

Joe: Agreed.
My wife likes the mini.
Because it’s cute and small.

Steve: Your wife is wrong.

Joe: Hey, no wife talk.
I’ll punch you through the computer.

Steve: You let her continue down that path, she’s going to end up making you buy a Smart Car.

Joe: http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/458062/80511886.jpg

Steve: Holy smokes.
Not so smart now, is it?

Joe: They aren’t cars, they’re cardboard bicycle covers.

Steve: Yeah.
Both of the words in the name are a lie.

Joe: True.

Steve: Cool car: Deathmobile from Animal House.

Joe: Agreed

Steve: MacGyver didn’t have a notable car.
He should have.
There should have been a MacGyver car.

Joe: It would be powered by apples and tuna fish cans.

Steve: Yeah, I guess that’s the problem.
If they focused on MacGyver’s car at all, we would have just watched him rebuild the engine out of random items every week.
To fix all the stuff he destroyed by doing that the previous week.

Joe: Okay, gotta do some work, talk later.

Steve: Later.

A Moment Of Silence For Dio…

Joe:

Steve:

Steve: Time’s up.